The Best Laid Plans & How They Back(side)fired

 

Lately my need for J's dominance has given way to  a craving for it.  I find myself needing more and more expressions of his domliness.  We don't argue nearly as much or even in the same way that we used to, so punishment spankings have been pretty infrequent (which, I know, I know, is a good thing.)  Over the last few months I've tried explaining to him what I need, in terms of his being more expressive with me about what he wants.  I've encouraged him to tell me what he likes me to wear, how he'd like me to wear my hair.....things like that.  In the beginning he was doing it at least a few times a week.  I told him how good it makes me feel.  He's told me he understands better what it is I need from him.

He doesn't order me around, which is good, because I really wouldn't like that; instead, he treats me respectfully, the way he expects me to treat him.  He'll ask or point out something he would like me to do, and it is expected I will do it.  When I'm in the soft and submissive place, I'm happy (most of the time!) to do these things for him.  Ebb and flow, ebb and flow.......we roll along.

In this happy little place, there is no need for 'the look' or a stern expression, or warning or anything.  It can go like this for weeks, and then I get off kilter.  Crazy as it sounds, I even begin to long for the threat of a punishment spanking (or even just a firm warning) because of the way it makes me feel when he takes control like that.  And here's the other weird part -- I never want to go through the pain of one, yet what I long for is the soreness that's present the next day or two as the ever-present reminder that J is in control.  It makes me feel oh-so-submissive.

Maintenance, or role affirmation spankings, have been pretty consistent.  The only thing is that it's felt like J's heart isn't really in it.  I've told him that they often feel comforting rather than painful.  We talked about my need for him to take me further, both in intensity and time.  It's been getting better, but I still think we need to go longer.  Sometimes I've playfully told him that I might have to do something to see what he will do, to which he usually says, "I don't think you want to do that, because you know I'll have to take care of it."  (Mm hmm.....my point exactly).

I'm not proud of this, but I began to think about various ways in which I could 'poke the bear'.  I wanted to find a way that it would be something seemingly insignificant in the big picture of things.......because I never want to hurt him and never intentionally would.

So the other night I had already decided that I was going to leave the foyer light on upstairs after coming down to the basement.  I've done this before, but not on purpose.  I just forgot.  It had happened enough times, though, that J had told me he might just have to discipline me for it to help me remember.  So I thought this would be a little thingy I could do that shouldn't erupt into any big argument or anything.  You know, just a little case of cause and effect.

While in the kitchen, J opened up some wine for us and told me I could have two glasses, but would need to ask his permission for a third glass (that's a story for another post). 

You've got to be kidding me.

J didn't say anything to that.

I looked at it as an opportunity for some playful mischief.

 

 

 



 

I went downstairs.  When he followed a few minutes later, he said,

Darling, you left the light on.

I did?  Tsk tsk.

I'm not sure if J heard me, but if he did, he didn't say anything.  I had hoped I would at least get a warning, or, you know, a look.

 

 

 

 

Nada.  Maybe he didn't hear me?


After my second glass of wine, I thought I'd playfully see where I could go with this (operative word -- playfully).  I took my glass over to where the wine was and said,

So what if I just pour some wine in here and then think about whether I'm gonna dring it or not?

 

 

 



 

 

I  poured a few drops before he could answer.  I told myself I could empty it in the sink if I didn't want the spanking.

J had something else in mind.

Weelllll, I told you that if you pour another glass, there would be a discipline spanking.

You did NOT say that!  You said if I drank another glass.

No, I said if you pour  another glass. 

Well, if that's the case and I'm gonna get a spanking anyway, I'm just gonna pour me another glass and drink it!

At this point, my need for J's dominance over me was outweighing any fear I might have of the pain of a spanking. 

 

 

 



 

 

It's been quite a while, but I can take it, I told myself.

So when the time came I really didn't feel too anxious.  He told me to lay over his lap on the bed.  I walked around to his side and noticed that his belt was hanging over the headboard.  I'd been telling him lately that I wanted him to try out his belt.  My thinking was that we would try it out for role affirmation.

He spanked and spanked hard.  He told me I had disobeyed him and that he felt disrespected and dishonored.  While this was definitely a spanking I needed, I didn't feel I reached that 'place' that I read women reach...you know....the place of emotional release.

Later as we lay in the dark, we talked about it.  He was upset by the whole thing and felt hurt by it.  I was frustrated.  I admitted, albeit in a kinda haughty way, that I had tested him and that I was glad he came through -- that I so needed to feel his dominance.    I told him that it was never intended as a hurtful thing......couldn't he see that?  It seemed to me he was taking it so personally.

I asked him if he was mad at me.

A little.

What would it take for you to get past that?

He then mentioned something intimate I could do for him.

Hmm?  I thought about it for a minute.

I'm trying to understand this.  You're mad at me, and all it would take to make it better is if I do something sexual for you?  How does that work? I'm trying to understand how you men think.

I mean, really, ladies, is it just me?  If I'm mad at my husband, sex isn't going to take my anger away.  Even though I would submit, it doesn't necessarily mean I'd be very into it, you know?

You know what?  That just pretty much killed it for me.

It did?  Why?  I'm just trying to get some understanding here.  I didn't say I wouldn't do it for you.

No, nevermind.

I could tell I wasn't going to fall asleep very easily.

Do you care if I go out into the living room and watch some TV

I want you to stay in here with me.

Even though you've turned over and have your back to me?

Doesn't matter.  It's what I want.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Eventually, I fell asleep.

The next morning I was giving the whole thing a lot of thought.  Why did he have to feel hurt?  That wasn't the way it was supposed to go.  Was I sorry?  This is where it began to get twofold for me.  At first, I selfishly wasn't sorry that I did it, as I thought only of myself and what I had gotten out of it (J's dominance).  I felt bad that he felt hurt, and I wondered if I was really wrong to do what I did.  Should I go looking to get my needs/wants met at my husband's expense?

I felt bad.  I began to see it from J's perspective.  He didn't understand why I would do what I did.  I thought about what he had asked me to do for him and how quickly that went down the tubes.  I needed to apologize, for my sake, as well as his.

I made J a cup of coffee and brought it to him downstairs.  I put it in the microwave a bit to get it extra hot because it would need to cool off while I offered him my apology.

I closed and locked the door behind me.  I put the coffee on the table, told J I was sorry.  He hugged me, and I proceeded to give him that special attention he'd asked me for the night before.

I felt very submissive, and he was very forgiving.

What I've learned from this is that J takes TTWD and our dynamic very seriously.  If I disobey him, no matter how small or seemingly insignificant I think it might be, it hurts him.  Especially if I so blatantly decide to do it in order to get a response.  I guess I see now that that's worse.

TTWD is not a game.  Sometimes I get too caught up in my thoughts and my feelings.  What's worse, I presume what it is I believe J's thoughts and feelings ought to be.  This served as a reminder to me that J has needs, too, and we are here for each other to try to meet those needs to the best of our ability.
 

News Flash: It isn't all about me.



J is my husband, protector, lover, and best friend, and he needs me, too.

Lesson learned, and I am humbled.