When It Doesn't Feel Good

When things are running smoothly, it's easier to take time to consider and appreciate my husband's fine qualities and traits.  I've been making more mental notes recently to try to remember to tell him these positives and to sincerely complement him.  I don't always succeed at this.  Sometimes  Often it's easier to focus on the negatives, on those things they do (or don't do) that upset, annoy, or hurt us.

Then we have those days where we seem to be on opposite pages, or even in different books entirely.  Kane and I run into this from time to time in the area of intent and emotions.

He'll say something, and it can come across in a way that he denies ever intending, and vice versa.  I will often point out that tone and voice inflection are very important and play a huge part in effective communication.  Of course, so does facial expression and body language, and that's where I get into trouble sometimes.

This happened to us yesterday while out together shopping and running errands.

We've both been under a lot of stress lately, due to situations regarding some of our children.  You can read about it here, if you don't know the story.

This past week I felt the effects of the stress we've been under more than usual.  Kane could see it, and expressed his concern on more than one occasion.  Yesterday, as we were talking about various aspects of it, he told me that, if I talked to any of my friends about the topic, he didn't want me to talk exclusively about it.    

I don't do that.  I always ask my friends about themselves and their families and give them plenty of time to talk. 

My dear, don't get defensive.  I see how stressed you've been, how you've  not really been yourself, and I just want to help you.

Do you think I don't know not to talk exclusively about my problems/situations with people?  I don't do that.

Kane was irritated by my response.  I tried to explain how it came across, but he strongly disagreed.  He said I was taking it the wrong way, that I was being too sensitive.  I continued to try to tell him why it came across to me the way I did, but he didn't see it.  We tried to move on. 

 One of the stops we needed to make along the way was the post office to make a photocopy of something we needed to include in a packet we were dropping off at a local business.  Our printer had just run out of ink that morning, so I couldn't make the copy myself.  I had let Kane know about it, as well as the fact that we'd need to have a copy made while we were out.

I thought he heard me.  I believe he made a sound that I interpreted as acknowledgment at the time.  We were in the same room, a few feet apart from each other.

So as we were in the car, and I reminded him that we had to make the copy, he said something that made me readily understand that he hadn't heard me -- or listened to me.  Included in what he said was a sigh, one that I interpreted as frustration, something to the effect that had he known about it before we left home, he could have switched the ink from 'black' to 'color' and done it there.  

Anyone care to take a guess as to how I was feeling at the moment?

I quickly responded that I had told him and thought that he had heard me.  He felt I was being defensive.  He said that I'd been on edge all morning and also during the week.  He said he was not going to walk on eggshells.  Eggshells?  To me, this one had nothing to do with eggshells.  I was annoyed because he clearly had sounded frustrated about not knowing about the ink running out.  He said he was not directing anything at me, just making a statement.

As I was the only other person in the car, I told him that it was logical to assume he was speaking to me.

The whole thing went from bad to worse when he said, rather loudly, that I'd made him feel stupid.

Holy Moly.  Seriously?  I could not understand how he didn't see how he'd come across to me, even if it hadn't been his intention.  I thought that if I explained it, he would be able to see how I could have arrived at the conclusion I did.

Kane had given me a maintenance spanking earlier in the morning, and now he was saying that he should have given me more.

He got out of the car to go into a store.  I stayed behind.

Next we headed for the post office.  Kane went inside to make the copy.  We made two more stops and headed for home....quietly.  I had an appointment to go to as soon as we got home and another one directly after that.

I got home about 6pm.  Kane came in a few minutes after me with our daughter, who he'd just picked up from her after-school program.  He headed directly downstairs, where he remained for quite a while doing some of his woodworking.  That was fine with me, because I just wanted to relax after supper.  I watched a little TV with my daughters, and they went to bed.  I settled in nicely on the couch to watch some more TV.  I did not feel like discussing what had happened any further, and apparently, neither did Kane.  I felt like being by myself.  I was upset, but too tired and drained to want to do anything about it.  I chose the quiet route.

Much later, Kane came upstairs and told me to come to bed.  I was right in the middle of a movie, so he said I could finish it and come to bed after it ended.

We woke up, and the day went on.  I had no interest in talking to Kane, and it was pretty evident.  While he did not bring up what happened yesterday, he did make some unrelated remarks throughout the day and asked my opinion on the projects he was working on.  I answered when spoken to, but that was pretty much it.  The thing is, I don't really feel angry.  I'd say I'm probably feeling more frustrated than anything else......well, that.....and sad.

Earlier tonight my son came over for dinner, and afterward, the three of us played a game.  We had a nice time.  After he went home, I mentioned that I would like to go back on the computer, as I hadn't had much time on it earlier, and Kane ok'd it.

I've been down here for a couple of hours.  He's since gone to bed.  When I finish up here, I'm going to watch some TV on the couch.  I'll go to bed only if Kane comes out to the living room and tells me to.

I don't feel stressed or anxious about the state we're in.  I am not feeling submissive (in case you haven't guessed), and I have no desire to any time soon.

The fact that Kane has chosen not to bring up what happened yesterday is unusual and a little confusing.  I don't doubt we'll talk more about it eventually, but I've no real interest in doing so any time soon.  I am feeling disconnected, but the thought of a reconnection spanking holds no appeal to me right now.  I don't know if it would work.

Am I feeling apathetic?  I'm not sure.  Maybe.

I know I'll have to work through this, and I will.  But right now I'm just so tired.