Friday, November 22, 2013

Save Me From Myself

Yesterday started out nicely.  Had my hair cut and colored, got myself a cup of my favorite coffee, picked up a turkey and some other items, and came home.

 After lunch, J and I decided to go out for a while.  The plan was to first get some pictures printed at our local pharmacy, and then head to an antique mall that we like to meander through every now and then.
While J was picking up the photos, I was looking at Christmas stuff on the shelves.  So many decorations.  50% off tags were everywhere.  I spotted a package of three adorable snowmen who lit up in three colors.  I was hesitant to ask J about them, because we'd already had more than one discussion on how we need to stick to our budget (we've had a lot of expenses this past year, and J is contemplating going into business for himself).  No unnecessary purchases, at least for the foreseeable future.   

Yep.  I understood.

Unnecessary purchases.

How do you define unnecessary?  Considering all the holiday decorations we have in storage, which includes a plentiful collection of snowmen, did I really NEED to have more?  Well, maybe not.   But these guys lit up!  And they were only $10.  And they would make me so happy! 

So, as J came to find me, I showed them to him. 

Look, Honey -- aren't these adorable?  They light up!


These would be so cute on the shelf.

Let me think about it.

Now, I knew this meant I was not going to get an answer while in the store.  I knew it was a stalling tactic, that his real answer was 'no.'  I practically said as much in a sarcastic not-so-nice way.  He ignored it.

Ignored it.

My demeanor and gait took a noticeable turn, and he asked me if anything was wrong.

He didn't know?  How could he not know?

So I told him.  Made my little case.  Then he did something else that ended up making me feel even worse:
If I let you get these, you understand that that will be it, right?  Nothing else?

My emotions were in conflict.  When I showed him the snowmen, it was not in attempt to test him.  I really wanted those little guys!  But I must admit, I did feel somewhat guilty asking.  But then I felt like they would bring me so much joy and really, is $10 that big a deal? 

To be fair, J has ok'd some other items that I've asked him about that weren't in the budget.  For example, when October rolled around, that same store had a sale on scarecrows with bendable legs.  Perfect for our bench in front of the house.  They were on sale, too.  I knew he wanted to make me happy, and I thanked him sincerely.

Anyway, here's a peek into the thoughts running around in my mind that afternoon:

How can he act like he doesn't know what I'm upset about?  And to ignore my snippy comment!  I know I walked around rather sullenly and pouty, but then he relents and says I can get them if I don't ask for anything else?  Great.  Now I'm in control.  Why is he doing this?  Please, J, save me from myself.

So I told him this:

Well, no.  I don't think you should do that.  I mean, if you don't want me to buy it, you should stick to your decision.  Just because I don't like what you said doesn't mean you should change your position.  Now I'm feeling uncertain. Not as secure.  I'd rather deal with the disappointment of you telling me 'No' because we really need to stick to our budget and that's your answer than to feel what I'm feeling now, which is like I won.

J understood and apologized.  He said I was right.  He said that with all the strain and stress we've been enduring lately, he'd allowed himself to sink back into some old patterns.  He said he knew he wasn't being as dominant as he'd been and knew that he needed to be.

I looked at him and said,

Yes, please.  'Cause if you don't, my dominance is going to come back, and we don't want that.

He agreed.  Said we definitely didn't want that.

We went to the mall.

My feelings were still mixed.  I appreciated his honesty and understanding, but I felt deflated.  We walked around for a couple of hours, but my heart wasn't in it the way it usually is, but I did do my best to be pleasant.

After we got home and took our jackets off, J took me by the arm and led me to our bedroom.

What are you doing?

Well, I've got to do something here to get my dominance back.  He closed the shades, sat down on our ottoman, and told me to take my pants down and lay over his knee.  (Can somebody say tingle?)
He proceeded to rain down some pretty hefty swats.  Ouch!

I'd like to add that this spanking was the first spontaneous, unannounced spanking (other than playful or sexual spankings) he's given me since we started doing TTWD.

Such a bunch of mixed emotions, rolling all around.  I don't like rollercoasters.

But I was glad to be of service  :)


  1. This first spankings are very important. When he takes the lead and you submit is so important. Good for you!

    1. It felt so good, even though it hurt. A dichotomy, is it not? Makes me think of that song, "It Hurts So Good"...LOL

  2. It's so exciting when they take us by surprise that way!

    1. Yes it is, and if anybody tried to tell me even 5 years ago that one day I'd find it exciting to be ordered over my husband's knee for a spanking, I would have thought they were crazy!

  3. Hi Uma. :)

    That is a rollercoaster. My hubby as a certain way of saying "we'll see" which absolutely means NO and yet he won't just go ahead and say no. It throws me into the same sort of turmoil that you went through.

    It did make me smile to see that J called himself on it and took care of things. LOL, being of service indeed.

    1. Susie, have you and M talked about that turmoil? You two are such good communicators that I imagine you have discussed it? If so, I'm curious as to what he had to say, if you don't mind my asking?

    2. We did talk about it fairly recently when he said it. I went into a total snit, tore a strip off of him, got a huge walloping and then we finally talked. Sigh! He now "knows" that it sends me to a bad place but he will admit himself that he doesn't always remember. I'm to remind him when it happens again but honestly, it usually takes us a couple rounds before it sinks in and he internalizes how it sets him off. It's okay, it gives me time to also practice how I respond.

    3. That's looking at it from the bright side -- not so easy to do in the moment, though, is least not for me :(

  4. Ah that first unannounced/preplanned spanking! Mine was a punishment and just 2 weeks ago. I remember it well! LOL. I think you did really well, and I think J did too. He didn't get sulky about you talking to him about how you felt, nor did he get angry! Sure the beginning part in the store might not have went the way you wanted, and him not 'calling' you on your poutiness might have sent you to a bad place, but you managed. I'd say great job!

    1. Thanks, Willie. J is really good like that. There have been a few times when he's gotten defensive, but he's been working on it because he really wants to know how I'm feeling. He's been a great example to me.

  5. Such honesty, and you said it in a way that didn't make him feel bad or show him disrespect. I think you should pat yourself on the back. On the *back*, not there. Unless you want it. :)

    1. Yes, I made sure to pat myself on my back right under my Thank you for the encouragement, Ana. I really appreciate it :)

  6. Hi there Unnamed! :) Good for you for communicating to J in a way that helped him to understand your feelings at the time! Good for him for stepping up and meeting your needs (okay backside too! LOL!). Very nice! Your snowman collection sounds cute! Hugs,

    <3 Katie

    1. Ah, Katie -- that's just it. They're NOT my snowmen ...... they still belong to the store :(

  7. You see, your hubby was very clever - he was giving you choices! Perhaps the hardest test as far as your "co-operation" is concerned. But very important, because "choices" are way up the ladder - much further up than just "no, you can't!"

    Being a woman - I hate it when Dan gives me that type of choice. But I am an adult, I am an intelligent woman, I should be grateful for being given a choice. Ha!

    I remember once how much I sulked because I couldn't get my own way over something. Eventually Dan had really had enough. He came up behind me, hitched up my bathrobe (or nighty, I can't recall exactly) and gave me several hard swats then and there - and then spanked me later for the same thing!

    Such is life, my friend.

    Hope you aren't missing your snowmen too much!


  8. Is THAT what he was doing? Oh, I see could I have been so blind? LOL

    Ah, my little snowmen. I was thinking of going to visit them at the store, that is, unless they're.......GASP..........all gone!!!

    Funny how life works, eh? Even though I was upset at the time, I'm so glad it all happened the way it did because it was definitely worth the things we learned about ourselves.