Save Me From Myself

Yesterday started out nicely.  Had my hair cut and colored, got myself a cup of my favorite coffee, picked up a turkey and some other items, and came home.

 After lunch, J and I decided to go out for a while.  The plan was to first get some pictures printed at our local pharmacy, and then head to an antique mall that we like to meander through every now and then.

While J was picking up the photos, I was looking at Christmas stuff on the shelves.  So many decorations.  50% off tags were everywhere.  I spotted a package of three adorable snowmen who lit up in three colors.  I was hesitant to ask J about them, because we'd already had more than one discussion on how we need to stick to our budget (we've had a lot of expenses this past year, and J is contemplating going into business for himself).  No unnecessary purchases, at least for the foreseeable future.   

Yep.  I understood.

Unnecessary purchases.

How do you define unnecessary?  Considering all the holiday decorations we have in storage, which includes a plentiful collection of snowmen, did I really NEED to have more?  Well, maybe not.  Well.....no.   But these guys lit up!  And they were only $10.  And they would make me so happy! 

So, as J came to find me, I showed them to him. 

Look, Honey -- aren't these adorable?  They light up!

Mmm.

These would be so cute on the shelf.

Let me think about it.

Now, I knew this meant I was not going to get an answer while in the store.  I knew it was a stalling tactic, that his real answer was 'no.'  I practically said as much in a sarcastic not-so-nice way.  He ignored it.

Ignored it.

My demeanor and gait took a noticeable turn, and he asked me if anything was wrong.

He didn't know?  How could he not know?

So I told him.  Made my little case.  Then he did something else that ended up making me feel even worse:

If I let you get these, you understand that that will be it, right?  Nothing else?

My emotions were in conflict.  When I showed him the snowmen, it was not in attempt to test him.  I really wanted those little guys!  But I must admit, I did feel somewhat guilty asking.  But then I felt like they would bring me so much joy and really, is $10 that big a deal? 

To be fair, J has ok'd some other items that I've asked him about that weren't in the budget.  For example, when October rolled around, that same store had a sale on scarecrows with bendable legs.  Perfect for our bench in front of the house.  They were on sale, too.  I knew he wanted to make me happy, and I thanked him sincerely.

Anyway, here's a peek into the thoughts running around in my mind that afternoon:

How can he act like he doesn't know what I'm upset about?  And to ignore my snippy comment!  I know I walked around rather sullenly and pouty, but then he relents and says I can get them if I don't ask for anything else?  Great.  Now I'm in control.  Why is he doing this?  Please, J, save me from myself.

So I told him this:

Well, no.  I don't think you should do that.  I mean, if you don't want me to buy it, you should stick to your decision.  Just because I don't like what you said doesn't mean you should change your position.  Now I'm feeling uncertain. Not as secure.  I'd rather deal with the disappointment of you telling me 'No' because we really need to stick to our budget and that's your answer than to feel what I'm feeling now, which is like I won.

J understood and apologized.  He said I was right.  He said that with all the strain and stress we've been enduring lately, he'd allowed himself to sink back into some old patterns.  He said he knew he wasn't being as dominant as he'd been and knew that he needed to be.

I looked at him and said,

Yes, please.  'Cause if you don't, my dominance is going to come back, and we don't want that.

He agreed.  Said we definitely didn't want that.

We went to the mall.

My feelings were still mixed.  I appreciated his honesty and understanding, but I felt deflated.  We walked around for a couple of hours, but my heart wasn't in it the way it usually is, but I did do my best to be pleasant.

After we got home and took our jackets off, J took me by the arm and led me to our bedroom.

What are you doing?

Well, I've got to do something here to get my dominance back.  He closed the shades, sat down on our ottoman, and told me to take my pants down and lay over his knee.  (Can somebody say tingle?)

He proceeded to rain down some pretty hefty swats.  Ouch!

I'd like to add that this spanking was the first spontaneous, unannounced spanking (other than playful or sexual spankings) he's given me since we started doing TTWD.

Such a bunch of mixed emotions, rolling all around.  I don't like rollercoasters.

But I was glad to be of service  :)