Just What IS This Thing We Do, Exactly?

I feel I should preface this post by saying that I don't know if, by the time I'm done writing it, it will turn out to be something that makes sense and is thought provoking or just a bunch of thoughts and questions swirling around in my head that I'm processing.  Maybe I'm rambling in order to help myself figure some things out.  In any event, if it ends up being the latter, I apologize.  Feel free to pass this one by.

Being three years into this, I really do understand that TTWD is different for each couple.  In many, if not most, cases it is linked with domestic discipline.  It does not have to be, however, as I've come to understand.  Some couples do it without the discipline/punishment aspect, and it works just fine for them.  Others incorporate it into a master/slave dynamic.  Some may simply use it for stress relief and/or erotic play.  To each his own, and whatever floats your boat, as they say.  It's all good, as long as it's something that both parties are in agreement with and consent to.

While I'm aware that boot camp for domestic discipline exists to help those couples who want more information and guidelines to follow in order to help them grow in this dynamic, I also know that it's not necessarily for everyone, and that, of course, is fine.  That's the beauty of TTWD, I guess, we get to customize and tailor it to meet and fulfill our own needs and desires.

 For myself, I sometimes get confused about whether my thoughts and expectations are fair and reasonable.  We all know that we should not play the comparison game, yet I'm sure if we were to be honest about it, we'd admit that we do, at least on occasion.  I have.  Do any of these thoughts ring a bell?  Mind you, I said 'thoughts'.  These are not things I say to my husband.  At least I know enough not to do that!

So and So's husband is so consistent and dominant.  He always knows what to do.  If my husband were like that, I would be so soft and submissive.  I'm sure I would absolutely melt.

I'm not sure if we're doing this right.  My husband asserted his dominance, and instead of feeling all soft and submissive inside, I'm MAD!  I thought I was supposed to melt.  I just want to argue my point, and right now, it doesn't seem any amount of spanking will change my mind, even if it does manage to shut my mouth.  I thought this was supposed to work in creating harmony.  What is wrong with me?  Or is the problem with him, or somewhere in between?

He seems to be showing me grace here.  What does this mean?  Is he shirking his responsibility, or, as I've read on other bloggers' blogs, is he making a conscious choice to give me what he believes I really need at this moment, the loving, tender side of his strength?

Thursday night was maintenance.  We're doing it twice weekly, as we've both seen the need.  Kane hadn't used the hand made 'black hand' paddle in a long while, and I asked him to include it.  (That thing hurts like a son of a gun, but I somehow had a hankering for a little bit of it....go figure).

We came downstairs and I quickly realized there was something that needed doing upstairs (just something I needed to get and bring downstairs).  Kane said to go ahead and get it.  Here's where it  I got weird.  I didn't feel like going upstairs.  I hoped he would.  I whined a little about it.  I asked him if he could get it.  He told me to get it.  I whined some more.  He may have said something about the maintenance turning into a discipline spanking if I didn't get it.  Instead of feeling all tingly inside at this demonstration of dominance, I was feeling bothered.  I was also feeling conflicted, because part of me knew I wasn't right to be acting this way, and if he had decided to go get it himself, I would have been upset with him (and myself).  So what did I do?  I headed upstairs, still voicing my objection to having to do it.  I wasn't feeling in a submissive mindset, can you tell?

When I came downstairs, Kane was annoyed by what I had done and told me the spanking was fast turning into a punishment, and, at the very least, had earned me more swats, in both frequency and intensity.  Knowing he had the black hand paddle, I became upset at the thought.  I stood there trying to explain what, even to me, sounded not quite right, at least in terms of what I knew my role to be in this dynamic.  I said that now I was afraid of that paddle if he was going to apply some stronger force.  He told me I should have thought of that when I decided to whine and complain about what he told me to do.  I argued that I did do what he told me to do.  He focused on my demeanor and attitude.

What seemed confusing to me at the time was that Kane was not forcing me over his lap.  Now, I understand, from reading many blogs, that a lot of HOH's do not do that, because it is the understanding and consent of both parties that the wife will submit herself to a spanking she feels she either doesn't want or deserve because that is her role.  Some couples do it differently, and I've read where sometimes the HOH will pull his wife over his lap in the moment and swat away.

Kane and I have done it both ways.  There have been times when I've said or done something so egregious to him that there was no way I was going to get out of a spanking....not even delay it.  So right then and there, in a flash, I've been over his knee, receiving my punishment.  Sometimes I've asked him to wait for at least 15 minutes, if he was really angry.  He has done this.

Anyway, back to Thursday night.  Kane was allowing me to continue talking about it, although he did express how angry it was making him.  I eventually lay myself over his lap, and he started.  I asked if he would start with his hand, and he did.  I guess because I hadn't experienced that paddle in a long time, 3 or 4 swats into it, and I couldn't tolerate the pain.  He didn't stop (something he and I had had many discussions about......you know, where he needs to continue past my comfort zone and end when he feels he should end).  I took myself off his lap, saying I couldn't take that thing anymore.  He didn't force me back over his lap.  He told me that he was using only 25% of full force.  I said that it was like he was asking me to put my finger in a flame.  How could I willingly put myself into an intolerable situation?  I argued that he didn't know what it felt like.  He then applied it to his leg - 4 or 5 times with what he said was the same amount of force he was using on my bottom.  I wondered why I had been able to take more of that paddle months ago, even enjoying the after effects of a sore bottom and some 'nice' marks.  I wondered why he was allowing me to keep talking instead of forcing me over his lap.  I was confused.  I was upset with myself.  He rightly pointed out that my behavior was juvenile (earlier when whining about having to go upstairs) and immature.  I asked if that meant that he thought I always had to do what he asked/told me to with a willing heart.  He said he knew and understood there would be times when I wouldn't want to do certain things, but that I am not allowed to complain about doing them.  He said that is disrespectful.  I really couldn't argue with that, nor with what he said about my immature behavior.  He was right.

What had gotten into me?

I finally submitted to the rest of the spanking, and he really didn't go too hard on me.  I was relieved and a bit disappointed at the same time.  The hour was late, and Kane told me he wanted me to go to sleep.  He said that he was going to stay up a while to wind down.  I asked him if he was mad at me, and he calmly said that he was.  I understood.

The next morning, I genuinely apologized for my behavior.  I told Kane I felt I deserved a harder discipline.....the one that he had intended to administer before I went all whackadoodle on him.  He told me he would take care of it that night, and he did.  It was ok.  I deserved it.  Probably more.

Earlier in the day we went out to lunch and a movie, in celebration of our anniversary the day before.  Yep.  The day before was our anniversary.  I am so not proud of myself.

What was I thinking?

Here's what I'm coming to realize.  I have no right to make unreasonable expectations of how I think my husband should act in every situation.  He is human, just like me.  I make a ton of mistakes, yet somehow, I unfairly hold him to some higher standard.  He must always deal with me in such-and-such a manner.  Geesh, even I know that my responses aren't even consistent when he is being consistent in exhibiting his dominance.

I'm seeing that I'm even wearing myself out at times.  Even I don't want to hear myself!  Hmmm....sounds like I, perhaps still have some unresolved issues of control.

God, how does this man do it?  Why do I do this sometimes?

I can't even blame it on PMS or hormones.  I'm post menopausal.  Yes, folks, I am 55 years old and still trying to figure myself out.

Well, that's it.  That's the end of my rambling.  For now.  I've plum tuckered myself out.

Have a great day, y'all.  Sorry for the rant.