Friday, November 29, 2013

The Best Laid Plans & How They Back(side)fired

Lately my need for J's dominance has given way to  a craving for it.  I find myself needing more and more expressions of his domliness.  We don't argue nearly as much or even in the same way that we used to, so punishment spankings have been pretty infrequent (which, I know, I know, is a good thing.)  Over the last few months I've tried explaining to him what I need, in terms of his being more expressive with me about what he wants.  I've encouraged him to tell me what he likes me to wear, how he'd like me to wear my hair.....things like that.  In the beginning he was doing it at least a few times a week.  I told him how good it makes me feel.  He's told me he understands better what it is I need from him.

He doesn't order me around, which is good, because I really wouldn't like that; instead, he treats me respectfully, the way he expects me to treat him.  He'll ask or point out something he would like me to do, and it is expected I will do it.  When I'm in the soft and submissive place, I'm happy (most of the time!) to do these things for him.  Ebb and flow, ebb and flow.......we roll along.

In this happy little place, there is no need for 'the look' or a stern expression, or warning or anything.  It can go like this for weeks, and then I get off kilter.  Crazy as it sounds, I even begin to long for the threat of a punishment spanking (or even just a firm warning) because of the way it makes me feel when he takes control like that.  And here's the other weird part -- I never want to go through the pain of one, yet what I long for is the soreness that's present the next day or two as the ever-present reminder that J is in control.  It makes me feel oh-so-submissive.

Maintenance, or role affirmation spankings, have been pretty consistent.  The only thing is that it's felt like J's heart isn't really in it.  I've told him that they often feel comforting rather than painful.  We talked about my need for him to take me further, both in intensity and time.  It's been getting better, but I still think we need to go longer.  Sometimes I've playfully told him that I might have to do something to see what he will do, to which he usually says, "I don't think you want to do that, because you know I'll have to take care of it."  (Mm point exactly).

I'm not proud of this, but I began to think about various ways in which I could 'poke the bear'.  I wanted to find a way that it would be something seemingly insignificant in the big picture of things.......because I never want to hurt him and never intentionally would.

So the other night I had already decided that I was going to leave the foyer light on upstairs after coming down to the basement.  I've done this before, but not on purpose.  I just forgot.  It had happened enough times, though, that J had told me he might just have to discipline me for it to help me remember.  So I thought this would be a little thingy I could do that shouldn't erupt into any big argument or anything.  You know, just a little case of cause and effect.

While in the kitchen, J opened up some wine for us and told me I could have two glasses, but would need to ask his permission for a third glass (that's a story for another post). 

You've got to be kidding me.

J didn't say anything to that.

I looked at it as an opportunity for some playful mischief.



I went downstairs.  When he followed a few minutes later, he said,

Darling, you left the light on.

I did?  Tsk tsk.

I'm not sure if J heard me, but if he did, he didn't say anything.  I had hoped I would at least get a warning, or, you know, a look.

Nada.  Maybe he didn't hear me?

After my second glass of wine, I thought I'd playfully see where I could go with this (operative word -- playfully).  I took my glass over to where the wine was and said,

So what if I just pour some wine in here and then think about whether I'm gonna dring it or not?

I  poured a few drops before he could answer.  I told myself I could empty it in the sink if I didn't want the spanking.

J had something else in mind.

Weelllll, I told you that if you pour another glass, there would be a discipline spanking.

You did NOT say that!  You said if I drank another glass.

No, I said if you pour  another glass. 

Well, if that's the case and I'm gonna get a spanking anyway, I'm just gonna pour me another glass and drink it!

At this point, my need for J's dominance over me was outweighing any fear I might have of the pain of a spanking. 

It's been quite a while, but I can take it, I told myself.

So when the time came I really didn't feel too anxious.  He told me to lay over his lap on the bed.  I walked around to his side and noticed that his belt was hanging over the headboard.  I'd been telling him lately that I wanted him to try out his belt.  My thinking was that we would try it out for role affirmation.

He spanked and spanked hard.  He told me I had disobeyed him and that he felt disrespected and dishonored.  While this was definitely a spanking I needed, I didn't feel I reached that 'place' that I read women know....the place of emotional release.

Later as we lay in the dark, we talked about it.  He was upset by the whole thing and felt hurt by it.  I was frustrated.  I admitted, albeit in a kinda haughty way, that I had tested him and that I was glad he came through -- that I so needed to feel his dominance.    I told him that it was never intended as a hurtful thing......couldn't he see that?  It seemed to me he was taking it so personally.

I asked him if he was mad at me.

A little.

What would it take for you to get past that?

He then mentioned something intimate I could do for him.

Hmm?  I thought about it for a minute.

I'm trying to understand this.  You're mad at me, and all it would take to make it better is if I do something sexual for you?  How does that work? I'm trying to understand how you men think.

I mean, really, ladies, is it just me?  If I'm mad at my husband, sex isn't going to take my anger away.  Even though I would submit, it doesn't necessarily mean I'd be very into it, you know?

You know what?  That just pretty much killed it for me.

It did?  Why?  I'm just trying to get some understanding here.  I didn't say I wouldn't do it for you.

No, nevermind.

I could tell I wasn't going to fall asleep very easily.

Do you care if I go out into the living room and watch some TV

I want you to stay in here with me.

Even though you've turned over and have your back to me?

Doesn't matter.  It's what I want.

Eventually, I fell asleep.

The next morning I was giving the whole thing a lot of thought.  Why did he have to feel hurt?  That wasn't the way it was supposed to go.  Was I sorry?  This is where it began to get twofold for me.  At first, I selfishly wasn't sorry that I did it, as I thought only of myself and what I had gotten out of it (J's dominance).  I felt bad that he felt hurt, and I wondered if I was really wrong to do what I did.  Should I go looking to get my needs/wants met at my husband's expense?

I felt bad.  I began to see it from J's perspective.  He didn't understand why I would do what I did.  I thought about what he had asked me to do for him and how quickly that went down the tubes.  I needed to apologize, for my sake, as well as his.

I made J a cup of coffee and brought it to him downstairs.  I put it in the microwave a bit to get it extra hot because it would need to cool off while I offered him my apology.

I closed and locked the door behind me.  I put the coffee on the table, told J I was sorry.  He hugged me, and I proceeded to give him that special attention he'd asked me for the night before.

I felt very submissive, and he was very forgiving.

What I've learned from this is that J takes TTWD and our dynamic very seriously.  If I disobey him, no matter how small or seemingly insignificant I think it might be, it hurts him.  Especially if I so blatantly decide to do it in order to get a response.  I guess I see now that that's worse.

TTWD is not a game.  Sometimes I get too caught up in my thoughts and my feelings.  What's worse, I presume what it is I believe J's thoughts and feelings ought to be.  This served as a reminder to me that J has needs, too, and we are here for each other to try to meet those needs to the best of our ability.

News Flash: It isn't all about me.

J is my husband, protector, lover, and best friend, and he needs me, too.

Lesson learned, and I am humbled.


Wednesday, November 27, 2013


As I take pause to take a step back and count my blessings, you, my dear friends in this wonderful community, are among them.  Thank you for making my arrival here so warm and welcome.  May you and your loved ones have a wonderful Thanksgiving!

Tuesday, November 26, 2013

Spanky Dancing

Last week J and I went out to dinner and dancing with a couple we had met in our dance class.  Our eight-week course ended a couple of weeks ago, and we all wanted a chance to refresh our memories on the steps we learned.

The place we went to was a dance studio run by our class instructor.  Not a social hangout for the general public, just other couples who'd taken lessons.  Some were very talented; they'd been taking dance lessons for many years.

The instructor played songs on the CD player.  Some were waltz songs, others fox trot, swing, merengue and cha-cha. 

We were really enjoying ourselves when, all of a sudden, a song came on that I didn't know (It was only after we'd gotten home and I youtubed it that I learned it was a song by Madonna way back in 1990 -- guess I led a sheltered life...LOL).  The dance instructor and his partner were dancing the cha cha to it.

Some girls, they like candy, and others, they like to grind,
I'll settle for the back of your hand somewhere on my behind.
Treat me like I'm a bad girl, even when I'm being good to you,
I don't want you to thank me, you can just spank me. Mmm.

Some guys like to sweet talk, and others, they like to tease,
Tie my hands behind my back and, ooo, I'm in ecstasy.
Don't slobber me with kisses, I can get that from my sisters,
Before I get too cranky, you better...


Like hanky panky [hanky panky],
Nothing like a good spanky [good spanky].
Don't take out your handkerchiefs,
I don't wanna cry, I just wanna hanky panky.
Like hanky panky [hanky panky],
Nothing like a good spanky [good spanky].
Don't take out your handkerchiefs,
I don't wanna cry, I just wanna hanky panky guy.


Please don't call a doctor, 'cause there's nothing wrong with me,
I just like things a little rough and you better not disagree.
'Cause I don't like a big softie, [no], I like someone mean and bossy,
Let me speak to you frankly, you better...


Oooo, yeah.


What about? Yeah. That's an interesting...
My bottom hurts just thinking about it.

[She wants you to] Treat me like I'm a bad girl,
[She needs you to] Even when I'm being good to you.
I don't want you to thank me [Don't thank her], you better...


[Hanky panky] Oooh, yeah
[Good spanky] Get the picture?
[Don't wanna cry, I just wanna]

That's the way I came into this world,
The doctor said, "Lady, she's a beautiful girl."
He gave me a spanky and the doctor smiled,
So give it up, honey, 'cause I want it.
[Hanky panky, good spanky, don't wanna cry, I just wanna]
I looked at J to see if he was catching the lyrics.  I went over to him, trying to hide my giggling from everyone else.  Suddenly it felt like we might be found out.  Isn't that crazy? 
I looked over at our friends (who we don't know well at all; this was our first time out socially together) to see what, if any reaction they had to it.  It was hard to tell.  They weren't dancing, but they were smiling and laughing together -- maybe about something else entirely, I don't know.  But it got me to they?
I tried to get J to do the cha cha with me to the song, but he said his back was hurting a bit.



Sunday, November 24, 2013

The Role of Grandparents

Never let it be said that J and I allowed our grandchildren to be spoiled.

We take our responsibility very seriously.

Friday, November 22, 2013

Save Me From Myself

Yesterday started out nicely.  Had my hair cut and colored, got myself a cup of my favorite coffee, picked up a turkey and some other items, and came home.

 After lunch, J and I decided to go out for a while.  The plan was to first get some pictures printed at our local pharmacy, and then head to an antique mall that we like to meander through every now and then.
While J was picking up the photos, I was looking at Christmas stuff on the shelves.  So many decorations.  50% off tags were everywhere.  I spotted a package of three adorable snowmen who lit up in three colors.  I was hesitant to ask J about them, because we'd already had more than one discussion on how we need to stick to our budget (we've had a lot of expenses this past year, and J is contemplating going into business for himself).  No unnecessary purchases, at least for the foreseeable future.   

Yep.  I understood.

Unnecessary purchases.

How do you define unnecessary?  Considering all the holiday decorations we have in storage, which includes a plentiful collection of snowmen, did I really NEED to have more?  Well, maybe not.   But these guys lit up!  And they were only $10.  And they would make me so happy! 

So, as J came to find me, I showed them to him. 

Look, Honey -- aren't these adorable?  They light up!


These would be so cute on the shelf.

Let me think about it.

Now, I knew this meant I was not going to get an answer while in the store.  I knew it was a stalling tactic, that his real answer was 'no.'  I practically said as much in a sarcastic not-so-nice way.  He ignored it.

Ignored it.

My demeanor and gait took a noticeable turn, and he asked me if anything was wrong.

He didn't know?  How could he not know?

So I told him.  Made my little case.  Then he did something else that ended up making me feel even worse:
If I let you get these, you understand that that will be it, right?  Nothing else?

My emotions were in conflict.  When I showed him the snowmen, it was not in attempt to test him.  I really wanted those little guys!  But I must admit, I did feel somewhat guilty asking.  But then I felt like they would bring me so much joy and really, is $10 that big a deal? 

To be fair, J has ok'd some other items that I've asked him about that weren't in the budget.  For example, when October rolled around, that same store had a sale on scarecrows with bendable legs.  Perfect for our bench in front of the house.  They were on sale, too.  I knew he wanted to make me happy, and I thanked him sincerely.

Anyway, here's a peek into the thoughts running around in my mind that afternoon:

How can he act like he doesn't know what I'm upset about?  And to ignore my snippy comment!  I know I walked around rather sullenly and pouty, but then he relents and says I can get them if I don't ask for anything else?  Great.  Now I'm in control.  Why is he doing this?  Please, J, save me from myself.

So I told him this:

Well, no.  I don't think you should do that.  I mean, if you don't want me to buy it, you should stick to your decision.  Just because I don't like what you said doesn't mean you should change your position.  Now I'm feeling uncertain. Not as secure.  I'd rather deal with the disappointment of you telling me 'No' because we really need to stick to our budget and that's your answer than to feel what I'm feeling now, which is like I won.

J understood and apologized.  He said I was right.  He said that with all the strain and stress we've been enduring lately, he'd allowed himself to sink back into some old patterns.  He said he knew he wasn't being as dominant as he'd been and knew that he needed to be.

I looked at him and said,

Yes, please.  'Cause if you don't, my dominance is going to come back, and we don't want that.

He agreed.  Said we definitely didn't want that.

We went to the mall.

My feelings were still mixed.  I appreciated his honesty and understanding, but I felt deflated.  We walked around for a couple of hours, but my heart wasn't in it the way it usually is, but I did do my best to be pleasant.

After we got home and took our jackets off, J took me by the arm and led me to our bedroom.

What are you doing?

Well, I've got to do something here to get my dominance back.  He closed the shades, sat down on our ottoman, and told me to take my pants down and lay over his knee.  (Can somebody say tingle?)
He proceeded to rain down some pretty hefty swats.  Ouch!

I'd like to add that this spanking was the first spontaneous, unannounced spanking (other than playful or sexual spankings) he's given me since we started doing TTWD.

Such a bunch of mixed emotions, rolling all around.  I don't like rollercoasters.

But I was glad to be of service  :)

Thursday, November 21, 2013

Did I Just Say the 'M' Word?

Last night, in the quiet of our basement, just as I was getting ready to log on to the computer, and J was watching TV.......

Darling, why don't you go upstairs and give C (our youngest child) her medicine so she can go to bed?

OHHH.....I was hoping YOU would do that.........I just got all comfy down here....made this cup of tea and everything......

It's an exercise.

(Hmmm.....I asked the man to come up with submission exercises, but this isn't necessarily what I had in mind.....especially when I was just getting ready to settle down at the computer all nice and cozy in my robe with my cup of tea.....)

No it's not....c' can't do that!

Yes I can.  Now get going.

Anything else?

Yes.  You can say, "Yes, Master".

What?  You're kidding, right?

No, I'm not.

Well, what if I give her the medicine, but don't say "Yes, Master"?

You need to do both.

Let me get this straight.  If I don't say "Yes, Master", there will be a discipline spanking? 

(What J didn't know was that I was secretly hoping that he would say "yes".  My mind was saying "Don't let me off the hook!")

(Ponder, ponder, think think. I know I just wrote a post on needing a hard spanking, but suddenly the idea of one was not what I wanted at the time, because it would HURT, know what I mean?)

Okay, I'll say it.

Yes, Master.

Thank you, my dear.

Three guesses who bounded happily up the stairs.........

Wednesday, November 20, 2013

Just Have To Say......

My heartfelt gratitude to you all for making me feel so welcome and accepted.  It means more than you know!   ((Hugs))

Tuesday, November 19, 2013

UH - 0H

Okay.  I don't know what happened.  Just earlier today, I saw that Willie was following my blog (yay, Willie, thank you!).  Somebody graciously had pointed out that I needed to enable the feature.  So I did.  Or at least I thought so.  I mean, Willie's photo was there on my blog page and everything.  Now it's not there.  But when I go to the dashboard, it still says I have one follower.

Did I mess something up?

Another question I have is about comments.  In my previous blogs, I had to choose whether to approve new commenters or not.  That's not the case this time, it appears.  It's strange, because just last night I logged in to blogger, checked to see if I had any comments, and it said I didn't.  The dashboard said the same thing.  But then today in my email inbox, I had notifications about comments on my blog that were dated Sunday and Monday.  Does this make sense to anybody?  Do you know how I can choose to moderate comments?  I mean, I love each and every comment I've received thus far, but you never know if a spam or nasty/rude comment may just sneak its way in.

Well, in the meantime, I'll keep trying to figure it out.  I've got to get my Willie back!

Monday, November 18, 2013

Reflections on Dominance

I've been doing a lot of thinking about what dominance means to me.  J is not bossy by nature and is always very respectful.  At the same time, he definitely has that 'take the lead' characteristic that I have both come to love and, at times, had mixed emotions about.  I'm a strong-willed woman (guess you could say I'm 'high spirited'  That being said, there have been many times when I have struggled with being submissive as I tried my best to adjust to our new roles.

I've been known to be both soft and hard (never at the same time, though!).  I was a lot harder (and more often) when we first married three years ago.  This is my second marriage and J's first.  I'd been married over 20 years to my first husband, and during that marriage I'd learned to develop some pretty tough coping skills and defense mechanisms (my ex-husband was emotionally and verbally abusive).  I was a force to be reckoned with in my own right!  I definitely held my own.......until I couldn't.  Until I realized I needed to leave.

Anyway, I've discovered (or maybe I should say rediscovered my softer self) these past few years.  At times she seemed to be in conflict with the hard side -- sometimes it was a downright battle.  Soft me didn't feel like the real me when I was mad or upset about something.  That's when hard me took over.  Our arguments were long, oftentimes carried out over days, with remnants and fragments going further into weeks.  I didn't see that as a problem -- I thought we were just doing what we needed to do to figure it out and find resolve.  J saw things differently.  He said I was always so intense and at the ready to fight.  He didn't understand how it didn't seem to exhaust me (because it definitely exhausted him) how I kept going at it.

I didn't see it at first, but over time I began to understand that my visceral reactions and subsequent behavior were not healthy, and that in fact, they were detrimental to our relationship and marriage.  I was looking on the internet trying to find ways to be a better wife.  Somehow I came upon the Taken in Hand site.  What I read both intrigued and repulsed me.  I kept going back to read more.  Eventually I began to get it and brought the idea of domestic discipline to J (with much trepidation, I should add!).

Here we are in our 3rd year of TTWD, and I'm so glad to say things are much better.  I'm currently on a soft roll, which has been going on for a couple of weeks without incident.  I've been trying to find ways to show my submission better (making him coffee every morning without his asking is one example).  I've asked him to tell me what he expects of me -- I kind of do that on a semi-regular basis because it reminds and reassures me of his dominance.  Like I said, J is always very respectful and it is not his style to boss me around.  He'll ask me to do something and expect it to be done.  Sometimes I just want him to boss me around a little, ya know?

I don't have many rules......obedience is one, which, of course, makes sense in this dynamic.  Disrespect won't be tolerated.  So we've been going along really nicely lately, which is all well and good, except I'm finding myself needing to feel his dominance more.  I haven't been snippy or snarky lately, nor have I done anything to warrant a discipline spanking.  Good, right?  Well, sometimes when I've been snippy, snarky, or even what I felt was downright disrespectful, J has addressed it verbally, but not physically.  It's his call, of course, but what is it about us women who just want to know that our men will deal with us in the manner that WE think we need, even if the thought of getting a hard punishment spanking scares the wits out of us?  I guess what I'm trying to say is that when things move along so well and we're getting along so happily, with me happy to serve him and him being his nice, wonderful self to me.............I don't feel his dominance as much.  Is it because I'm not fighting him on the things he asks me to do?  So I happily (or not so happily, but don't let it show) do them, he thanks me (he often expresses his appreciation for the things I do for him and our family), and on we go.........until I start to feel the need for an expression of his dominance.

A while back J asked me to wear a specific color in my clothing choice.  I liked that!  I told him so, and asked him to do it more often.  He has, even asking me to curl my hair sometimes the way he likes. 

We do maintenance spankings about once a week, but they're often not hard or long enough.  Even though they're not soft or weak swats, I've found them actually comforting.  I've shared this with J, being careful not to 'top from the bottom' or come across in a critical way, but sometimes it has seemed to me that he's just not into giving me the kind of spanking I really need.  That's where I find myself today.  I don't want to do something to purposely earn a discipline spanking, because I truly don't want to disrespect or hurt J.  

There have definitely been discipline spankings in the past that were very hard, definitely distinguishing them from maintenance spankings.  That was when we were arguing more and I was being hard and disrespectful.  Sometimes he spanked me when he was angry, and he felt really badly about it (I was always ok, but I don't like it when he's that mad, either).  He admitted that sometimes he's chosen not to give me a discipline spanking because he didn't want to do it in anger -- he wants to make sure he keeps himself in check.  I get it, and I certainly appreciate that.  But I told him that he could have waited until another time (or day) to administer it -- we've talked about that more than once.  Yet he doesn't do that.  Sigh.

I'm toying with the idea of asking him for a preventive, "this is what you'll get if you act up" type of spanking.  What does that say about me that I want him to beat my butt a bit?  I am not someone who gets pleasure from the pain (the aftereffects of a sore bottom notwithstanding).  In fact, I did bring it up a couple of weeks ago and asked if he thought he would be able to do that for me.  He said he would.  Nothing has happened.  I am frustrated.

I really don't want to act out and make him upset and angry, but I really need to know that he will not let me do it.  What a conundrum, eh?