Tuesday, June 9, 2015

The Continuum of Life

Ebb, flow, up, down, in, out, back, forth.......... and so it goes.

I haven't been able to come up with anything I feel is note/newsworthy enough to write about, so I've just kind of let it go.  On hold, if you will.

Yet, I remind myself (and recall the several reminders I've received in the past from readers) that concerning myself with how well received and/or "effective" a post will be is not the focus or the point.  Write for myself. Yeah, that's it, write for myself.  Why can't I seem to remember that?  Lol

As I review the events of my life over the past 6 months, I am happy to say that my household is a much calmer and peaceful place than it had been.  Some things have settled.  Read here if you'd like some background information.  The children I talk about are adopted and have suffered abuse and neglect in their early childhoods while at their birth mother's home.

Of my three youngest children, the eldest remains in the placement that is best for her.  I have felt validated of late as some of the service providers have come to a better and clearer understanding of what Kane and I had tried for so long to tell them.  I believe we are no longer viewed as The Terrible Parents.  My child will remain where she is until she graduates in two years, at which time she will transition into Independent Living.  Many services will be put into place to help her, and she needs so much help.  Her ongoing incontinence at night (she is 16) is suggestive of past sexual abuse, or, at the very least, exposure to sexual behaviors between others.  I say 'suggestive', because nothing has ever been disclosed.  What is known is that she suffers from ptsd, bipolar disorder, anxiety, reactive attachment disorder, and paranoia.

The second youngest is back home with us full time (since the beginning of last month).  So far she's handling herself much better than she used to, but there are hints and foreshadowings of some not-so-good things to come.  She stole money from my purse last week for the first time.  She's become way too comfortable with lying -- to us and her teachers.  Her behavior still scares her younger sister at times.  She suffers from ptsd, reactive attachment disorder, and emotional conduct disorder.  One therapist believes she may be sociopathic.

Speaking of the youngest, she is doing well.  With her intellectual disability, it is not likely she will ever mature past the age of 10 - 15.  She is 12 now, yet emotionally, she ranges anywhere from 4 - 8.  Fortunately, she will always have services in place.  She is also on the autism spectrum.

All three children require constant supervision and management, both at home and in school.  I worry about their future and pray.

I am no longer taking an anti-depressant.........well, that's mostly true.  I'm not taking the one I'd been on for a year and a half, but am still taking another (Welbutrin) that the doctor added a few months back.  I'd wean myself off of that one, too, but it's reported to help with weight loss ;)  I started a weight loss plan last month and have lost 5 pounds.  5 down, 40 to go.  Lol  I'm considering going back to school for a business degree and plan to assist Kane with his business.  The thought of it has me both excited and nervous.

I colored my hair a different color and began using my middle name (something I've wanted to do for years).

TTWD has taken a back seat -- nothing we discussed, just let happen.  I kind of don't mind that right now.  It's a bit odd that we haven't talked about it.  I've said a couple of things -- "We aren't really doing that anymore", to which he has not responded.  We're getting along well, although he's said I've been more irritable and bitchy at times (workin' on it).

Do I want the dynamic back in our relationship?  Right now I'm not so sure.  I think about it and wonder if I miss it.  Was it really for us, or did we just try very hard to make it feel natural?  I think about bringing up the topic with Kane from time to time, but then I don't.  I'm not mad or upset with him over it, yet I don't get how he's not even mentioning anything about it.

We may return to it, we may not, I don't know, but life goes on.  I feel ok now.  Kane and I feel ok -- better than we have our whole married life (5 years).  We are hopeful again.  We talk about our future a lot and what we want to do.  Our dream is to move south in the not-too-distant future.

So, that's it.  If it turns out we don't do any spanky or dd stuff for a while (or longer), is it ok to stay here in blogland and check in from time to time?  I really don't want to give it up entirely.

So, to sum it up, I'm at peace with what is.  Well, maybe it's better said that I'm at peace no matter what is. The Serenity Prayer, which I've known forever, has taken on a deeper and richer meaning for me and become my mantra.

Monday, April 27, 2015

Real Neat Blog Award

Thank you, Clara, for your kind nomination.  I really don't feel worthy of it, having been away for so long, but I'll go ahead and answer your questions for the fun of it!

The rules, that come along with these things are as follows:
1. Put the award logo on your post.
2. Answer the 7 questions asked by the person who nominated you.
3. Nominate any number of bloggers you like, linking to their blogs.
4. Let them know you nominated them.

1. If you could travel anywhere, money and time off work not an issue, where would you visit?

    I would travel all over the US in an RV with Kane.

2. Do you play a musical instrument?

    Not anymore, but I played the clarinet from 4th - 6th grades.  Does that count?
3. If you get yourself into trouble and you're trying to butter up your HoH, what meal do make for him?
    I haven't tried that method of buttering up yet, but it sounds like a good idea!  I'd make seafood for
    Kane; he loves tilapia and salmon.

4. What was the last book you read?
     'Valiant, A Modern Tale of Faeries'

5. What is your favorite season and why?  

    I'd have to say it's a toss up between spring and summer.   
6. What is your favorite color> 

    Royal blue

7. (borrowed from Christina, I like this question) Do you have a current goal you are working towards? What is it? If not, where would you like to see yourself 5 years from now in April 2020?  

    With my two youngest children not yet in high school, and this being my 35th year of parenting, I am very
    much looking forward to the next chapter of my life as an empty nester.

OK, my turn to nominate.  I nominate J Girl (Taming of the Shrew) and Minelle (My Breath).

Here are my questions:

1.  How would you describe your personality?

2.  What do you like to do for fun (besides the obvious...lol)?

3.  What was your most embarrassing moment?

4.  When was the last time you laughed so hard your sides ached, and why?

5.  What is your favorite food?

6.  Do you like to sing karaoke?

7.  What would you like to do that you haven't done yet?

Sunday, April 19, 2015

To Sir, With Love

Asking Kane for permission is something he incorporated into our rules well over a year  ago (maybe two?).  It is something that is not easy for me to do, even though I agree with the concept.  When we first started putting it into practice, I found several different ways in which I could do it without having to say "May I?"  I have always said 'please' to everyone when asking for something, as my mama taught me well.  If, on occasion, as sometimes happened, I forgot to say it to Kane when asking for his help with something or asking him to do something for me, he has always reminded me to say 'please', as it's important to him.  I should add that Kane holds himself to that same standard.

Taking the creative approach, I chose my words carefully:

I thought I might go and do such and such if that's ok with you?

Are you ok with me going/doing such and such?

When I was mad at him, I worded it this way:

If you have no objections, I'd like (or I plan) to..........

If Kane noticed those nuances, he didn't say so.

Several months ago we were discussing the topic of asking for permission, and he told me he wanted me to begin all of my requests for permission with "May I please.................Sir?  I was okay with it, as it certainly made sense in this lifestyle.  Besides, I needed to stretch myself beyond my comfort zone, and he was glad to catapult help me.

And so it was that was the new way for me to ask Kane's permission for something.  It wasn't easy for me.  I found having to say "May I" made me feel silly or foolish (and maybe a little inferior).  Having to say 'Sir' -- well, that just didn't sound natural.  It's like when we first started out four years ago when I could barely get the word 'spanking' out of my mouth when talking -- it even seemed involuntary at times, the hesitation, I mean.   It felt to me like I was just playing a game, even though I was very serious about the whole thing.
I've told Kane how difficult it is for me to own this, to make it a natural part of me.  It still does not flow from my mouth naturally.  On a few occasions when I started talking about something I wanted to do and forgot to ask the right way, Kane was quick to remind me in a gentle and firm way.  It still happens from time to time.  Last night we talked about it again, and I asked him if he would tell me how it makes him feel when I say "May I please.........Sir?"  I asked him this because I was hoping it would help make it easier and more natural if I knew how and why it was important to him.

He told me that it's a connection.  Asking in that manner is submissive, and when I do that, his desire to lead and protect me is even greater.  He asked me if I understood.  I did.  I do.

I asked Kane if requiring me to say "Sir" was of personal significance to him or if he thought of it simply as an exercise in submission for me.  I asked him if he ever feels unnatural requiring it of me or being addressed that way.  He told me it was important to him and seriously likes it when I say it.

His explanation really did help me gain a deeper understanding.   I'm  hoping that not only will I get to the place where asking that way feels natural and good, but also that I won't find myself slipping backwards so much.  That is my challenge and my goal.

Today I looked him in the eye as naturally and softly as I could when I asked his permission to wear pants.  I felt a new sense of earnestness within.

I'd say that's a good start.

I've taken some liberty with some of the words to this song to reflect my love for and gratitude to my wonderful husband, my Sir.

FYI - This video continues with other songs after this one ends.  So just click 'pause' to end.  I couldn't figure out how to limit it to just this song.

Those yester years of talking back
And saying no are gone
And in their place I look
For ways to show you my gratitude

But how do you thank someone
Who has helped you find your true identity?
It isn't easy, but I'll try

If you wanted the sky
I would write across the sky in letters
That would soar a thousand feet high
To Sir, With Love

And here we are
Facing life together hand in hand
And in my heart I know
That I have married my best friend

The man who taught me right from wrong
And weak from strong
That's a lot to learn
What can I give you in return?

If you wanted the moon
I would try to make a star
But I would rather you let
me give my heart
to Sir With Love

Monday, April 6, 2015

Round And Round We Go.....

.....where we stop, nobody knows we know all too well.

Why do I keep going round and round with this?

I'm thinking if I just start typing, it might prove helpful in sorting it out.

If I break it down step by step, in accordance with what Kane and I have agreed upon in TTWD, my logic tells me he was right and I wrong.  But logic didn't win last Friday night.  I can't say I was thinking with my heart, because that's not where the problem was, either. 

I guess it all should have gone pretty simply.  I had done something he told me not to do.  Not intentionally, but it happened nonetheless.  Kane doesn't mind if I watch TV at night (I do have to ask permission to watch on Netflix), but he does not want me falling asleep with the TV and/or light on.  Herein lies the problem.  When I'm relaxing all comfy cozy in the recliner with a blanket, sometimes sleep claims me, despite my efforts to the contrary.  Kane says if I feel myself getting that tired, I need to turn off the TV and light.  Sometimes he's watching something else either downstairs or on the ipad in our bedroom.  He'll often fall asleep before I do.  So what happens is I drift off, the TV and light are still on, and it could be 1:00 - 2:00 in the morning before he wakes up and comes out to the living room to check.

The first time it happened this week was Monday or Tuesday.  He decided to let me off with a warning because I hadn't done it in a long time.  He said if it happened again there would be a punishment.  Well it happened Thursday night again.  He came out, turned off the TV and light, and told me there would be a punishment the next night.  Actually, I woke up as he was coming through the kitchen into the living room.

"Honey, I'm awake.  I'm going to turn the TV off right now."

Seeing the screen dimmed due to the show having ended and my not choosing another (Netflix) told him I'd fallen asleep with it on.  I knew better than to protest, so I got up and went to bed.
I thought about it several times throughout the next day.  Mixed feelings.  One part of me was glad that he would be consistent with what he said would happen.  The other part bothered me because I wasn't totally buying into the idea that what I'd done -- falling asleep against my will and better judgment -- should be a punishable offense.

So when the time came last night I was struggling emotionally with it.  I didn't turn over when he told me to.  I wanted to talk about it and why it was I felt it was not a fair and just rule.  He was annoyed because we'd had this conversation on more than one occasion already.  I lay there looking at him as he held the wooden paddle in his hand, waiting for me to turn over.  I was hesitating.  Then he told me either I turn over now and get 8 whacks or it would be 80.  I begrudgingly turned over.

It didn't make me feel like he was right and I was wrong.  I was still upset.  His annoyance turned to anger and he raised his voice.  Said he couldn't believe we were having the same conversation again.  He was upset that he had gotten no submission out of me.  I pointed out that I turned over for him.  He quickly pointed out that it was not until I was threatened with 80 swats.  I told him if I didn't think it was a fair rule, I didn't feel right apologizing for falling asleep.  At one point I told him I thought the idea of receiving a punishment for leaving a light on (if the TV was off) due to the fact that I had fallen asleep was absurd.  That earned me another spanking.

He was very mad and frustrated.  He said that if I don't agree with something, I can respectfully state it, but that I need to own up to the transgression and apologize for not obeying him.  And that even though I eventually turned over and took the spanking, he did not feel any submission from me.  I guess he was right.
I asked him about imposing a bed time rule.  I felt that would help and would be a rule that was fair and made more sense to me.  That would make it more likely that I wouldn't fall asleep in the living room with the TV on.  He said OK and told me my new bedtime is 10:00. 

He turned off the light and I knew he was still upset.  I was, too.  I asked him if I could put my head on his chest, and he turned toward me.  As we lay there, I asked him something (I can't remember what just now), and he told me he was really tired and couldn't do more talking.  I said I was still trying to figure out who I am and if this (submission and obedience) is really me.

We fell asleep.

I don't know why this struggle keeps resurfacing.  Sometimes I feel so in tune with this dynamic.  I've told Kane many times that I do not want to go back to the way things were without it.  I would miss it too much.  That's still true.

I often think about it when I'm alone driving.  To be honest, sometimes I miss the independence I found after my divorce from my first husband.  We'd been married for 27 years with much turbulence and turmoil.  He was not controlling, but he was verbally and emotionally abusive.

I was open to the idea of marriage again if the right person came along, but I was in no hurry.  I was learning how to manage on my own for the first time in my life and I liked it.  Dating was fun and I learned a lot about myself.

When I met Kane, I knew he was someone different from all the rest.  I fell in love with him almost right away and that scared me.  He fell in love with me just as quickly.  Of course, we didn't tell each other for quite a while (besides, I was not going to be the one who said it first!).

We talked of marriage, and that scared me too.  He had never been married before, but he was confident that we would build a wonderful life together.  I knew he was one in a million and that I did not want to lose him.  I wanted to marry him, too.  We did, one year and three months after we met.  I thought we could just blend our lives together and I could still be the me I was (although, a lot of that 'me' needed improvement).  I had no idea (nor did he, at the time) that we would head toward a traditional marriage where the husband is the leader and the wife submissive.  Oh, I had believed it should be that way even in my first marriage, as I'd been taught that in church and in the scriptures.  I'm the one that brought the subject of Dd to him during our first year.

Fast forward to today -- I asked Kane if we could talk about it again now that we were a few days out from it and would most likely handle the conversation better.  I felt I was in a better place to at least try to understand his perspective.

He told me that what he's trying to do is instill discipline (of the self-initiated kind) in me.  Admittedly, I'm not a very disciplined person.  He stood by his rule and said that it's his choice/decision to make and I could consider it an exercise in submission (something we'd discussed several times and for which I had asked).
I asked Kane what I should do when I don't agree with him even after a spanking, like in this case.  It seemed disingenuous to apologize for something that I didn't feel 'guilty' of. 

He said that even though I didn't agree with the (fairness of) rule, I still should have apologized for doing what he had told me not to do (disobedience), in this case, falling asleep with the TV and light on.  I tried telling him again that I can't help it if my body dozes off while I'm watching TV, but he said I should have a sense of how tired I am, and if I think it could happen, I should just turn off the TV (and light) and go to bed.
I asked him what he's looking for from/in me during those times of correction/punishment.  Doesn't he understand that I don't always want to turn over on a dime just because he says so? (I know, I know -- this even sounds ridiculous to me right now - I must sound like a hypocrite.)  Doesn't he understand that sometimes the whole thing strikes me as not right -- I'm a 56 year old woman, after all!  Does he appreciate how hard it is for me sometimes?  Does he expect me to turn over immediately when he tells me to in those moments?  Yes, he does.  He gets that it's a struggle for me, but that doesn't change the fact that by not doing so when he tells me to, it's a sign of disrespect.

Tonight I do have a better understanding and appreciation for my husband and all the responsibility he bears in TTWD.  I can make it so frustrating for him sometimes.  It's like I like it when it feels good, until it doesn't.  And it seems so fickle -- well, I guess I'm fickle.  I feel like I should have this better figured out by now.  We've been at this for 4 years now (give or take a few brief breaks here and there).  Sigh.

I have to admit that I'm glad he's sticking to his guns.  The respect factor rose when he told me that I don't have to like it, but I do have to obey.  And, truth be told, I felt a twinge in a special place ;)

TTWD can be nutty sometimes, or maybe it's just me that's nutty.

I still don't like the rule. 

Wednesday, April 1, 2015

Peach Fuzz

I read a post last week that I can't stop thinking about.  I mean, I'm really fascinated.  My good friend, Clara, of Clara's Wish, wrote it.  Click here if you'd like to read it.  I'm proud of her for putting her embarrassment aside and mustering up the courage to ask if anyone else had experienced what she did.  From reading the comments left by other bloggers, it's clear several of them know exactly what she's talking about.  I, however, was totally out of the loop.  Honestly, I was stymied.  What am I talking about?  The topic is peach fuzz - and not on your peaches.  This is something that has mysteriously appeared on the bottoms of several well-spanked ladies among us.  I have to admit, I began to wonder if Kane and I haven't been doing it right!  I don't have peach fuzz on my butt.  I felt left out.  Just to be sure, I asked Kane to check out my derriere.  Nope.  Nada.  Zilch.

Now Clara and I have gotten to know each other very well, and as I said, she's a good friend :)  We've had many a chat, but not once did she mention this to me!  I teased her about it the last time we spoke.  She couldn't believe I don't have any.  Sigh.  Oh, she was very gracious about the whole thing, that's how she is, she'd never make me feel bad about something like that, or anything else, for that matter.  Well, not intentionally lol.  How could she possibly know that her post would give me food for thought that would leave me with peach fuzz envy?  How could she possibly know that I can be this weird and strange sometimes?  (I've tried hard to hide it.)

Just exactly what is this thing we do?  It's so multi-faceted!

So I have to ask -- what am I missing???  What do you think brought on the peach fuzz?  Certain implements?  Numerous spankings?  Hard ones?

Hmmm.........should I just leave well enough alone?

Thursday, March 26, 2015

Poor Old Michael Finnegan

Poor old Michael Finnegan

He had whiskers on his chin again

Along came the wind and blew them in again

Poor old Michael Finnegan

Begin Again

Poor old Michael Finnegan.............(and so on and so on) There really is no end.  You just stop singing when you get sick of it...lol

Well, this is what came flooding back into my memory when I thought about beginning to blog again.  It's actually a song.

Anyone heard of it?  It's an oldie, as am I ;)

I suppose if poor old Michael Finnegan could begin again, so can I.