.....where we stop,
nobody knows we know all too well.
Why do I keep going round and round with this?
I'm thinking if I just start typing, it might prove helpful in sorting it out.
If I break it down step by step, in accordance with what Kane and I have agreed upon in TTWD, my logic tells me he was right and I wrong. But logic didn't win last Friday night. I can't say I was thinking with my heart, because that's not where the problem was, either.
I guess it all should have gone pretty simply. I had done something he told me not to do. Not intentionally, but it happened nonetheless. Kane doesn't mind if I watch TV at night (I do have to ask permission to watch on Netflix), but he does not want me falling asleep with the TV and/or light on. Herein lies the problem. When I'm relaxing all comfy cozy in the recliner with a blanket, sometimes sleep claims me, despite my efforts to the contrary. Kane says if I feel myself getting that tired, I need to turn off the TV and light. Sometimes he's watching something else either downstairs or on the ipad in our bedroom. He'll often fall asleep before I do. So what happens is I drift off, the TV and light are still on, and it could be 1:00 - 2:00 in the morning before he wakes up and comes out to the living room to check.
The first time it happened this week was Monday or Tuesday. He decided to let me off with a warning because I hadn't done it in a long time. He said if it happened again there would be a punishment. Well it happened Thursday night again. He came out, turned off the TV and light, and told me there would be a punishment the next night. Actually, I woke up as he was coming through the kitchen into the living room.
"Honey, I'm awake. I'm going to turn the TV off right now."
Seeing the screen dimmed due to the show having ended and my not choosing another (Netflix) told him I'd fallen asleep with it on. I knew better than to protest, so I got up and went to bed.
I thought about it several times throughout the next day. Mixed feelings. One part of me was glad that he would be consistent with what he said would happen. The other part bothered me because I wasn't totally buying into the idea that what I'd done -- falling asleep against my will and better judgment -- should be a punishable offense.
So when the time came last night I was struggling emotionally with it. I didn't turn over when he told me to. I wanted to talk about it and why it was I felt it was not a fair and just rule. He was annoyed because we'd had this conversation on more than one occasion already. I lay there looking at him as he held the wooden paddle in his hand, waiting for me to turn over. I was hesitating. Then he told me either I turn over now and get 8 whacks or it would be 80. I begrudgingly turned over.
It didn't make me feel like he was right and I was wrong. I was still upset. His annoyance turned to anger and he raised his voice. Said he couldn't believe we were having the same conversation again. He was upset that he had gotten no submission out of me. I pointed out that I turned over for him. He quickly pointed out that it was not until I was threatened with 80 swats. I told him if I didn't think it was a fair rule, I didn't feel right apologizing for falling asleep. At one point I told him I thought the idea of receiving a punishment for leaving a light on (if the TV was off) due to the fact that I had fallen asleep was absurd. That earned me another spanking.
He was very mad and frustrated. He said that if I don't agree with something, I can respectfully state it, but that I need to own up to the transgression and apologize for not obeying him. And that even though I eventually turned over and took the spanking, he did not feel any submission from me. I guess he was right.
I asked him about imposing a bed time rule. I felt that would help and would be a rule that was fair and made more sense to me. That would make it more likely that I wouldn't fall asleep in the living room with the TV on. He said OK and told me my new bedtime is 10:00.
He turned off the light and I knew he was still upset. I was, too. I asked him if I could put my head on his chest, and he turned toward me. As we lay there, I asked him something (I can't remember what just now), and he told me he was really tired and couldn't do more talking. I said I was still trying to figure out who I am and if this (submission and obedience) is really me.
We fell asleep.
I don't know why this struggle keeps resurfacing. Sometimes I feel so in tune with this dynamic. I've told Kane many times that I do not want to go back to the way things were without it. I would miss it too much. That's still true.
I often think about it when I'm alone driving. To be honest, sometimes I miss the independence I found after my divorce from my first husband. We'd been married for 27 years with much turbulence and turmoil. He was not controlling, but he was verbally and emotionally abusive.
I was open to the idea of marriage again if the right person came along, but I was in no hurry. I was learning how to manage on my own for the first time in my life and I liked it. Dating was fun and I learned a lot about myself.
When I met Kane, I knew he was someone different from all the rest. I fell in love with him almost right away and that scared me. He fell in love with me just as quickly. Of course, we didn't tell each other for quite a while (besides, I was not going to be the one who said it first!).
We talked of marriage, and that scared me too. He had never been married before, but he was confident that we would build a wonderful life together. I knew he was one in a million and that I did not want to lose him. I wanted to marry him, too. We did, one year and three months after we met. I thought we could just blend our lives together and I could still be the me I was (although, a lot of that 'me' needed improvement). I had no idea (nor did he, at the time) that we would head toward a traditional marriage where the husband is the leader and the wife submissive. Oh, I had believed it should be that way even in my first marriage, as I'd been taught that in church and in the scriptures. I'm the one that brought the subject of Dd to him during our first year.
Fast forward to today -- I asked Kane if we could talk about it again now that we were a few days out from it and would most likely handle the conversation better. I felt I was in a better place to at least try to understand his perspective.
He told me that what he's trying to do is instill discipline (of the self-initiated kind) in me. Admittedly, I'm not a very disciplined person. He stood by his rule and said that it's his choice/decision to make and I could consider it an exercise in submission (something we'd discussed several times and for which I had asked).
I asked Kane what I should do when I don't agree with him even after a spanking, like in this case. It seemed disingenuous to apologize for something that I didn't feel 'guilty' of.
He said that even though I didn't agree with the (fairness of) rule, I still should have apologized for doing what he had told me not to do (disobedience), in this case, falling asleep with the TV and light on. I tried telling him again that I can't help it if my body dozes off while I'm watching TV, but he said I should have a sense of how tired I am, and if I think it could happen, I should just turn off the TV (and light) and go to bed.
I asked him what he's looking for from/in me during those times of correction/punishment. Doesn't he understand that I don't always want to turn over on a dime just because he says so? (I know, I know -- this even sounds ridiculous to me right now - I must sound like a hypocrite.) Doesn't he understand that sometimes the whole thing strikes me as not right -- I'm a 56 year old woman, after all! Does he appreciate how hard it is for me sometimes? Does he expect me to turn over immediately when he tells me to in those moments? Yes, he does. He gets that it's a struggle for me, but that doesn't change the fact that by not doing so when he tells me to, it's a sign of disrespect.
Tonight I do have a better understanding and appreciation for my husband and all the responsibility he bears in TTWD. I can make it so frustrating for him sometimes. It's like I like it when it feels good, until it doesn't. And it seems so fickle -- well, I guess I'm fickle. I feel like I should have this better figured out by now. We've been at this for 4 years now (give or take a few brief breaks here and there). Sigh.
I have to admit that I'm glad he's sticking to his guns. The respect factor rose when he told me that I don't have to like it, but I do have to obey. And, truth be told, I felt a twinge in a special place ;)
TTWD can be nutty sometimes, or maybe it's just me that's nutty.
I still don't like the rule.