Sunday, April 27, 2014

The Morning After

Sorry if the post title is misleading.  From the sound of it, you might have thought this would be a good, juicy read.  Alas, this is not about the aftermath of a good, hard spanking.  Rather, it's about how I feel today, after having gone to bed at 3 am (Kane let me sleep in until 10:30).  I woke up feeling well rested, and when my thoughts became coherent, I remembered the post I wrote last night.  I wondered if it was too down, too heavy....maybe I shouldn't have hit 'publish'.  I considered whether I should take it down.

After (finally) getting out of bed and greeting my youngest child, I slowly became aware that I was feeling better, even lighter.  I can't attribute it to a spanking, because no spanking of any kind took place last night, let alone a hard one.  For one thing, Kane was fast asleep, snoring away.  For another thing, I did NOT want to experience the kind of pain I wrote about at that ungodly hour.  I told you I'm a

I find my days are like this lately.  With the conclusion that Kane and I have arrived at looming in the not-so-far distance, my emotions have run the gamut of the spectrum.  Sometimes when I can't sleep, Kane will allow me to fall asleep on the couch to the TV.  It's a helpful distraction.  That was the case a few nights ago when I couldn't turn my thoughts off, as I worried about the kids.  Kane and I had been talking things through for at least an hour by that point, and then when I tried settle enough for sleep, it wouldn't happen.

This morning I feel an 'odd' sense of peace.  I welcome it, believe me.  I don't fool myself that I won't find myself at the opposite end of the spectrum many times again going forward, but I am hanging onto the belief that eventually, this peace will grow and last.  That is what the peace that surpasses all understanding is.

The events of the past year have been, what some people have told us, unimaginable, and enough to send most people over the edge.  My doctor put me on medication last fall.  I thank God for my wonderful husband, who is also struggling right alongside me.  He's been my rock, yet of course, he has also experienced each and every emotion I have.  We reach out to each other for comfort.  The other day he surprised me with a DVD of one of my favorite comediennes, Carol Burnett.  We watched it that night and had ourselves some good laughs, mixed in with a nice feeling of nostalgia.

I've decided I'm going to enjoy this peaceful, lighter feeling I have today.  Thank you all for your reassurance that I'm not being a Debby Downer.  I do not write here for sympathy, and I'm so glad you know that.

I'd like to end this post on a lighter and brighter note, so I dug around for a few pics that might express just that. 

Kane's been into woodworking lately and has been making some really awesome stuff, and although it would require something other than woodworking to achieve this, I'm thinking of asking him to try his hand at inventing something like this.  Who knows?  He's completely self-taught on the woodworking thing.  Anything's possible, right?  At the very least, a girl can dream......

While he's at it, maybe he can make me one of these, too.

This is me far more often than I'd care to admit.  I don't know if Kane can do anything about this.  *Sigh*

OK, how many of you are old enough to remember what TV show this is from?

I chose it because I think it humorously captures the spirit we'd like to aspire to, at least every once in a

And, on the flip side, back to reality once again!  On these days, I just keep telling myself, "This too shall pass".

Have a great Sunday, everybody  :D

A Walking Dichotomy

For those of you who have read a few of my whiny posts about spankings and know what a wimp I am, one look at my new header and you'll know why I chose the title of this post.

I dunno, I feel as if I'm teetering on the, not of a breakdown (at least not, but kinda dancing on the line between not wanting painful spankings and well.....finding myself wanting some painful spankings.  Not for the pain, mind you.  I hate pain.  No, I need what it will bring me.

Maybe I find myself here because of all that's going on in my life right now.  The situation is nearing a conclusion, and I liken it to running away from the flames that seek to devour you and moving forward, even though the journey will press and squeeze you on every side.  You can't stand still.  Not yet.  You have no choice but to go forward, knowing you will encounter much sorrow and pain as you do, yet hanging onto your faith that God will see you through.

Resolution?  I don't know if I can call it that.  Extremely tough decisions to make.  Decisions that, while you sadly understand and accept that it is the only choice you have, still cause you deep sorrow.  Holding onto the hope that one day, good will come from all of this.

I guess it's not so hard to understand after all, the wanting some hard spankings, that is.  I'd rather feel that pain than what I'm feeling now and will only get worse before it gets better.

Keep calm and spank me hard, Kane.  Help me get my mind on something else, if only for a while.

Thursday, April 24, 2014


Added 4/25/14:

I forgot to mention that I did finally reply to the comments on my last post!

For those that commented on my last post, I feel I owe you an apology.  I hate not replying to comments.  I always want to let those who take the time to do so know that I really appreciate what they have to say.  Thank you all for your words of encouragement and for making me feel a little less foolish and definitely not alone!  The other thing is, I sometimes worry that I'm going to come across as too .... well..... you know..........

Life, as they say, has been, well...........what do you say that doesn't sound like a cliche?  Oh-so-busy, overwhelming, hectic, blah blah blah.  But really, it has.  Some days it's about managing to keep my head above water.  I haven't had time to leave comments on other blogs, which also bothers me.  I have been reading when I can, and sending out good thoughts and prayers.  I haven't been on my computer as much lately.

I've been working on learning some new relaxation techniques.  I'm not too good at relaxing.  

Some of the things I find relaxing are............

I know that taking a nice hot bath is supposed to be relaxing, and I've tried that, many times.  After I fill the tub with the water as hot as I can take it, and get my bubbles going, I step in, ever so carefully.  Sit down veeerrryyy slowly.  Ahhhhh............  Sometimes I even light a candle.  And I've been known to bring a little drinkie poo in with me from time to time....  That definitely helps me stay in the tub

Sounds heavenly, doesn't it?  My problem is, after about 10 - 15 minutes, I start sweating.  It's too hot in there!  So I get out.  A friend recently told me to make myself stay in the tub....add some cold water to make it just right, and do my best to enjoy it.  I want  to enjoy it, believe me, but my mind is so full that I can't seem to quell them, even temporarily.  Sigh.  I have tried adding the cold water, and I am making myself stay in longer.

I've been trying to practice some mindfulness.  I would love to be just simply in the moment sometimes, you know?  Easier said than done, but then again, I'm not one who's easily daunted by challenge.  Sigh again.

I love this community and am so glad to be a part of it.  I worry sometimes that when I can't reply to comments as quickly as I'd like or leave comments on posts I've read that you'll think me inconsiderate, for one, and uncaring, for two.  I care a whole lot.  About so many of you.  You've helped me grow in more ways than one, and for that I am grateful.

I'm really hoping that Kane and I will have a healthy resolution to our situation with two of our kiddos soon.  To keep going the way we've been going is too taxing and wearing for all of us.  We haven't really been ourselves for quite a while.........a little over a year now.  But I know we will get there, with the help of God, family, and good friends.  I count many of you as dear friends, too.

Sunday, April 13, 2014

Just What IS This Thing We Do, Exactly?

I feel I should preface this post by saying that I don't know if, by the time I'm done writing it, it will turn out to be something that makes sense and is thought provoking or just a bunch of thoughts and questions swirling around in my head that I'm processing.  Maybe I'm rambling in order to help myself figure some things out.  In any event, if it ends up being the latter, I apologize.  Feel free to pass this one by.

Being three years into this, I really do understand that TTWD is different for each couple.  In many, if not most, cases it is linked with domestic discipline.  It does not have to be, however, as I've come to understand.  Some couples do it without the discipline/punishment aspect, and it works just fine for them.  Others incorporate it into a master/slave dynamic.  Some may simply use it for stress relief and/or erotic play.  To each his own, and whatever floats your boat, as they say.  It's all good, as long as it's something that both parties are in agreement with and consent to.

While I'm aware that boot camp for domestic discipline exists to help those couples who want more information and guidelines to follow in order to help them grow in this dynamic, I also know that it's not necessarily for everyone, and that, of course, is fine.  That's the beauty of TTWD, I guess, we get to customize and tailor it to meet and fulfill our own needs and desires.

 For myself, I sometimes get confused about whether my thoughts and expectations are fair and reasonable.  We all know that we should not play the comparison game, yet I'm sure if we were to be honest about it, we'd admit that we do, at least on occasion.  I have.  Do any of these thoughts ring a bell?  Mind you, I said 'thoughts'.  These are not things I say to my husband.  At least I know enough not to do that!

So and So's husband is so consistent and dominant.  He always knows what to do.  If my husband were like that, I would be so soft and submissive.  I'm sure I would absolutely melt.

I'm not sure if we're doing this right.  My husband asserted his dominance, and instead of feeling all soft and submissive inside, I'm MAD!  I thought I was supposed to melt.  I just want to argue my point, and right now, it doesn't seem any amount of spanking will change my mind, even if it does manage to shut my mouth.  I thought this was supposed to work in creating harmony.  What is wrong with me?  Or is the problem with him, or somewhere in between?

He seems to be showing me grace here.  What does this mean?  Is he shirking his responsibility, or, as I've read on other bloggers' blogs, is he making a conscious choice to give me what he believes I really need at this moment, the loving, tender side of his strength?

Thursday night was maintenance.  We're doing it twice weekly, as we've both seen the need.  Kane hadn't used the hand made 'black hand' paddle in a long while, and I asked him to include it.  (That thing hurts like a son of a gun, but I somehow had a hankering for a little bit of it....go figure).

We came downstairs and I quickly realized there was something that needed doing upstairs (just something I needed to get and bring downstairs).  Kane said to go ahead and get it.  Here's where it  I got weird.  I didn't feel like going upstairs.  I hoped he would.  I whined a little about it.  I asked him if he could get it.  He told me to get it.  I whined some more.  He may have said something about the maintenance turning into a discipline spanking if I didn't get it.  Instead of feeling all tingly inside at this demonstration of dominance, I was feeling bothered.  I was also feeling conflicted, because part of me knew I wasn't right to be acting this way, and if he had decided to go get it himself, I would have been upset with him (and myself).  So what did I do?  I headed upstairs, still voicing my objection to having to do it.  I wasn't feeling in a submissive mindset, can you tell?

When I came downstairs, Kane was annoyed by what I had done and told me the spanking was fast turning into a punishment, and, at the very least, had earned me more swats, in both frequency and intensity.  Knowing he had the black hand paddle, I became upset at the thought.  I stood there trying to explain what, even to me, sounded not quite right, at least in terms of what I knew my role to be in this dynamic.  I said that now I was afraid of that paddle if he was going to apply some stronger force.  He told me I should have thought of that when I decided to whine and complain about what he told me to do.  I argued that I did do what he told me to do.  He focused on my demeanor and attitude.

What seemed confusing to me at the time was that Kane was not forcing me over his lap.  Now, I understand, from reading many blogs, that a lot of HOH's do not do that, because it is the understanding and consent of both parties that the wife will submit herself to a spanking she feels she either doesn't want or deserve because that is her role.  Some couples do it differently, and I've read where sometimes the HOH will pull his wife over his lap in the moment and swat away.

Kane and I have done it both ways.  There have been times when I've said or done something so egregious to him that there was no way I was going to get out of a spanking....not even delay it.  So right then and there, in a flash, I've been over his knee, receiving my punishment.  Sometimes I've asked him to wait for at least 15 minutes, if he was really angry.  He has done this.

Anyway, back to Thursday night.  Kane was allowing me to continue talking about it, although he did express how angry it was making him.  I eventually lay myself over his lap, and he started.  I asked if he would start with his hand, and he did.  I guess because I hadn't experienced that paddle in a long time, 3 or 4 swats into it, and I couldn't tolerate the pain.  He didn't stop (something he and I had had many discussions know, where he needs to continue past my comfort zone and end when he feels he should end).  I took myself off his lap, saying I couldn't take that thing anymore.  He didn't force me back over his lap.  He told me that he was using only 25% of full force.  I said that it was like he was asking me to put my finger in a flame.  How could I willingly put myself into an intolerable situation?  I argued that he didn't know what it felt like.  He then applied it to his leg - 4 or 5 times with what he said was the same amount of force he was using on my bottom.  I wondered why I had been able to take more of that paddle months ago, even enjoying the after effects of a sore bottom and some 'nice' marks.  I wondered why he was allowing me to keep talking instead of forcing me over his lap.  I was confused.  I was upset with myself.  He rightly pointed out that my behavior was juvenile (earlier when whining about having to go upstairs) and immature.  I asked if that meant that he thought I always had to do what he asked/told me to with a willing heart.  He said he knew and understood there would be times when I wouldn't want to do certain things, but that I am not allowed to complain about doing them.  He said that is disrespectful.  I really couldn't argue with that, nor with what he said about my immature behavior.  He was right.

What had gotten into me?

I finally submitted to the rest of the spanking, and he really didn't go too hard on me.  I was relieved and a bit disappointed at the same time.  The hour was late, and Kane told me he wanted me to go to sleep.  He said that he was going to stay up a while to wind down.  I asked him if he was mad at me, and he calmly said that he was.  I understood.

The next morning, I genuinely apologized for my behavior.  I told Kane I felt I deserved a harder discipline.....the one that he had intended to administer before I went all whackadoodle on him.  He told me he would take care of it that night, and he did.  It was ok.  I deserved it.  Probably more.

Earlier in the day we went out to lunch and a movie, in celebration of our anniversary the day before.  Yep.  The day before was our anniversary.  I am so not proud of myself.

What was I thinking?

Here's what I'm coming to realize.  I have no right to make unreasonable expectations of how I think my husband should act in every situation.  He is human, just like me.  I make a ton of mistakes, yet somehow, I unfairly hold him to some higher standard.  He must always deal with me in such-and-such a manner.  Geesh, even I know that my responses aren't even consistent when he is being consistent in exhibiting his dominance.

I'm seeing that I'm even wearing myself out at times.  Even I don't want to hear myself!  Hmmm....sounds like I, perhaps still have some unresolved issues of control.

God, how does this man do it?  Why do I do this sometimes?

I can't even blame it on PMS or hormones.  I'm post menopausal.  Yes, folks, I am 55 years old and still trying to figure myself out.

Well, that's it.  That's the end of my rambling.  For now.  I've plum tuckered myself out.

Have a great day, y'all.  Sorry for the rant.

Saturday, April 5, 2014