Monday, November 18, 2013

Reflections on Dominance


I've been doing a lot of thinking about what dominance means to me.  J is not bossy by nature and is always very respectful.  At the same time, he definitely has that 'take the lead' characteristic that I have both come to love and, at times, had mixed emotions about.  I'm a strong-willed woman (guess you could say I'm 'high spirited'....lol).  That being said, there have been many times when I have struggled with being submissive as I tried my best to adjust to our new roles.

I've been known to be both soft and hard (never at the same time, though!).  I was a lot harder (and more often) when we first married three years ago.  This is my second marriage and J's first.  I'd been married over 20 years to my first husband, and during that marriage I'd learned to develop some pretty tough coping skills and defense mechanisms (my ex-husband was emotionally and verbally abusive).  I was a force to be reckoned with in my own right!  I definitely held my own.......until I couldn't.  Until I realized I needed to leave.

Anyway, I've discovered (or maybe I should say rediscovered my softer self) these past few years.  At times she seemed to be in conflict with the hard side -- sometimes it was a downright battle.  Soft me didn't feel like the real me when I was mad or upset about something.  That's when hard me took over.  Our arguments were long, oftentimes carried out over days, with remnants and fragments going further into weeks.  I didn't see that as a problem -- I thought we were just doing what we needed to do to figure it out and find resolve.  J saw things differently.  He said I was always so intense and at the ready to fight.  He didn't understand how it didn't seem to exhaust me (because it definitely exhausted him) how I kept going at it.

I didn't see it at first, but over time I began to understand that my visceral reactions and subsequent behavior were not healthy, and that in fact, they were detrimental to our relationship and marriage.  I was looking on the internet trying to find ways to be a better wife.  Somehow I came upon the Taken in Hand site.  What I read both intrigued and repulsed me.  I kept going back to read more.  Eventually I began to get it and brought the idea of domestic discipline to J (with much trepidation, I should add!).

Here we are in our 3rd year of TTWD, and I'm so glad to say things are much better.  I'm currently on a soft roll, which has been going on for a couple of weeks without incident.  I've been trying to find ways to show my submission better (making him coffee every morning without his asking is one example).  I've asked him to tell me what he expects of me -- I kind of do that on a semi-regular basis because it reminds and reassures me of his dominance.  Like I said, J is always very respectful and it is not his style to boss me around.  He'll ask me to do something and expect it to be done.  Sometimes I just want him to boss me around a little, ya know?

I don't have many rules......obedience is one, which, of course, makes sense in this dynamic.  Disrespect won't be tolerated.  So we've been going along really nicely lately, which is all well and good, except I'm finding myself needing to feel his dominance more.  I haven't been snippy or snarky lately, nor have I done anything to warrant a discipline spanking.  Good, right?  Well, sometimes when I've been snippy, snarky, or even what I felt was downright disrespectful, J has addressed it verbally, but not physically.  It's his call, of course, but what is it about us women who just want to know that our men will deal with us in the manner that WE think we need, even if the thought of getting a hard punishment spanking scares the wits out of us?  I guess what I'm trying to say is that when things move along so well and we're getting along so happily, with me happy to serve him and him being his nice, wonderful self to me.............I don't feel his dominance as much.  Is it because I'm not fighting him on the things he asks me to do?  So I happily (or not so happily, but don't let it show) do them, he thanks me (he often expresses his appreciation for the things I do for him and our family), and on we go.........until I start to feel the need for an expression of his dominance.

A while back J asked me to wear a specific color in my clothing choice.  I liked that!  I told him so, and asked him to do it more often.  He has, even asking me to curl my hair sometimes the way he likes. 

We do maintenance spankings about once a week, but they're often not hard or long enough.  Even though they're not soft or weak swats, I've found them actually comforting.  I've shared this with J, being careful not to 'top from the bottom' or come across in a critical way, but sometimes it has seemed to me that he's just not into giving me the kind of spanking I really need.  That's where I find myself today.  I don't want to do something to purposely earn a discipline spanking, because I truly don't want to disrespect or hurt J.  

There have definitely been discipline spankings in the past that were very hard, definitely distinguishing them from maintenance spankings.  That was when we were arguing more and I was being hard and disrespectful.  Sometimes he spanked me when he was angry, and he felt really badly about it (I was always ok, but I don't like it when he's that mad, either).  He admitted that sometimes he's chosen not to give me a discipline spanking because he didn't want to do it in anger -- he wants to make sure he keeps himself in check.  I get it, and I certainly appreciate that.  But I told him that he could have waited until another time (or day) to administer it -- we've talked about that more than once.  Yet he doesn't do that.  Sigh.

I'm toying with the idea of asking him for a preventive, "this is what you'll get if you act up" type of spanking.  What does that say about me that I want him to beat my butt a bit?  I am not someone who gets pleasure from the pain (the aftereffects of a sore bottom notwithstanding).  In fact, I did bring it up a couple of weeks ago and asked if he thought he would be able to do that for me.  He said he would.  Nothing has happened.  I am frustrated.

I really don't want to act out and make him upset and angry, but I really need to know that he will not let me do it.  What a conundrum, eh?
 

29 comments:

  1. Oh, ( insert name) many, many of us know that feeling. In fact I was just talking to Barney the other day about how he appears to coast along when things are good...essentially leaving the submission entirely up to me, ( yes, yes out there we KNOW it is up to us- but often we feel like a flag flapping in the wind when we don't feel their dominance don't we?). I explained how r/a spankings with nothing in between causes mini walls to start to form, and then it is more difficult to 'bring me back'. Now we have discussed this numerous times in the past. Meh
    As for the hardness of a spanking, we now have a second step after r/a spankings, Barney asks me the next day about them. Where my head is at . How I 'found' them. I have been saying his line all over blog land lately but..."IF it doesn't work, what is the point? ". Not to shove my blog down your throat but I did write a post once about mini spankings or r/a and no release. Like bringing men to the brink of the big O and then walking away. It actually can have the opposite effect on women. They come out of it less settled than going in.

    I know you asked for it on my blog, but I'm not sure you went back ...my email is Wilma.barney@gmail.com . My advice is to be honest. Tell show him this post. Or wait until the women comment and agree/understand and comment and THEN show him this post. Like I said before, explaining is not controlling, or topping from the bottom. You expressions like, " I feel...." or " would it be possible" then perhaps he won't feel attacked or directed.
    Good luck!
    willie

    Oh and PS. My 'default setting' is the same as yours when I get upset. I am ready to engage in some verbal warfare to some degree....or DISTANCING...oh man that is my 'specialty' . The good news for me or us anyway is that is happening less and less, but that came through many difficult conversations after difficult 'arugments'

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    1. Oh, Willie, you're absolutely right. 'Coasting along' is a good way to put it

      "I explained how r/a spankings with nothing in between causes mini walls to start to form, and then it is more difficult to 'bring me back'. Now we have discussed this numerous times in the past. Meh"

      Have you and Barney found anything to help remedy this?

      Your advice is right on, and yes, I try to use the "I feel" and "Would it be possible?" or "Do you think you could" -- to which he most always says "yes". I can't tell you how many conversations we've had where he's told me he was going to start giving me some 'just because' and 'stress relief' spankings -- unannounced -- and to this day, he hasn't. Meh.

      I fear that if this continues, I'll become resentful. I explained to him that I'm really enjoying being submissive to him.....I'm enjoying finding ways to please him.....but that when he doesn't hold up his end, it feels unfair. He said he understands.

      I have to admit -- I'm considering being a bit naughty. I know, I know.....I shouldn't do that.

      One thing he doesn't like me to do is leave lights on when I'm not in the room. That most happens with our foyer light. The switch is at the top of the stairs leading to the basement, and another one is at the bottom. I sometimes forget to turn it off when coming down to the basement (that is where our computer is, so I can be down here for quite a while). When he's mentioned it, I've asked him if he'll have to spank me, and he says "I'm going to have to".

      Well, can you guess what I'm thinking of doing? Yep. Leave the light on tonight...and again tomorrow if he doesn't do anything....however long I need to go.

      I know I've got a chiding coming, so come on -- it's ok -- lemme have it...LOL...

      J and I did talk very honestly about this yesterday. I told him how frustrated I feel, especially after previous conversations about how important it all is (and him agreeing), yet nothing changed. I even told him that it seems at times that he's just really not into it (a spanking). Now, to be fair, the situation we are in with our children is quite uncommon....definitely over and above the normal stuff/issues that go along with raising kids. I'm working on a way I can blog about it, because I think it would be really helpful for others to have some understanding of how it's been affecting us.

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  2. It's really difficult to ask for what we need but our men won't know unless we ask them (Willie points that out a lot.)

    You could leave him a note, lay out a belt, whisper it in his ear, show him this post (again Willie said that...)

    Acting up isn't the best way but I do that sometimes... mostly in fun though. I hate to make my husband SM angry with me. He knows I like to be spanked though and he spanks a lot.

    (hugs)
    sara

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    1. Lay out a belt? Gulp......

      Funny, though, because I've actually asked him to try a belt -- he even put one in with our other implements -- and he's never tried it out during a spanking.

      I tease J, too, sometimes.....in an effort to get my point across in a lighthearted way. So I joke about how I might have to act out to get his attention. He just laughs or says something HOHy, but that's it.

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  3. Oh, Tara, I know how your feel. (Is it ok if I call you Tara?)

    I just wrote a post similar to this not too long ago. I had/have the same feelings as you. When I haven't needed or received a punishment, I don't feel his dominance.

    I think that if maintenance isn't giving you what you need, you need more maintenance or r/a - like Willie said. (you gotta be careful with Willie - she's a smart one!)

    As with me, the key is to talk to him. Showing him this blog could help more than you realize. Though that it a little scary too.

    I do not think it's a good idea to provoke him, to induce a punishment. I really think communication is the key. (mutters Darn it!)

    Keep us posted. :)

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    1. Sure, Sarah, you can call me Tara -- I'll answer to most anything (nice, that is...lol).

      I'd like to read that post you're talking about. Can you tell me the title and date you wrote it?

      Yeah, I'm thinking I may need to show him this blog. But not until after I've tried leaving the foyer light on. Don't want to give myself away....:-P

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  4. hiya, U,

    we have a phrase that i'm supposed to say if i'm feeling frisky, and he has 48 hours to comply. like last night in fact, and i said it on friday. so it's working. i'm happy about that.

    good luck!
    m.

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    1. So you have a phrase you use when you're feeling the need for a spanking? Care to elaborate?

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  5. Welcome to blogland! I think wanting to know what a serious spanking is like as a preventative makes perfect sense.

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    1. Thank you Renee for visiting my blog and commenting! It's so nice to know there's someone who thinks like I do :)

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  6. Hello,

    Um.. So does this need for dominance only involve spanking? Could he maybe dominate you in other ways that he feels maybe more comfortable with? I think you both need to definitely talk about how you are feeling, as communication is key in marriage and DD. But maybe you both can find a happy medium that you are both comfortable with.. I have a super hard time asking for a spanking, so we just recently came up with a way of letting him know without me having to actually verbally ask... Perhaps you could have a sign or code for him when you need more dominance and then he can step it up for ya! :0)

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    1. Great question, Irish Lucky! The answer is 'no'........it does not only involve spanking. I've asked J to phrase things a certain way, try to use a firm, or, when necessary, stern tone -- you know -- the warning thing.

      Would you mind sharing that way you and your husband came up with to let him know without verbally asking? If not, I understand....I don't mean to pry -- just looking for some ideas!

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    2. You know those magnets that you hang on your dishwasher that you can flip from dirty to clean? I made one of my own and we have it hanging in our walk in closet by his clothes...One side has rainbows and butterflies and the other...I took a picture of myself sticking my tongue out! �� I will let you guess which side he reacts to...��

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    3. Good idea! So when he gives you what you need, does he do so playfully or seriously? I ask because sometimes J will be seemingly playful when what I really need is for him to be serious. If I ask him if he's kidding around, he tells me he's serious, yet it seems to be delivered in a playful manner. Geesh, do ya think I might be overthinking things??

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    4. Alex is super serious about when I "ask" spankings and punishment spankings. He knows what ultimately happens otherwise, so it is in both our best interest for him to seriously spank. I think the only time he confuses me with serious/ non-serious is during our weekly reconnects. We are seriously reconnect challenged! ��

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  7. Hello,
    Yes I'm one of those who knows exactly how you feel too.
    The trouble is I cannot ask for it and actually do not want to ask for it because to me then its not the same.
    Although we have come to find other ways also for him to show his dominance, e.g. He will point to a spot just in front of him and I know that means I am to go and sit or stand there. He has done this in public too. (Although I am hoping that nobody else saw!)
    I have told him he needs to be stricter though, that when he lets me get away with things because he thinks he's being nice, it actually makes me worse.

    I actually find it hard to talk with him like this though. I use my blog and my journal to write things down to introduce to him.
    Good luck

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    1. Hi Janey! Thank you for stopping by and commenting.

      "The trouble is I cannot ask for it and actually do not want to ask for it because to me then its not the same."

      My sentiments exactly! And I totally get that when he lets you get away with things because he thinks he's being nice, it actually makes you worse -- me, too!

      The thing with J is, he will listen wholeheartedly and sincerely say that he understands and will work to change some of these things --- and then he doesn't :(

      I have also told him that I need for him to be stricter. We'll see. So far we're just coasting along Submission Lane.

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  8. Wow, three years? That's great! It's nice to see a new "face" here, and I hope you'll enjoy the friends you make. Best wishes to you.

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  10. OOPS -- somehow my response to Janey's comment ended up appearing here under Anastasia's. (Did I mention how techno UNsavvy I am?).

    Anyhoo, thank you, Anastasia -- I have the sense that I am in the midst of some wonderful people :)

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  11. I think we can all identify with you! I have been known to practically WRENCH Dan away from a task he is in the middle of doing, just because I will FIZZ right out of the bottle if he doesn't attend to my needs. Now he has told me what so say to him to let him know I need a spanking. It seems to be working so far, even if it isn't quite as enjoyable (LOL!) as I had hoped it would be!

    I also find "Top-up" spankings in between the other spankings are very good. Fast, furious and extremely stingy, they keep me in hand until the next time..... LOL!

    Hugs
    Ami

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    1. Top-up spankings, eh? Do tell.........

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  12. Charm, some of this is like reading about myself in an alternate universe. Shiver. :-)

    Thanks for your kind reply to my comment on your last/first post. I feel kinda famous now! Ha! Speaking of your last post, Ami and Susie are wonderful women and I consider them very good friends - who are in trouble with me now. Sheesh.

    Dominance is a tricky thing. I think courteous, respectful gentlemen can misconstrue overt dominance as bossiness or bullying, or are concerned their actions, words and tone will be interpreted that way. I think most of us here have our own opinion about what dominance should look/sound/feel like to us. What sounds rude to you may make me tingle, and what is truly offensive to me could make you melt. Men only have the generic societal standard by which to gauge what is acceptable dominant behavior - until we communicate what we would like from them.

    The hardest thing is to have to keep explaining and repeating yourself. Did he not understand? Is he not really interested? Am I too much trouble or wired too weirdly? Am I not important enough for him to recall what I explain? Is he experiencing brain problems with attention or memory? When I told him, "I love when you (blank)," did he think I only meant for him to do that thing in that way just the one time?

    Communication truly is all well and good, but it does make a difference in how you feel about some things if you have to ask. I wish you mega luck in figuring out how best to explain what you need and how you feel.

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    1. My name is Willie and I agree with the above statement! ^. Well with the exception of the Ami/Susie parts...sheesh those two!!
      Barney is very much in the dominance is bossy/rude/disrespectful camp. But he is finding his own way. *I* apparently have no problem being dominant..LOL

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    2. Lol....I hear ya, Willie. Truth be told, we're all finding our own way, eh?

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  13. As always, you give good, meaty food for thought, Irishey. Wow -- it's like you're in my head...maybe we are in an alternate universe...lol. Your perspective on dominance is right on. Have you ever written a post on it? If not, you should! I hope you don't mind if I gently and subtly (ok, maybe not so subtly) encourage you to blog again when you're ready. No pressure -- it's just that you have a lot of wisdom that is sure to benefit many. ((Hugs))

    Charm

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  14. I know what you are feeling. I can only go at the most three days before I need to feel his dominance. The minute I sense it missing, it comes roaring back as I become snarky. The longer you do dd/ttwd, the better it becomes.
    Meredith

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    1. That's the thing. We don't want to have to become snarky (well, maybe sometimes.....lol). I'm just hoping we can get to the place where J's dominance and my submission ebb and flow in wonderful rhythmic balance....how long do we have to do dd/ttwd before that happens? Lol

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