Sunday, January 26, 2014

When It Doesn't Feel Good

When things are running smoothly, it's easier to take time to consider and appreciate my husband's fine qualities and traits.  I've been making more mental notes recently to try to remember to tell him these positives and to sincerely complement him.  I don't always succeed at this.  Sometimes  Often it's easier to focus on the negatives, on those things they do (or don't do) that upset, annoy, or hurt us.

Then we have those days where we seem to be on opposite pages, or even in different books entirely.  Kane and I run into this from time to time in the area of intent and emotions.

He'll say something, and it can come across in a way that he denies ever intending, and vice versa.  I will often point out that tone and voice inflection are very important and play a huge part in effective communication.  Of course, so does facial expression and body language, and that's where I get into trouble sometimes.

This happened to us yesterday while out together shopping and running errands.

We've both been under a lot of stress lately, due to situations regarding some of our children.  You can read about it here, if you don't know the story.

This past week I felt the effects of the stress we've been under more than usual.  Kane could see it, and expressed his concern on more than one occasion.  Yesterday, as we were talking about various aspects of it, he told me that, if I talked to any of my friends about the topic, he didn't want me to talk exclusively about it.    

I don't do that.  I always ask my friends about themselves and their families and give them plenty of time to talk. 

My dear, don't get defensive.  I see how stressed you've been, how you've  not really been yourself, and I just want to help you.

Do you think I don't know not to talk exclusively about my problems/situations with people?  I don't do that.

Kane was irritated by my response.  I tried to explain how it came across, but he strongly disagreed.  He said I was taking it the wrong way, that I was being too sensitive.  I continued to try to tell him why it came across to me the way I did, but he didn't see it.  We tried to move on. 

 One of the stops we needed to make along the way was the post office to make a photocopy of something we needed to include in a packet we were dropping off at a local business.  Our printer had just run out of ink that morning, so I couldn't make the copy myself.  I had let Kane know about it, as well as the fact that we'd need to have a copy made while we were out.

I thought he heard me.  I believe he made a sound that I interpreted as acknowledgment at the time.  We were in the same room, a few feet apart from each other.

So as we were in the car, and I reminded him that we had to make the copy, he said something that made me readily understand that he hadn't heard me -- or listened to me.  Included in what he said was a sigh, one that I interpreted as frustration, something to the effect that had he known about it before we left home, he could have switched the ink from 'black' to 'color' and done it there.  

Anyone care to take a guess as to how I was feeling at the moment?

I quickly responded that I had told him and thought that he had heard me.  He felt I was being defensive.  He said that I'd been on edge all morning and also during the week.  He said he was not going to walk on eggshells.  Eggshells?  To me, this one had nothing to do with eggshells.  I was annoyed because he clearly had sounded frustrated about not knowing about the ink running out.  He said he was not directing anything at me, just making a statement.

As I was the only other person in the car, I told him that it was logical to assume he was speaking to me.

The whole thing went from bad to worse when he said, rather loudly, that I'd made him feel stupid.

Holy Moly.  Seriously?  I could not understand how he didn't see how he'd come across to me, even if it hadn't been his intention.  I thought that if I explained it, he would be able to see how I could have arrived at the conclusion I did.

Kane had given me a maintenance spanking earlier in the morning, and now he was saying that he should have given me more.

He got out of the car to go into a store.  I stayed behind.

Next we headed for the post office.  Kane went inside to make the copy.  We made two more stops and headed for home....quietly.  I had an appointment to go to as soon as we got home and another one directly after that.

I got home about 6pm.  Kane came in a few minutes after me with our daughter, who he'd just picked up from her after-school program.  He headed directly downstairs, where he remained for quite a while doing some of his woodworking.  That was fine with me, because I just wanted to relax after supper.  I watched a little TV with my daughters, and they went to bed.  I settled in nicely on the couch to watch some more TV.  I did not feel like discussing what had happened any further, and apparently, neither did Kane.  I felt like being by myself.  I was upset, but too tired and drained to want to do anything about it.  I chose the quiet route.

Much later, Kane came upstairs and told me to come to bed.  I was right in the middle of a movie, so he said I could finish it and come to bed after it ended.

We woke up, and the day went on.  I had no interest in talking to Kane, and it was pretty evident.  While he did not bring up what happened yesterday, he did make some unrelated remarks throughout the day and asked my opinion on the projects he was working on.  I answered when spoken to, but that was pretty much it.  The thing is, I don't really feel angry.  I'd say I'm probably feeling more frustrated than anything else......well, that.....and sad.

Earlier tonight my son came over for dinner, and afterward, the three of us played a game.  We had a nice time.  After he went home, I mentioned that I would like to go back on the computer, as I hadn't had much time on it earlier, and Kane ok'd it.

I've been down here for a couple of hours.  He's since gone to bed.  When I finish up here, I'm going to watch some TV on the couch.  I'll go to bed only if Kane comes out to the living room and tells me to.

I don't feel stressed or anxious about the state we're in.  I am not feeling submissive (in case you haven't guessed), and I have no desire to any time soon.

The fact that Kane has chosen not to bring up what happened yesterday is unusual and a little confusing.  I don't doubt we'll talk more about it eventually, but I've no real interest in doing so any time soon.  I am feeling disconnected, but the thought of a reconnection spanking holds no appeal to me right now.  I don't know if it would work.

Am I feeling apathetic?  I'm not sure.  Maybe.

I know I'll have to work through this, and I will.  But right now I'm just so tired.


  1. Hey You.

    Well I have no advice, merely questions base on what I have discovered about myself so bear with me because this may not resonate with you in the least~
    Do you think the original statement from Kane, which started this ball rolling, affected you so much because deep down inside you fear there may be some truth to it? ( BTW...have talked to you, not my experience, merely a question). Do you think that maybe the 'egg shell' comment hit home because you yourself had already been feeling the same way, only you had him in mind as the culprit? I am asking these questions because over the past few years I have begun to recognize in *myself* that sometimes when I am in that emotional forest, and I can't see the darn trees, I find faults in others that I actually realize I dislike in myself. No you haven't mentioned that so much with Kane in this post, but the reach isn't that great. Maybe you are taking offense to his words because you feel, subconsciously,that he might be right.
    Whether just he sees it or you see it or he worries about it or you worry about it, it sucks either way. Now the thing is to talk about how you both FEEL. Because perception, whether accurate or not is something the other sees and ultimately feels. Some how everyone not only has to get on the same page, but the same IN the same sentence. And begin writing the rest of the story together, because this ending?....LOL.

    I know you can do it, if you haven't already. Heck the fact that you have written a post about it means you are working your way towards a resolution in your heart.
    love willie

    1. I don't mind the questions, Willie. Just not sure if I know exactly what you mean. With regard to the 'eggshell' comment, did you mean I might have been thinking I was the one walking on eggshells?

      "I am asking these questions because over the past few years I have begun to recognize in *myself* that sometimes when I am in that emotional forest, and I can't see the darn trees, I find faults in others that I actually realize I dislike in myself. No you haven't mentioned that so much with Kane in this post, but the reach isn't that great. Maybe you are taking offense to his words because you feel, subconsciously,that he might be right."

      I don't disagree that, by virtue of our humanity, we are all vulnerable to this, myself included. I don't believe I feared what he said was true, but rather I felt hurt that he might think I didn't extend my friends the same ear/heart/ it what you will...that they offer me when we talk about what's going on in our lives. I did feel the need to defend myself.

      I realize that he was looking out for me in that he didn't want me to get too caught up in the stress of our situation, and I can appreciate that, but it felt to me that he was saying I did not know enough about give and take conversations. It was to that I took offense.

      As for talking about how we feel, I feel it's up to him to start the ball rolling. I just feel differently this time. I'm not saying it's right, but I almost feel like I don't care if we talk about it or not. I'm not up for a big argument if he tries to insist he's right and won't understand my perspective. He's very much aware of the elephant in the room, and has thrown himself into his woodworking projects. The fact that he took himself downstairs to his man cave for hours after I arrived home Friday night told me he wasn't willing to address it further.

      We'll get around to it eventually. Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I appreciate it.


  2. The Duke and I have done this, I've told him something, he has answered, and then he does not remember the conversation at all. It has hurt me in the past, but now I know to double check with him when I don't get much of a response. It saves a lot of hurt feelings later. I hope you guys can find your own way to avoid these hurts too. {{{hugs}}}

    I find that submission is not only built in spankings. If I am feeling a complete disconnect from submission, I often need the Duke to do a few other things to foster that in me, so don't feel bad if you don't feel a spanking would work right now. There are many ways for an HOH to take the lead, and each one helps foster that submissive side in us. :)

    I hope you guys have a chance to sit down soon and really talk, and really listen to each other. I think it will help a lot.

    {{{hugs}}} EsMay

    1. Thank you, Es May. I know that eventually we will find our way. Usually we do a lot sooner. This time it's different for both of us, because, as I said, Kane has chosen not to bring it up since it happened, and I find myself preferring to stay in this place I'm in, at least for a little while.

      You're right about there being other ways than spankings to foster submission. Kane and I have talked about that on many occasions, mostly as a result of my bringing it to his attention. I've told him I want those things.

      Kane knows what he needs to do to take the lead. If he comes to me wanting to talk about this, I will, but I just don't feel it's incumbent upon me to initiate it. I honestly don't think it's a matter of being stubborn (although I can certainly be that way at times).


  3. Hi Sadie,
    I am sorry that you are feeling so tired right now. I am sure, as you said, the two of you will work through this. Like anything, it may take time. Sometimes I feel my husband and I speak different languages and we do not understand. This can get us into similar scenarios as you described, but the love we have for each other always brings us back eventually. I am sure yours will too. :-) I hope happiness for your children, too. Your story is inspirational and hope the children who need help get all that they need. It sounds like you are a wonderful advocate for them. Hugs

  4. You are both under so much stress right now. It's easy to misread each other
    and feel attacked, you and him. Maybe it's best that you are both taking a day or
    so to think about things.


    1. Thanks, Sara. That's what I'm thinking. I also feel it's up to Kane to initiate the resolve, whatever that may involve.


  5. When you can sit down calmly and think it all through these things are usually so small really. Tiny things but we allow them to grow and become huge and then, if you are like me you become stubborn and will refuse to make the first move at making it good again. Don't you secretly wish that he would come and order you to bed, hold you and sort it all out, whatever that takes? I do when things get like this, But .... I stupidly rarely if ever make that first move.
    Good luck x

    1. Thanks, Janey. You could be right, but I honestly don't feel I'm being stubborn this time (heck, maybe I am and it's a blind spot). I really think it's up to Kane to make the first move.

      He actually did order me to bed last night, while I was watching TV. I did as I was told. Today was a continuation of yesterday, with no attempt at discussing what happened.

      As for holding me and sorting it all out.....I'd have to say both 'yes' and 'no', depending on his frame of mind. He gets upset when I don't see his point of view (understandable, as I am the same way), and if we're involved in a spanking, he spanks harder because of it, because he feels I'm being stubborn. So I'm hesitant to want him to address this because I don't know if it will have a good outcome, and if it doesn't, we'll both be even more upset. Yuck.....what a sticky situation, eh?


  6. Ahh Sadie.. I know the feeling.. The Man and I had something very similar. I chose the path you took, and quietly removed myself to the living room. I was shocked and a bit hurt at what felt like a personal attack and I didn't like it. You guys will find a way to talk about it. Sometimes you gotta let the dust settle.

    1. Hi Dana, thank you for visiting my blog and leaving a comment.

      "Sometimes you gotta let the dust settle."

      That's how I feel.

      p.s. I just found your blog. Looking forward to reading your posts and getting to know you better :)

  7. Hi Sadie, for what it is worth, Nina and I have been married for 38 years and what you wrote was something that still happens to us not too infrequently. I read your post at least three times and it was like "yep, been there and done that".

    It has been my observation that tone, body language, vocal inflections and such are much more noticed by Nina (and all women) than I (and all men). So sometimes I say stuff, and get a very unexpected reaction from her (like upset, angry, hurt).

    I appear to her to be clueless why she is reacting in such a manner, which she immediatley interprets as an insult; as if I am intentionally ignoring all her "non-verbal" communication. I unwisely opine that she is overeacting, which only escalates her irritation! Sound familiar?

    Not to make excuses, but guys just are not intuitive communicators, nor mental multi-taskers. Which is the reason when you speak to us, we almost always say, what?

    In order to communicate, we have to stop our current thought (if we happen to have had one at all at that moment) and re-focus on the new thought! Es May is very wise to make certain she gets a postive affirmation to any communication.

    I understand Kane's feelings. Whenever Nina attempts to "explain" it to me, I react the same way. The thing that helps prevent such situations is to always assume positive intent.

    In other words, when Nina says something that excites my child (as per transactual analysis) I pause and before I react I choose the implication with the most positive meaning (i.e. she wasn't implying anything negative towards me). It seems to help because I don't get upset, which in turn prevents her being upset with me for (in her estimation) no good reason. (hope that made sense)

    Ironically, it is those we most care about and have an intimate relation with (moreso emotional than physical) that we get upset with because they are the very one's who we believe should know us and understand us best in all situations. When the inevitable mis-communication occurs, we then start to imagine (incorrectly) deeper problems exist.

    Relationships are fret with pot holes and speed bumps. When they do happen somebody has to step up and talk about the trip down that bumpy road to get things back on the smooth pavement.

    My guess is that Kane is hesitant to bring it up for two reasons. 1) he dosen't really understand what he needs to say and 2) that talking would result in getting upset with each other again.

    Trust me, if he reacts like I do, he is just as sorry as you are and would love to get things back on the smooth highway and have a pleasant journey with the one he loves the most in this world! With Nina's and I, sometimes all it takes is a great big silent hug to get things back on course.

    Sorry for the long expose, but I really did identify with you guys and the words just came out, and out, and out!

    Hugs and Blessings,

    1. George I just wanted to say thank-you for your I read it...something husband told me once "if ever I say or do anything that hurt your feelings...I didn't mean it" and I know it is true...but I am started to understand more and more the differences in how we communicate... :-)

    2. Oh, George, let's get something straight -- first things first -- Never ever apologize for the length of a comment! I actually had been thinking of you after I posted and was hoping I'd hear from you.

      I can't tell you enough how much your words mean and how big a help they are, and not just to me, as evidenced above by Terps' comment :)

      Sometimes hearing a man's perspective from a man other than my man is soooo helpful -- really.

      "I appear to her to be clueless why she is reacting in such a manner, which she immediatley interprets as an insult; as if I am intentionally ignoring all her "non-verbal" communication. I unwisely opine that she is overeacting, which only escalates her irritation! Sound familiar?"

      Oh, good Lord. I didn't realize you were in the car with us...LOL. Absolutely. You hit the nail on the head.

      Kane and I are slowly working our way back to each other. He told me he wants to read my blog post, and I know he'll be really blessed by the comments here.

      Thanks so much.

      Hugs & Blessings to both you and Nina,

  8. Hi! I just came across your blog and have read a few entries. I can relate to a lot of stuff you write, and am looking forward to reading more from you.

    I'm sorry you guys are so stressed. TTWD can become such a nightmare during those times, can't it? I think a little space might be a good thing. Both take some time, and then regroup and talk about it. I hope it's all resolved soon. :)

    1. Hi Kenzie! Thanks so much for stopping by and commenting.

      I'm glad to say that Kane and I are (finally -- as in just this afternoon) working our way through this and back to each other.

      I popped on over to your blog (I wasn't aware of it until you commented here) and did some reading, too. I'm looking forward to getting to know you, better!