Sunday, April 13, 2014

Just What IS This Thing We Do, Exactly?






I feel I should preface this post by saying that I don't know if, by the time I'm done writing it, it will turn out to be something that makes sense and is thought provoking or just a bunch of thoughts and questions swirling around in my head that I'm processing.  Maybe I'm rambling in order to help myself figure some things out.  In any event, if it ends up being the latter, I apologize.  Feel free to pass this one by.

Being three years into this, I really do understand that TTWD is different for each couple.  In many, if not most, cases it is linked with domestic discipline.  It does not have to be, however, as I've come to understand.  Some couples do it without the discipline/punishment aspect, and it works just fine for them.  Others incorporate it into a master/slave dynamic.  Some may simply use it for stress relief and/or erotic play.  To each his own, and whatever floats your boat, as they say.  It's all good, as long as it's something that both parties are in agreement with and consent to.

While I'm aware that boot camp for domestic discipline exists to help those couples who want more information and guidelines to follow in order to help them grow in this dynamic, I also know that it's not necessarily for everyone, and that, of course, is fine.  That's the beauty of TTWD, I guess, we get to customize and tailor it to meet and fulfill our own needs and desires.

 For myself, I sometimes get confused about whether my thoughts and expectations are fair and reasonable.  We all know that we should not play the comparison game, yet I'm sure if we were to be honest about it, we'd admit that we do, at least on occasion.  I have.  Do any of these thoughts ring a bell?  Mind you, I said 'thoughts'.  These are not things I say to my husband.  At least I know enough not to do that!

So and So's husband is so consistent and dominant.  He always knows what to do.  If my husband were like that, I would be so soft and submissive.  I'm sure I would absolutely melt.

I'm not sure if we're doing this right.  My husband asserted his dominance, and instead of feeling all soft and submissive inside, I'm MAD!  I thought I was supposed to melt.  I just want to argue my point, and right now, it doesn't seem any amount of spanking will change my mind, even if it does manage to shut my mouth.  I thought this was supposed to work in creating harmony.  What is wrong with me?  Or is the problem with him, or somewhere in between?

He seems to be showing me grace here.  What does this mean?  Is he shirking his responsibility, or, as I've read on other bloggers' blogs, is he making a conscious choice to give me what he believes I really need at this moment, the loving, tender side of his strength?

Thursday night was maintenance.  We're doing it twice weekly, as we've both seen the need.  Kane hadn't used the hand made 'black hand' paddle in a long while, and I asked him to include it.  (That thing hurts like a son of a gun, but I somehow had a hankering for a little bit of it....go figure).

We came downstairs and I quickly realized there was something that needed doing upstairs (just something I needed to get and bring downstairs).  Kane said to go ahead and get it.  Here's where it  I got weird.  I didn't feel like going upstairs.  I hoped he would.  I whined a little about it.  I asked him if he could get it.  He told me to get it.  I whined some more.  He may have said something about the maintenance turning into a discipline spanking if I didn't get it.  Instead of feeling all tingly inside at this demonstration of dominance, I was feeling bothered.  I was also feeling conflicted, because part of me knew I wasn't right to be acting this way, and if he had decided to go get it himself, I would have been upset with him (and myself).  So what did I do?  I headed upstairs, still voicing my objection to having to do it.  I wasn't feeling in a submissive mindset, can you tell?





























When I came downstairs, Kane was annoyed by what I had done and told me the spanking was fast turning into a punishment, and, at the very least, had earned me more swats, in both frequency and intensity.  Knowing he had the black hand paddle, I became upset at the thought.  I stood there trying to explain what, even to me, sounded not quite right, at least in terms of what I knew my role to be in this dynamic.  I said that now I was afraid of that paddle if he was going to apply some stronger force.  He told me I should have thought of that when I decided to whine and complain about what he told me to do.  I argued that I did do what he told me to do.  He focused on my demeanor and attitude.

What seemed confusing to me at the time was that Kane was not forcing me over his lap.  Now, I understand, from reading many blogs, that a lot of HOH's do not do that, because it is the understanding and consent of both parties that the wife will submit herself to a spanking she feels she either doesn't want or deserve because that is her role.  Some couples do it differently, and I've read where sometimes the HOH will pull his wife over his lap in the moment and swat away.

Kane and I have done it both ways.  There have been times when I've said or done something so egregious to him that there was no way I was going to get out of a spanking....not even delay it.  So right then and there, in a flash, I've been over his knee, receiving my punishment.  Sometimes I've asked him to wait for at least 15 minutes, if he was really angry.  He has done this.

Anyway, back to Thursday night.  Kane was allowing me to continue talking about it, although he did express how angry it was making him.  I eventually lay myself over his lap, and he started.  I asked if he would start with his hand, and he did.  I guess because I hadn't experienced that paddle in a long time, 3 or 4 swats into it, and I couldn't tolerate the pain.  He didn't stop (something he and I had had many discussions about......you know, where he needs to continue past my comfort zone and end when he feels he should end).  I took myself off his lap, saying I couldn't take that thing anymore.  He didn't force me back over his lap.  He told me that he was using only 25% of full force.  I said that it was like he was asking me to put my finger in a flame.  How could I willingly put myself into an intolerable situation?  I argued that he didn't know what it felt like.  He then applied it to his leg - 4 or 5 times with what he said was the same amount of force he was using on my bottom.  I wondered why I had been able to take more of that paddle months ago, even enjoying the after effects of a sore bottom and some 'nice' marks.  I wondered why he was allowing me to keep talking instead of forcing me over his lap.  I was confused.  I was upset with myself.  He rightly pointed out that my behavior was juvenile (earlier when whining about having to go upstairs) and immature.  I asked if that meant that he thought I always had to do what he asked/told me to with a willing heart.  He said he knew and understood there would be times when I wouldn't want to do certain things, but that I am not allowed to complain about doing them.  He said that is disrespectful.  I really couldn't argue with that, nor with what he said about my immature behavior.  He was right.

What had gotten into me?

I finally submitted to the rest of the spanking, and he really didn't go too hard on me.  I was relieved and a bit disappointed at the same time.  The hour was late, and Kane told me he wanted me to go to sleep.  He said that he was going to stay up a while to wind down.  I asked him if he was mad at me, and he calmly said that he was.  I understood.

The next morning, I genuinely apologized for my behavior.  I told Kane I felt I deserved a harder discipline.....the one that he had intended to administer before I went all whackadoodle on him.  He told me he would take care of it that night, and he did.  It was ok.  I deserved it.  Probably more.

Earlier in the day we went out to lunch and a movie, in celebration of our anniversary the day before.  Yep.  The day before was our anniversary.  I am so not proud of myself.

What was I thinking?

Here's what I'm coming to realize.  I have no right to make unreasonable expectations of how I think my husband should act in every situation.  He is human, just like me.  I make a ton of mistakes, yet somehow, I unfairly hold him to some higher standard.  He must always deal with me in such-and-such a manner.  Geesh, even I know that my responses aren't even consistent when he is being consistent in exhibiting his dominance.

I'm seeing that I'm even wearing myself out at times.  Even I don't want to hear myself!  Hmmm....sounds like I, perhaps still have some unresolved issues of control.

God, how does this man do it?  Why do I do this sometimes?

I can't even blame it on PMS or hormones.  I'm post menopausal.  Yes, folks, I am 55 years old and still trying to figure myself out.

Well, that's it.  That's the end of my rambling.  For now.  I've plum tuckered myself out.










Have a great day, y'all.  Sorry for the rant.



16 comments:

  1. Sadie, congrats to your anniversary, and even if your Thursday punishment was so not awesome, you should maybe just see it as something that has happened because we are not always able to cope with difficult situations the way we would like to. If anybody told you that they took every punishment without protest, I’d assume that’s exaggerated at best, and you wrote it down, you are human. I think that you were so adorable, because you went to Kane the next morning to ask for a second round. :) That’s awesome and I think it also shows that you take your husband’s and your own part in your relationship very seriously, which is lovely. And may lead to a heated bottom at times. :)

    Nina

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    1. Ah, Nina, thank you for the words of encouragement. They help make me feel less foolish :-P

      Hugs,
      Sadie

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  2. Sadie
    Well done on having a go at trying yo explain the mixed up thoughts and emotions that run through (some of) us women's heads. You did it so well, it makes no sense looking back on it but I know that at each particular moment it was the most perfect sense and reasonable thoughts. I know because it's me too.
    I think your husband was calm and understanding, I'm sure mine would once upon a time have grabbed and started to thwack away but now would probably have thrown the implement down and walked away himself, making me even more distressed and further second guessing myself.
    No words of wisdom, just understanding.

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    1. Hi Needy T, and thank you for commenting! It is I who thank you :)

      Hugs,
      Sadie

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  4. I understand. The fact that men and women are imperfect makes it all the easier to accept all of this. That is so much more real then expecting an HOH to have all the answers.
    You have so much going on and it is imperative that you are in control so it must be hard for you to transition. Maybe something to consider...not like I am any expert!

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    1. Don't sell yourself short, Minelle; you are one wise lady who, I know, speaks from experience. Thank you for your understanding. I think you're right about remembering that none of us is perfect and that that is more real than expecting my (only human) hubby to have all the answers.

      Thanks for pointing that out.

      Hugs,
      Sadie

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  5. Ya know, stress and life takes its toll sometimes Sadie. I can only speak for myself, but when our lives are stressful, one of the ways I take back control is to "manage" my expectations--not only about how MM should handle me, but in so many different ways. My whole day can be filled with unmet expectations and it's not till I take a step back that I realize that it is an issue of control. If MM is away...oh boy, I can turn into a monster. We are women and we are trying to cope. The men are pretty amazing with what they put up with at times and they do need to learn how to perhaps rip our bandaid off without causing too much trauma but mostly I think your realization is good. It'll help you this week if you see yourself doing the same thing. LOL...if I knew how to stop it or fix it, I really would share but honesty in the middle of the confusion is a good start and you are clearly already there. Hang on. :)

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    1. Thank you, my dear Susie. Yeah, I guess I like to manage my expectations, too, sometimes (hmm, maybe even more often than not....).

      Thanks for offering to help keep me in line. Feel free to hit me with a wet noodle when I need it :-P

      Hugs,
      Sadie

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  6. I'll just reiterate what we talked about. I find when my mind and heart are confused during, before or after a 'botched' r/a, I need to stop and think about the hours preceding the event. Did he disappointment me somehow ? Did I have a stressful situation? Was I tired? Was he absent ? Hurt my feelings? How were WE? Why was that ( the answers to my internal questions).

    Emotions are a tricky thing. I wish they didn't have so much of a hold on our lives as women, but unfortunately if we are a bit 'off' it is like our emotions grow faster than SeaMonkeys !

    As I asked you, but I'll state it here to see what anyone else thinks, " do you think you might have subconsciously acted that way because a punishment spanking is delivered with more conviction and received differently in our hearts ? As opposed to r/a? That your inner voice told you you needed more...IE asking for the black hand?" And of course this doesn't explain why you couldn't handle the pain, other than the fact that sometimes the head, heart and bum aren't always in sync.

    Like Janey said, just know you aren't alone in mixed up emotions/reactions. I think it was great that you asked for a redo. I have had to before and should probably more often! LOL ( hush Susie)
    love
    willie

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    1. Ah, Willie, yes -- our talk did me good, as usual. You made me think about some things, which helped me see things differently. Thank you.

      So, "yes" to both of your questions. YOU GOT ME...lol.

      Hugs,
      Sadie

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  7. Your blog was perfect. I doubt there's a woman in DD or in D/s as I am that couldn't relate. Well written and happy anniversary. Jackie

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    1. Hi Jackie! Thank you for reading my blog and commenting. I most certainly would not have called my blog "perfect" by any stretch of the imagination, but your words made me feel less foolish.

      Please feel free to stop by any time!

      Hugs,
      Sadie

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  8. I can relate to a lot of this. Those mixed up thoughts and emotions are such a pain to deal with! Use this blog as a place to vent, and explain, and write.. it helps. :)

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  9. Oh and happy anniversary!!! :)

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    1. Hi Kenzie! Thanks for reading and commenting.

      Yeah, those mixed up thoughts and emotions are so overwhelming at times, aren't they? Thanks for the reminder about the blog being a place to vent, explain, and write; I needed that.

      I don't know if I wrote this anywhere, but Kane and I ended up having a wonderful anniversary :-D

      Hugs,
      Sadie

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