Friday, November 29, 2013

The Best Laid Plans & How They Back(side)fired

 
Lately my need for J's dominance has given way to  a craving for it.  I find myself needing more and more expressions of his domliness.  We don't argue nearly as much or even in the same way that we used to, so punishment spankings have been pretty infrequent (which, I know, I know, is a good thing.)  Over the last few months I've tried explaining to him what I need, in terms of his being more expressive with me about what he wants.  I've encouraged him to tell me what he likes me to wear, how he'd like me to wear my hair.....things like that.  In the beginning he was doing it at least a few times a week.  I told him how good it makes me feel.  He's told me he understands better what it is I need from him.

He doesn't order me around, which is good, because I really wouldn't like that; instead, he treats me respectfully, the way he expects me to treat him.  He'll ask or point out something he would like me to do, and it is expected I will do it.  When I'm in the soft and submissive place, I'm happy (most of the time!) to do these things for him.  Ebb and flow, ebb and flow.......we roll along.

In this happy little place, there is no need for 'the look' or a stern expression, or warning or anything.  It can go like this for weeks, and then I get off kilter.  Crazy as it sounds, I even begin to long for the threat of a punishment spanking (or even just a firm warning) because of the way it makes me feel when he takes control like that.  And here's the other weird part -- I never want to go through the pain of one, yet what I long for is the soreness that's present the next day or two as the ever-present reminder that J is in control.  It makes me feel oh-so-submissive.

Maintenance, or role affirmation spankings, have been pretty consistent.  The only thing is that it's felt like J's heart isn't really in it.  I've told him that they often feel comforting rather than painful.  We talked about my need for him to take me further, both in intensity and time.  It's been getting better, but I still think we need to go longer.  Sometimes I've playfully told him that I might have to do something to see what he will do, to which he usually says, "I don't think you want to do that, because you know I'll have to take care of it."  (Mm hmm.....my point exactly).

I'm not proud of this, but I began to think about various ways in which I could 'poke the bear'.  I wanted to find a way that it would be something seemingly insignificant in the big picture of things.......because I never want to hurt him and never intentionally would.

So the other night I had already decided that I was going to leave the foyer light on upstairs after coming down to the basement.  I've done this before, but not on purpose.  I just forgot.  It had happened enough times, though, that J had told me he might just have to discipline me for it to help me remember.  So I thought this would be a little thingy I could do that shouldn't erupt into any big argument or anything.  You know, just a little case of cause and effect.

While in the kitchen, J opened up some wine for us and told me I could have two glasses, but would need to ask his permission for a third glass (that's a story for another post). 

You've got to be kidding me.

J didn't say anything to that.

I looked at it as an opportunity for some playful mischief.



 
 
 




 

I went downstairs.  When he followed a few minutes later, he said,

Darling, you left the light on.

I did?  Tsk tsk.

I'm not sure if J heard me, but if he did, he didn't say anything.  I had hoped I would at least get a warning, or, you know, a look.
 
 
 
 



Nada.  Maybe he didn't hear me?


After my second glass of wine, I thought I'd playfully see where I could go with this (operative word -- playfully).  I took my glass over to where the wine was and said,

So what if I just pour some wine in here and then think about whether I'm gonna dring it or not?
 
 
 

 
 
I  poured a few drops before he could answer.  I told myself I could empty it in the sink if I didn't want the spanking.

J had something else in mind.

Weelllll, I told you that if you pour another glass, there would be a discipline spanking.

You did NOT say that!  You said if I drank another glass.

No, I said if you pour  another glass. 

Well, if that's the case and I'm gonna get a spanking anyway, I'm just gonna pour me another glass and drink it!

At this point, my need for J's dominance over me was outweighing any fear I might have of the pain of a spanking. 
 
 
 

 
 
It's been quite a while, but I can take it, I told myself.

So when the time came I really didn't feel too anxious.  He told me to lay over his lap on the bed.  I walked around to his side and noticed that his belt was hanging over the headboard.  I'd been telling him lately that I wanted him to try out his belt.  My thinking was that we would try it out for role affirmation.

He spanked and spanked hard.  He told me I had disobeyed him and that he felt disrespected and dishonored.  While this was definitely a spanking I needed, I didn't feel I reached that 'place' that I read women reach...you know....the place of emotional release.

Later as we lay in the dark, we talked about it.  He was upset by the whole thing and felt hurt by it.  I was frustrated.  I admitted, albeit in a kinda haughty way, that I had tested him and that I was glad he came through -- that I so needed to feel his dominance.    I told him that it was never intended as a hurtful thing......couldn't he see that?  It seemed to me he was taking it so personally.

I asked him if he was mad at me.

A little.

What would it take for you to get past that?

He then mentioned something intimate I could do for him.

Hmm?  I thought about it for a minute.

I'm trying to understand this.  You're mad at me, and all it would take to make it better is if I do something sexual for you?  How does that work? I'm trying to understand how you men think.

I mean, really, ladies, is it just me?  If I'm mad at my husband, sex isn't going to take my anger away.  Even though I would submit, it doesn't necessarily mean I'd be very into it, you know?

You know what?  That just pretty much killed it for me.

It did?  Why?  I'm just trying to get some understanding here.  I didn't say I wouldn't do it for you.

No, nevermind.

I could tell I wasn't going to fall asleep very easily.

Do you care if I go out into the living room and watch some TV

I want you to stay in here with me.

Even though you've turned over and have your back to me?

Doesn't matter.  It's what I want.
 
 
 
 
 
 

Eventually, I fell asleep.

The next morning I was giving the whole thing a lot of thought.  Why did he have to feel hurt?  That wasn't the way it was supposed to go.  Was I sorry?  This is where it began to get twofold for me.  At first, I selfishly wasn't sorry that I did it, as I thought only of myself and what I had gotten out of it (J's dominance).  I felt bad that he felt hurt, and I wondered if I was really wrong to do what I did.  Should I go looking to get my needs/wants met at my husband's expense?

I felt bad.  I began to see it from J's perspective.  He didn't understand why I would do what I did.  I thought about what he had asked me to do for him and how quickly that went down the tubes.  I needed to apologize, for my sake, as well as his.

I made J a cup of coffee and brought it to him downstairs.  I put it in the microwave a bit to get it extra hot because it would need to cool off while I offered him my apology.

I closed and locked the door behind me.  I put the coffee on the table, told J I was sorry.  He hugged me, and I proceeded to give him that special attention he'd asked me for the night before.

I felt very submissive, and he was very forgiving.

What I've learned from this is that J takes TTWD and our dynamic very seriously.  If I disobey him, no matter how small or seemingly insignificant I think it might be, it hurts him.  Especially if I so blatantly decide to do it in order to get a response.  I guess I see now that that's worse.

TTWD is not a game.  Sometimes I get too caught up in my thoughts and my feelings.  What's worse, I presume what it is I believe J's thoughts and feelings ought to be.  This served as a reminder to me that J has needs, too, and we are here for each other to try to meet those needs to the best of our ability.
 

News Flash: It isn't all about me.



J is my husband, protector, lover, and best friend, and he needs me, too.

Lesson learned, and I am humbled.
 
 
 
 

 

18 comments:

  1. These lessons are hard to learn. I've been in your exact shoes.

    It seems very simple, but there is one small thing I try when I'm feeling the way you felt at the beginning of the post. I go to him and say something like "I am feeling that need to push right now. I need to feel you. I don't want to push, but the desire to disobey you is very strong." Simply explaining how I feel really helps. It helps him know where I am mentally. It helps me avoid having to push to get what I need. And when I tell him, he always knows exactly what to do. There have been times he's taken me over his knee and given me a good spanking. There have been times when he's made me kneel, or stand in the corner. There have been times he's taken my hair, pulled my head back and said "You will not disobey me. Be a good girl." But every single time, he puts me back in my submissive place. Just a thought.

    Jason has told me he feels loved when I submit to him. Funny thing is, I had no idea. But I feel loved when he Doms me, so I guess it makes sense. So even though being asked to please him may initially strike me as an odd request, over time I think I've seen it as something that says "show me you love me."

    I'm glad you two were able to have some peace in this. It's sometimes harder than it appears!

    I'm glad I've found your blog. :)

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    1. Hi JGirl,

      I really appreciate your perspective. I'm humbled, yet again, because when I see it in black and white (or in this case, red and white), it all makes sense to me. "Elementary, my dear Watson" came to mind (you being Sherlock Holmes, and I, dear Watson...lol).

      It's also like when Glinda told Dorothy in The Wizard of Oz,
      "Just click your heels together three times, and say "There's no place like home."

      Dorothy couldn't believe how simple it was to get home all along, but she had to realize it for herself.

      The mature thing to do is just as you said,

      "I am feeling that need to push right now. I need to feel you. I don't want to push, but the desire to disobey you is very strong." Simply explaining how I feel really helps. It helps him know where I am mentally. It helps me avoid having to push to get what I need. And when I tell him, he always knows exactly what to do."

      The honesty required in this level of communication should be paramount, no doubt, yet it calls for us to make ourselves even more vulnerable (showing our throats, if you will). I see now that what I've been doing is dancing around the issue.

      "Jason has told me he feels loved when I submit to him. Funny thing is, I had no idea. But I feel loved when he Doms me, so I guess it makes sense. So even though being asked to please him may initially strike me as an odd request, over time I think I've seen it as something that says "show me you love me." '

      I couldn't believe how after reading this, a conversation I'd had with J a couple of months ago came readily to mind. I explained why I needed expressions of his dominance and what they meant to me. I told him that while I know he always loves me and I never question that, when he is actively dominant, I feel that love more.

      I see now that the same is true with my submission. J never doubts my love for him, but when I'm submissive, he feels my love more.

      Thank you for pointing out that the act of intimacy J asked for was another way of asking, "Show me you love me." I can't believe how totally over my head his request went.

      I'm really glad you found my blog, JGirl. You are welcome here anytime :)

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    2. Have either of you read the book "Conquer Me"? In it she discusses feelings of needing to bs conquered and how to handle them. She does exactly what JGirl does -- go to him and tell him, and her man simply does something definitive to demonstrate his dominance like Jason does. These feelings are different from true insubordination, etc. Men understanding this is key, so that their women can ask and get their needs met without all the drama of the need coming out through conflict.

      Beth Elle

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    3. Hi Beth Elle, thanks for stopping by and commenting! I haven't heard of the book, but I plan to check it out on Amazon. I'll make sure to pass this on to JGirl, as well. Thank you :)

      Sadie

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  2. To give the gift of...whatever you want to call it, whether it's dominance, Hohness, or guidance/mentoring/nurturing...is not a small gift. It's easy to want to test the boundaries and put your HoH into a position where he will "come through" for you, but you are so right about it not being a game. Is the moment of gladness (that he did what you wanted) worth the hurt? Not really, and good for you for realizing it.

    I bet you're going to have a lovely day after this realization. :)

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    1. You're so right, Ana. It definitely was not worth the hurt. Funny how when we get in a certain mindset, it can cause us to lose sight of even the most basic things. I never think of TTWD as a game, yet I failed to see that what I was doing was just that.

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  3. J sounds a lot like SM. Sooo very much!!! SM reacts much the same way. He doesn't like to be tested (though I do it from time to time) he often asks for something special as a way to make up (and I don't want to but I do it anyway) and he feels hurt when I test him!

    It's sometimes better to go and tell them how you feel and ask for help. I recently did this.I have asked for a week of help and SM is giving it to me. He tells me what to do and I do it. He also spanks me everyday (that I hadn't planned on) but it IS helping.

    Glad you two made up.

    Hugs,
    sara

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    1. I am definitely learning from experience, or should I say, trial and error. Just knowing that others understand what I'm talking about from their own experience helps a great deal.

      Communication is key, as you pointed out. I've asked J for extra help in the past, but I think I need to be more specific. Thanks, Sara!

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  4. Thanks for the honest posting. When I first read that he was hurt I was surprised, but maybe part of his hurt is that you're putting him in the position of having to discipline you (in a bad way) and he really doesn't want to do that.

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    1. Hi Leah, thank you for stopping by and commenting.

      That may be part of it, but I think the bigger issue is that no matter how "playful" I may think I'm being, when I do what I did, I'm still choosing -- actually 'planning' to disobey him. I can now see where the intention of disobeying him could be more hurtful than something that may occur in the moment.

      Live and learn, eh? TTWD is definitely not for the weak-kneed!

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  5. Hi Sadie for now, :)

    Yeah that can be a hard one- pushing. I tend not to do that, and just tell Rob when I think that I need some attention. Or it all comes out in other ways, such as bad behavior for something anyway. But if you can try to talk to J as much as possible, that is the best avenue.

    I like Jason Girl's idea about telling him that you are feeling the need to push/desire to disobey is strong. Honest open communication, as best that you can- that's the ticket! :)
    Be good! Many hugs,

    <3 Katie

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    1. You're exactly right, Katie, on all counts. I'm so glad to be a part of this community where we can share our lives and hearts, and receive understanding, support, encouragement, and wise counsel.

      Btw, I've bought the ticket and am on my way :)

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  6. Hi Sadie, good to hear things are back on track. Telling J you were testing him will get you a bad result every time. What he hears is you are doubting his ability. If a guy says to another guy I am testing you, those are 'fighting words" and we get angry. However, if you do this, the one he loves and has vowed to protect and take care of above all others, he will feel hurt even though you did not mean it that way.

    The good news is that it shows how much he really loves you, because if he didn't, he would have been angry, not hurt.

    By asking for and receiving an act of intimacy that is designed primarily for the pleasure J, you affirm his dominence. By questioning his request, the act became conditional and invalidated the affirmation of dominance. By apologizing the following morning and then acquiescing, dominance was acknowledged and all was back to normal.

    I think Jason Girl's advice is good. Hope I am not being presumptuous, but I tell you all this because if I were in J's place, that is how I would have felt.

    Blessings and Hugs,
    George

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    1. Oh, George, how right you are, and not at all presumpuous. Who better to tell us ladies how a man feels than a man himself! Your voice is so important here in blogland. Where I wrote,

      "I mean, really, ladies, is it just me?", I should have said, "ladies and gentlemen"!

      Thank you so much for giving me a peek into the mind (and heart) of a man.

      "By asking for and receiving an act of intimacy that is designed primarily for the pleasure J, you affirm his dominence. By questioning his request, the act became conditional and invalidated the affirmation of dominance. By apologizing the following morning and then acquiescing, dominance was acknowledged and all was back to normal."

      This is a real eye opener. I can see now how J would feel this way.

      My heartfelt thanks,

      Sadie






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    2. Sadie, I think you were right to address your question to the "ladies". After all they are the majority of your audience. Willie even referred to me as one of the girls one time! LOL.

      I enjoy hanging out in this community, however, since I am the spankee and also a HoH, I fit somewhere in the netherworld of TTWD. I am however, always happy to share my thoughts!

      Blessings and hugs,
      George

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    3. Well, hey, the netherworld needs representing, too ;) You fit the bill perfectly and fit here in blogland all comfy cozy like the rest of us. Your thoughts and perspective add a wonderful flavor!

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  7. Hi Unknown, we're only a year into ttwd but Luke has expressed to me that at those times I feel like I need to do something to get his attention and I'm needing to feel his dominance, it's harder for him to express it. I think we all get into that pushing the bear mode when we feel like our men aren't expressing their dominance. It's been really hard for me to see that when I do that we both get into the mindset that this is more a game than a lifestyle. It's so hard to keep that feeling of respect (I don't use submission) when I don't feel his dominance but at the same time I know that I'm manipulating the outcome if I'm "bratting" or pushing him outside what he feels is necessary. This is a great post. I'm looking forward to seeing what people have to say. It can be so frustrating when we need/want something and they see it differently. Communication is so much harder than it sounds!! Clara

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    1. Hi Clara, thanks so much for stopping by and commenting. You can call me "Sadie", if you like -- fellow blogger and friend, Willie, suggested the name, (which I've always liked), so I've decided to use it in the interim. Who knows? It may even stick....lol.

      "It's so hard to keep that feeling of respect (I don't use submission) when I don't feel his dominance but at the same time I know that I'm manipulating the outcome if I'm "bratting" or pushing him outside what he feels is necessary."

      So very true, and so very hard to see in the moment. That whole Mars and Venus thing is so frustrating at times, isn't it? Yep, communication is sometimes so much harder than it sounds, but what I'm learning here is,

      "If at first you don't succeed, try, try again"...... and on we go :)

      It's so nice to meet you, Clara.

      Hugs,

      Sadie

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