Thursday, January 30, 2014

A Word From Kane

*I changed the font color from blue to white, as a friend told me it was a bit difficult against the purple background*

Kane asked me to share this (written yesterday) with you all:

Hello everybody,

I am sitting here watching the basketball game while my wonderful wife is upstairs watching T.V. There are some of you that are aware of our story with our younger children, (my step-children) and the last several months have been incredibly stressful for us. One of the things that has gotten us through this period has been our participation in TTWD. It has taken me a period of 3 plus years to really understand what all this is about; a long time but well worth the effort. I am a man who likes to lead from upfront and be in control; I am an alpha male.

I was raised by an old school type of father - he was 53 years old when I was born, a product of the Great Depression. He taught me about respect and boy did I learn my lesson at 12 years old. I told my mother to go get me a drink of milk, he rushed over to me, lifted me off the ground with one of his strong hands wrapped around my shirt and said " that is your mother, not your maid." Needless to say I learned my lesson to always treat my mother and really any woman with respect. My father never hit me or put his hands on me again, lesson learned...

When my wife and I started off in this dynamic I struggled with that fine line of being taught to respect and protect women, especially your wife and having to discipline her when you feel she has crossed the line. I was very confused to say the least; am I not supposed to protect my wife? Now I have to spank someone who is my equal in every way; doesn’t this go against everything I have been taught?  What a struggle, how did I get into this and do I really think I can be a spanko?

Well, suffice it to say loud and proud, I AM A SPANKO! What a crazy world this is, but I digress. My wife is a strong-willed person. She is many things: intelligent, caring, loving, giving and much more. My best friend, (with benefits) the only person in the world I trust 100% and she tells me my magic tricks and woodworking projects are good and she says this with great inflection in her voiceJ The one thing she needs, someone even more strong-willed than her. A man who will respect her, love her and of course lead her. I can finally say that the dynamic is natural, it's part of our everyday lives. It heightens my awareness to what she needs; what we need in our relationship. I take it as an honor that she trusts me enough with this gift; she wouldn’t give the reins over to just any man. My wife needs to know that I won't back down when she is stressed or disrespectful. I will give a maintenance spanking when she is out of sorts and I will issue the discipline spanking if she crosses the line. It has taken me a few years to understand my role in all this. I know I am not a domineering type, but I now get that when I am dominant, my wife feels safer and more secure. I love to protect her, It's an incredible feeling when I know she feels protected, I get so much from her when she is in this place.

Tuesday, January 28, 2014

Working Our Way Back to Each Other

Sometimes, things take time to get worked out.  And not always in the time frame we'd like.

Since the incident I wrote about in my last post, Kane and I tried discussing what happened on two occasions.  Neither went well.  We needed more time.

This morning, while I was at a couple of appointments, he wrote this down.  We don't often communicate this way, but every once in a while, it proves to be a cathartic experience, and this time was no exception.

With Kane's permission, here is what he wrote (it was he who chose the red text):

My Darling,

I have been thinking about this a lot over the last two days, and I am beginning to see that maybe it's me who has the blinders on. I really didn’t have any bad intentions when I made the statement about not talking about the kids exclusively. I just wanted to protect you because I have been concerned about you over the last several days. You have done a tremendous job in talking with all the different professionals where the kids are concerned. I AM very PROUD of you.

Is it my stubbornness coming through this time? More than likely. I am examining how I say things to you. I will not make any excuses. You have clearly told me over time how my tone and inflection make a difference in how express myself to you and the kids. It is something I will really try to change for the future. You have made great strides in the changes you have made in how you express yourself to me and all you are asking me is to do the same. I don’t think that is a lot to ask; this is yet another thing I will change to honor you as you have honored me as a very giving wife.

I love you very much my dear and would do anything to love, honor and protect you.

After reading it, I immediately went to him and we hugged.  I thanked him and told him how his words reached right through to my heart.  I love this man with all my heart and soul and knew that we would eventually work this out, but it was really tough on both of us going through it.

As we dug deeper, we were able to talk about the how's and why's, and what we need from each other, which I'll most likely share in another post, as I hope it will be helpful to others going through something similar.  Who knows?  Maybe I'll be able to talk Kane into posting something.....

Thank you so much for all your support  :)

Sunday, January 26, 2014

When It Doesn't Feel Good

When things are running smoothly, it's easier to take time to consider and appreciate my husband's fine qualities and traits.  I've been making more mental notes recently to try to remember to tell him these positives and to sincerely complement him.  I don't always succeed at this.  Sometimes  Often it's easier to focus on the negatives, on those things they do (or don't do) that upset, annoy, or hurt us.

Then we have those days where we seem to be on opposite pages, or even in different books entirely.  Kane and I run into this from time to time in the area of intent and emotions.

He'll say something, and it can come across in a way that he denies ever intending, and vice versa.  I will often point out that tone and voice inflection are very important and play a huge part in effective communication.  Of course, so does facial expression and body language, and that's where I get into trouble sometimes.

This happened to us yesterday while out together shopping and running errands.

We've both been under a lot of stress lately, due to situations regarding some of our children.  You can read about it here, if you don't know the story.

This past week I felt the effects of the stress we've been under more than usual.  Kane could see it, and expressed his concern on more than one occasion.  Yesterday, as we were talking about various aspects of it, he told me that, if I talked to any of my friends about the topic, he didn't want me to talk exclusively about it.    

I don't do that.  I always ask my friends about themselves and their families and give them plenty of time to talk. 

My dear, don't get defensive.  I see how stressed you've been, how you've  not really been yourself, and I just want to help you.

Do you think I don't know not to talk exclusively about my problems/situations with people?  I don't do that.

Kane was irritated by my response.  I tried to explain how it came across, but he strongly disagreed.  He said I was taking it the wrong way, that I was being too sensitive.  I continued to try to tell him why it came across to me the way I did, but he didn't see it.  We tried to move on. 

 One of the stops we needed to make along the way was the post office to make a photocopy of something we needed to include in a packet we were dropping off at a local business.  Our printer had just run out of ink that morning, so I couldn't make the copy myself.  I had let Kane know about it, as well as the fact that we'd need to have a copy made while we were out.

I thought he heard me.  I believe he made a sound that I interpreted as acknowledgment at the time.  We were in the same room, a few feet apart from each other.

So as we were in the car, and I reminded him that we had to make the copy, he said something that made me readily understand that he hadn't heard me -- or listened to me.  Included in what he said was a sigh, one that I interpreted as frustration, something to the effect that had he known about it before we left home, he could have switched the ink from 'black' to 'color' and done it there.  

Anyone care to take a guess as to how I was feeling at the moment?

I quickly responded that I had told him and thought that he had heard me.  He felt I was being defensive.  He said that I'd been on edge all morning and also during the week.  He said he was not going to walk on eggshells.  Eggshells?  To me, this one had nothing to do with eggshells.  I was annoyed because he clearly had sounded frustrated about not knowing about the ink running out.  He said he was not directing anything at me, just making a statement.

As I was the only other person in the car, I told him that it was logical to assume he was speaking to me.

The whole thing went from bad to worse when he said, rather loudly, that I'd made him feel stupid.

Holy Moly.  Seriously?  I could not understand how he didn't see how he'd come across to me, even if it hadn't been his intention.  I thought that if I explained it, he would be able to see how I could have arrived at the conclusion I did.

Kane had given me a maintenance spanking earlier in the morning, and now he was saying that he should have given me more.

He got out of the car to go into a store.  I stayed behind.

Next we headed for the post office.  Kane went inside to make the copy.  We made two more stops and headed for home....quietly.  I had an appointment to go to as soon as we got home and another one directly after that.

I got home about 6pm.  Kane came in a few minutes after me with our daughter, who he'd just picked up from her after-school program.  He headed directly downstairs, where he remained for quite a while doing some of his woodworking.  That was fine with me, because I just wanted to relax after supper.  I watched a little TV with my daughters, and they went to bed.  I settled in nicely on the couch to watch some more TV.  I did not feel like discussing what had happened any further, and apparently, neither did Kane.  I felt like being by myself.  I was upset, but too tired and drained to want to do anything about it.  I chose the quiet route.

Much later, Kane came upstairs and told me to come to bed.  I was right in the middle of a movie, so he said I could finish it and come to bed after it ended.

We woke up, and the day went on.  I had no interest in talking to Kane, and it was pretty evident.  While he did not bring up what happened yesterday, he did make some unrelated remarks throughout the day and asked my opinion on the projects he was working on.  I answered when spoken to, but that was pretty much it.  The thing is, I don't really feel angry.  I'd say I'm probably feeling more frustrated than anything else......well, that.....and sad.

Earlier tonight my son came over for dinner, and afterward, the three of us played a game.  We had a nice time.  After he went home, I mentioned that I would like to go back on the computer, as I hadn't had much time on it earlier, and Kane ok'd it.

I've been down here for a couple of hours.  He's since gone to bed.  When I finish up here, I'm going to watch some TV on the couch.  I'll go to bed only if Kane comes out to the living room and tells me to.

I don't feel stressed or anxious about the state we're in.  I am not feeling submissive (in case you haven't guessed), and I have no desire to any time soon.

The fact that Kane has chosen not to bring up what happened yesterday is unusual and a little confusing.  I don't doubt we'll talk more about it eventually, but I've no real interest in doing so any time soon.  I am feeling disconnected, but the thought of a reconnection spanking holds no appeal to me right now.  I don't know if it would work.

Am I feeling apathetic?  I'm not sure.  Maybe.

I know I'll have to work through this, and I will.  But right now I'm just so tired.

Thursday, January 23, 2014

He Has A Name!

Many thanks to all who made suggestions, as well as to those who said we should just go with what we want  :)

Turns out, the original name my hubby was kicking around didn't stick.  It was good for a few laughs, but then we hunkered down to the business of giving him a name we both felt suited him.  We had many a laugh as we tried more than a few on for

So without further ado, I hereby announce my husband's name to you here in Blogland.  The man, formerly known as J, shall, from this day forth, be known as............

By the way, he is lovin' his name  :D

Sunday, January 19, 2014

Help Me Name My HOH!

It seems only fitting that now that my blog and I have official names, my husband, J, should have one, too.

He and I have discussed this a bit, and he recently came up with something that we may (or may not) end up going with.

J told me to ask for ideas and suggestions here, so I am being a good, submissive wife  :)

In my last post, I shared J's and my story, so if you haven't already read it, you may want to refer to it to get an idea of who he is (and who we are together)...might be helpful in thinking up an appropriate and fitting name for him.  

I have to admit, I like the name he's come up with....made me laugh...but we are both open to taking suggestions.  I think this could be fun!

Here are just a few glimpses into the kind of man he is.....

I love you with all my heart, my knight in shining armor.  Thank you for slaying my dragons.

Friday, January 17, 2014

Authenticity in Blogland.....How Real Can We Be? Part 3

I've really enjoyed reading the comments I received to the previous two posts on this subject.  I always appreciate all the things I learn from everyone here.

I'd like to tell you a bit about my husband, J, and me, and our life together.  I've just made a cup of tea; won't you pull up a chair and join me?

J and I have been married for almost four years.  This is his first marriage and my second.  He had never been married before and had no children.  I had been previously married for over 20 years and had a bunch of kids (let's just say somewhere between 5 and 10).  I know what you're thinking.....we thought it too.  So did many of J's friends.

She has how many kids?  How long was she married for?  Are you crazy, Man?

Hey, J, Sadie sounds like a great gal, but you really should think this through. That's an awful lot to handle.  In other words, "Run like hell and don't look back!"

Now, let me say here that most of my kids were already grown and out of the house when J and I met.  Only the youngest three were still home.  

To be fair, I sat down with J a few months into our relationship and told him I didn't know what the future held in terms of my youngest children.  The reason for this is they all had very difficult beginnings before coming to live with me and my first husband (they are adopted).  Although they had made great strides since that time, they also had many issues and challenges.  So I wanted to be completely honest with J about what he was getting into.  I wanted him to be fully aware, and if he felt the uncertainty of what we may have to deal with down the road was too great, I completely understood.  Essentially, I was trying politely to show him the door. For his own good.

J didn't take my good intentions the way I'd hoped.  He thought I was inferring that he didn't have what it took to help me with these kids, that he was somehow lacking.  He thought I might go out and look for someone else who did.  (We now laugh every time we remember that night -- that here I was trying to save him, and his male ego was hurt!).

You don't understand, J.  I'm telling you this because you are one in a million.  You're a wonderful man, and there could really be a tough road ahead where these children are concerned, and it wouldn't be fair or honest of me not to let you know that.  It's begun to dawn on me that perhaps I should not be in any long-term committed relationship, and certainly not a marriage, if that would ever come my way, because what I'm facing here is a huge unknown.  All the adopted children have special needs.

J was not daunted.  Not one bit.  He told me he was here and not going anywhere.  He said he believed these kids were worth fighting for and wanted to help me.

It wasn't very long after that that we declared our love for each other.  We were married a year later.

The kids were very excited about the whole thing (they started asking us if we were getting married after we first told them we were dating).  I felt so blessed to have this wonderful new my all our lives.

I wish I could say that by giving our children a loving, stable home, they have grown leaps and bounds and are not struggling nearly as much as they were in the beginning.  This is true of our youngest child, but not the older three.

Over the years, our second, third, and fourth youngest children have been diagnosed with multiple mental health disorders.  Three of them are not living at home right now due to unsafe behaviors.  Their futures are uncertain.  We have many challenging and difficult decisions ahead to make regarding their treatment, and we've had to fight the broken mental health system every step of the way this past year in order to get them the proper help they need.

In the midst of this, J and I are doing our best to carry on.  To tell you that it has been difficult to maintain consistency in TTWD is a vast understatement.  Yet we need it.  More now than ever.  It helps keep us grounded and centered.  It keeps us closely connected to each other.

There is so much we do not have control over where our children are concerned, but it brings us both comfort and a measure of peace to know that J has control of me and our relationship.  I feel so safe with him at the helm.  He feels good knowing he is doing everything he can to cherish, guide, and protect me.

Yes, TTWD is a stabilizing force in our relationship -- in our marriage.

We've both made many changes since first starting this journey three years ago, and we have many more to make.  Life is ever evolving, and change is inevitable.  I want to be my best self for this wonderful man I love.  TTWD, although not by any stretch of the imagination an easy road, helps me to be my best self.  The same is true for J.

Thank you for letting me share my story with you.  It's so good to know there are many fellow sojourners here to lend support and encouragement.

I'm really glad to be here :)

Wednesday, January 15, 2014

The Blog With No Name Is Nameless No More

I have had a fondness for the name, Sadie, ever since first hearing Barbra Streisand sing, "Sadie, Sadie, Married Lady" in Funny Girl ages ago. So when Willie suggested the name to me so I could sign off with something other than 'Unnamed' (the name I gave myself for the short term when starting this blog), even if it turned out to be just temporary until I'd chosen a name for myself, I thought it was a good idea.

I still think it's a good idea, as you have already guessed.  I feel as close to being a 'Sadie' as I can, without it being my real name, if that makes any sense.  LOL  Anyway, it seems to suit me.

I hope you enjoyed Babs' singing!

Monday, January 13, 2014

A Spanking and Grooming......Two For The Price Of One

Nothing too deep or profound to share today, just something that was a bit of a new experience and left such a nice impression on me.  This morning I received an affirmation/maintenance spanking.   J warmed me up with his hand, and then pulled out the hairbrush -- something he's used only a couple of times before.  In fact, I'd kind of forgotten about it and thought he did, too.  I was secretly glad that he'd thought of it.

I know this photo is tiny, but I don't know how to make it bigger.

While over his knee, he told me he would like me to answer his questions with "You, Sir".

Who protects you?

You, Sir.

Who loves you?

You, Sir.

Who is in charge?

You, Sir.

Who makes the final decisions?

You, Sir.

I thought about how I felt when I called J "Sir".  I wanted it to come from my heart, and it did.  I recalled how, not too long ago, when I'd brought up the subject, (about a year or two ago), of how some women call their HOH's "Sir" at certain times, J had said he didn't think it was all that important to him.  I wasn't sure how I felt about it.  I wondered if I could ever do so seriously, and mean it.  I admit I wanted him to require it of me at times.  He's done this only one or two other times, and I wasn't sure if he was serious about it.  It felt a little odd, but I wasn't opposed to it.

J doesn't always ask me to address him this way.  What I'm discovering is that when he does, he is serious.  He likes it when I call him "Sir".  He likes the respect.  He deserves the respect -- my respect.

After J was finished spanking me, and while I was still over his knee, he began brushing my hair.  He commented on the dual purpose of the hairbrush, which made me smile.  It felt so soothing and comforting as he brushed my hair.

My, how he's changed.  My, how we've both changed  :)

Embracing Change

Well, I didn't expect it would happen so quickly, but I've got a name for my blog, and it should appear sometime this week.  I'm not changing my URL, so I think all you'll need to do is change the name in your blogroll, if you have me there.  I sure hope it's a smooth transition!

Just wanted to give you the heads up.

Oh, and I've got a name, too.  I'm sticking with Sadie -- just seems to fit  :)  I've already changed it in my settings.

Saturday, January 11, 2014

Authenticity in Blogland.....How Real Can We Be? Part 2

The Flip Side

I think it's important to address another aspect of being authentic in Blogland.  As with real life, any time we share our authentic selves with others, we open ourselves up to possible criticism.  We understand that this is the risk we take.  This criticism can result from being misunderstood or judged.  Sometimes we are criticized by folks who are jealous.  It can come from a variety of reasons, but come, it does, at one time or another.

So far, I've been fortunate and have not received any negative comments here.  Of course, I only just started two months ago, so I realize the possibility is out there.  And, as I shared in my last post, and from the comments I received, the more genuine and transparent we choose to be, the greater the risk of being criticized.

I'll be the first to admit that I'm not all that good when it comes to criticism.  Let's face it, it doesn't feel good.  It hurts.  Yet, I've been encouraged and inspired by what I read here by others who have dealt with this. What I've come away with is that the benefits from being authentic here far outweigh the risks.

I'd love to know what you all think.  Have you experienced criticism, and, if so, how have you handled it?

The next post on this topic will be the last, and the one in which I share a bit of what J and I have been dealing with here at home.  I will be as authentic as possible while exercising discretion and discernment so as not to compromise our family's identity, for obvious reasons.  A tricky thing sometimes, and definitely a delicate balance to strike.

Monday, January 6, 2014

Authenticity in Blogland.....How Real Can We Be? Part 1

Funny thing how timing works sometimes.  I've had this post on my mind for at least a month, and now that I'm ready to post it, it is right on the heels of something that is going on in my life that I've struggled with how to share here.

Before I do that, though, I'd like to delve a bit into what it means to be authentic.  Being authentic means being our 'real' selves, which includes our values, opinions, and convictions, the essence of who we are.  In real life, depending on the nature of the relationships we have, people know our names, history, experiences, beliefs, etc.  It goes without saying that the closer we are to someone and to the degree with which we are willing to share personal information with them, the more they will know about us and vice versa.  We make the choice of what to share with whom based on a variety of factors.

Here in Blogland, it's different, naturally, by virtue of the anonymity we have chosen to adopt, given the personal and sensitive nature of TTWD.  People can have a hard enough time being authentic in real life, let alone on the blogs.  Here we are anonymous, so we might think it's safe to say anything because no one knows who we really are.  Yet we are real people in real life relationships and marriages, and the essence of who we are comes through if we are being honest with ourselves and others.  So even though you have no idea who my husband J is, for instance, it is important to me that I portray him accurately and that you know how much I love and respect him.  

We need to exercise good judgment, use discretion, and carefully guard our identities, yet still find a way to adequately express our thoughts, feelings, and experiences.  A delicate balance and challenge, at that.  Some bloggers may share more details than others about certain experiences, and that's fine.  Others may choose to leave personal details out while still being able to convey the gist of the situation and, most importantly, the lesson(s) learned.  It's up to each of us to decide how much information we wish to divulge.  

Many of us have found it hard to share the mistakes we and/or our HOH's have made.  At times I've felt hindered by the fact that you don't know me...that you only know a part of me here.  You can't hear the inflection/tone in my voice, see the expression on my face, or see the way I am with my family and I've worried that in the absence of that, wrong assumptions or judgments could be made.    We feel badly when we mess up, do things we shouldn't do, disobey or disrespect our husbands, and worse......hurt them.  It's uncomfortable for us to talk about, but if we don't, how will we learn and grow?

If we share only the good and not the bad and the ugly, we rob ourselves of the opportunity to let others support, encourage, and help us.  We also rob others of the opportunity to be of help to us. It's much easier to be on the giving end than the receiving end, isn't it?  It requires humility and vulnerability, which often takes us out of our comfort zone.  

I can't tell you how blessed I've been when I've come across some posts where the bloggers have been brave enough to take the risk of sharing their struggles and the outpouring of understanding, support, and encouragement they receive.  It makes me less afraid to venture out of my comfort zone when I need to share my own struggles.

If we're willing to take the risk of being real about our situations, thoughts, and emotions, we, too, can know the blessing of being accepted, understood, and encouraged.  We'll learn that we're not alone.  We'll learn how helpful it is to hear others' perspectives.

And we'll realize that we are all works in progress, every one of us.

Wednesday, January 1, 2014

For Clara

This post is for my friend, Clara, per her request, and I can't think of a better way to start the New Year  :)

Another great thought provoking post, Sadie.  (May I suggest lighthearted fluffy bunnies for the next one, lol?)

Happy New Year,


Oh, before I go, J wanted me to show you the other Christmas gift he made for me..........

and the flip side

I got my first spanking (good girl) of the New Year with it this morning.  As he was spanking me, J declared 2014 the Year of Submission.

And back to reality it is........

Hope this post put a lighthearted smile on your face and in your heart, Clara!