The Continuum of Life

Ebb, flow, up, down, in, out, back, forth.......... and so it goes.

I haven't been able to come up with anything I feel is note/newsworthy enough to write about, so I've just kind of let it go.  On hold, if you will.

Yet, I remind myself (and recall the several reminders I've received in the past from readers) that concerning myself with how well received and/or "effective" a post will be is not the focus or the point.  Write for myself. Yeah, that's it, write for myself.  Why can't I seem to remember that?  Lol

As I review the events of my life over the past 6 months, I am happy to say that my household is a much calmer and peaceful place than it had been.  Some things have settled.  Read here if you'd like some background information.  The children I talk about are adopted and have suffered abuse and neglect in their early childhoods while at their birth mother's home.

Of my three youngest children, the eldest remains in the placement that is best for her.  I have felt validated of late as some of the service providers have come to a better and clearer understanding of what Kane and I had tried for so long to tell them.  I believe we are no longer viewed as The Terrible Parents.  My child will remain where she is until she graduates in two years, at which time she will transition into Independent Living.  Many services will be put into place to help her, and she needs so much help.  Her ongoing incontinence at night (she is 16) is suggestive of past sexual abuse, or, at the very least, exposure to sexual behaviors between others.  I say 'suggestive', because nothing has ever been disclosed.  What is known is that she suffers from ptsd, bipolar disorder, anxiety, reactive attachment disorder, and paranoia.

The second youngest is back home with us full time (since the beginning of last month).  So far she's handling herself much better than she used to, but there are hints and foreshadowings of some not-so-good things to come.  She stole money from my purse last week for the first time.  She's become way too comfortable with lying -- to us and her teachers.  Her behavior still scares her younger sister at times.  She suffers from ptsd, reactive attachment disorder, and emotional conduct disorder.  One therapist believes she may be sociopathic.

Speaking of the youngest, she is doing well.  With her intellectual disability, it is not likely she will ever mature past the age of 10 - 15.  She is 12 now, yet emotionally, she ranges anywhere from 4 - 8.  Fortunately, she will always have services in place.  She is also on the autism spectrum.

All three children require constant supervision and management, both at home and in school.  I worry about their future and pray.

I am no longer taking an anti-depressant.........well, that's mostly true.  I'm not taking the one I'd been on for a year and a half, but am still taking another (Welbutrin) that the doctor added a few months back.  I'd wean myself off of that one, too, but it's reported to help with weight loss ;)  I started a weight loss plan last month and have lost 5 pounds.  5 down, 40 to go.  Lol  I'm considering going back to school for a business degree and plan to assist Kane with his business.  The thought of it has me both excited and nervous.

I colored my hair a different color and began using my middle name (something I've wanted to do for years).

TTWD has taken a back seat -- nothing we discussed, just let happen.  I kind of don't mind that right now.  It's a bit odd that we haven't talked about it.  I've said a couple of things -- "We aren't really doing that anymore", to which he has not responded.  We're getting along well, although he's said I've been more irritable and bitchy at times (workin' on it).

Do I want the dynamic back in our relationship?  Right now I'm not so sure.  I think about it and wonder if I miss it.  Was it really for us, or did we just try very hard to make it feel natural?  I think about bringing up the topic with Kane from time to time, but then I don't.  I'm not mad or upset with him over it, yet I don't get how he's not even mentioning anything about it.

We may return to it, we may not, I don't know, but life goes on.  I feel ok now.  Kane and I feel ok -- better than we have our whole married life (5 years).  We are hopeful again.  We talk about our future a lot and what we want to do.  Our dream is to move south in the not-too-distant future.

So, that's it.  If it turns out we don't do any spanky or dd stuff for a while (or longer), is it ok to stay here in blogland and check in from time to time?  I really don't want to give it up entirely.

So, to sum it up, I'm at peace with what is.  Well, maybe it's better said that I'm at peace no matter what is. The Serenity Prayer, which I've known forever, has taken on a deeper and richer meaning for me and become my mantra.