Diana

Sitting here tonight thinking how interesting life is sometimes.  I've got bittersweet sentiments about something that took place earlier this evening -- Sorrow and Joy.

Tonight was the annual Christmas party hosted by my son's group home.  It is held at a local church, where food and goodies are provided along with genuine, down-to-earth goodheartedness, Santa Claus handing out presents, and Christmas carols sung by young and old alike.  Don't tell anyone, but the guitarist is also Santa (affiliated with the home), who changed back into his regular attire.  I don't know if and/or how many of the "kids" (My boy is 20) have caught onto this.  I'd like to believe they never will.

Year after year the wonderful folks from Adam's group home put on this festive event, their dedication, commitment, and love are evident to all.  Families come together to a warm and friendly place where  the children can are free to be themselves, their parents so happy about that fact and the knowledge that neither they nor their child are alone.

Adam's aide at school came tonight.  I'll call her Diana.  She was at our table.  I'd not met her before.  She was a lovely woman, and Kane and I very much enjoyed talking with her.  She was very sweet to my youngest child, who is on the autism spectrum and has an intellectual disability.  They talked music, school, likes and dislikes.  At one point, when she noticed Alison having a tough time trying to cut her meat, she offered to cut it for her, which Alison greatly appreciated.

After dinner I got up to walk around and mingle a bit.  Diana and Kane were chatting at the table.  Kane told me when we got home that Diana's husband passed away about a year ago.  She told Kane that working with Adam has been the only thing that has gotten her through many of her days.  Her face lit up as she talked about the progress she's seen him make and her hopes for his future.  She said she felt they had a good connection.  That was clearly evident.

All the holidays of 2014 are the first that she's spent without her husband.  When Kane expressed his sympathy, she told him, "He's cancer-free now."

Sorrow and joy.  Sorrow for this wonderful woman who is grieving the loss of her husband of 26 years.  Joy because my son, unbeknownst to him, provided her with purpose and a reason to be happy about the day ahead.  Joy, also, because of how Diana has touched my son's life.

When the night was over, we all hugged good-bye and wished each other a Merry Christmas.

I wish I could describe just how deeply this has touched my heart, but I'm at a loss for those words, but I offer up a small prayer:

Thank you, God, for this wonderful woman in my son's life.  Please bless her with Your comfort and peace during this very difficult time of grieving, especially as Christmas draws near.  Amen.

Happy Thanksgiving

By now the turkey has been put away, the kitchen cleaned up, and many are probably in bed.  I thought of you all today and how I wanted to wish everyone a Happy Thanksgiving before the day got underway.  Ah well, the best laid plans..........

I do hope your Thanksgiving was wonderful and blessed, spent with those you love and care about.  I've been gone a while, but you were never far from my mind or heart.

Trying to figure out how to do this thing again....the blogging that is.  For a while it seemed so difficult to come up with posts that, at the very least, would make sense to those reading.

I didn't intend to be away so long....kept thinking, "I've got to get back to it."  I've been trying to catch up with some reading when I can.

My good friend, Clara, encouraged me to write something.  To come back now.  Sometimes I've told her I just don't know what to write about, especially when I've been feeling overwhelmed, tired, and at times, apathetic.  She told me to write about it.

I'm thinking about it.

Sometimes I allow myself to get caught up in the ole tug of war --

Just write for yourself.  This is a place where you can let things out and process them.

Don't worry so much about whether it makes sense to others or whether you're writing in a way that will keep them interested.  Don't get caught up in all of that.

And yet I do.  Tug, tug, tug.

When life gets ho hum on the DD front, I think, "Well this is great, what am I going to say now?"  Especially when I'm upset with Kane.  I don't want to portray him in a bad light.

They say not to concentrate on or worry about getting comments.  This is your blog; you can write about whatever you want in any way you want.  I'd like to think I can do that, yet I have gotten caught up in wondering if what I'm writing isn't interesting enough if I don't get many comments.  Sometimes I've thought that the few regular commenters I've had were just being kind.

This is dumb, I know.  And the last thing I want is for anyone to think I'm fishing for comments.  NO PITY COMMENTS!  LOL  I'm really not feeling sorry for myself here, just being honest.  Maybe some of you have felt the same way at times?

Anyway, I think I'm going to try again to write as best I can from my heart and not worry about whether I'll "reach anyone" with what I have to say.  That's really not the point.  If it happens, and especially if it ends up helping someone, that is a bonus and a blessing.

This Thanksgiving I am grateful for so much.  This past year has been the most difficult of my life, but I have seen the glimmer of that light at the end of the tunnel, and am keeping my eye on it.

It feels good to be here again  :)

Spank Ready

The other day Kane announced that we needed a 'session' that night -- that he needed it.  Hmm....  I was interested ;)  We were overdue.  I even arranged myself over my special bed cushion, aka the 'husband pillow' -- you know, one of those cushions with arms that you place at the head of the bed for reading.  Kane started with his hand and delivered a good many swats (he's increased the amount lately).  I was handling them well.....maybe too well, and I asked for the leather paddle.  It's always a delicate balance, is it not -- deciding whether to ask for more/harder spanks.  Guess I'm learning to ask for what I need -- without getting too crazy.  Lol

Kane delivered, and I was again surprised at how well I was tolerating it.  He did bring out the Black Hand, which, any more than 10 swats, I am so wanting outta there.  I didn't get more than 10 -- tolerated that ok, considered for a minute second whether I should ask for more -- then thought better of it, chicken that I am.

As he spanked, he told me that he wants me to stop complaining when we go on walks together.  Um, well, I've been known to grumble let him know (more than once) when I'm sweating (well, geez, it was so HOT outside!).  I guess I've also made it known in a not-so-pleasant way that my legs hurt sometimes  (well, they do!).  The last time we went for a walk, he decided, toward the end of it, to go in a slightly different direction home -- a direction that would take us an additional 10 minutes or so, so I said something to that effect.  I guess it really bothers him when I do all this.  Kinda takes the joy of walking out of it for him.  I guess I can see that.

Anyway, he told me that there will be an 'adjustment' spanking -- to adjust me to being ready to walk without complaining.  He first said he'd deliver one after the walk if I complained.  I suggested that it might be a good idea to give it to me beforehand, so I'd remember.

I'll keep you posted as to how that works out.  I'm pretty sure we'll be taking a couple of walks next week.

Laying Down My Crown

Although I have thoroughly enjoyed having a beautiful majestic gold crown sparkling atop my head "S" (thank you, Willie ; ), I must admit I'm most comfortable without one.  It was simply too much pressure to be PERFECT,  ya know?

So, alas, my secret's out -- I'm not really a princess -- shhhh -- only in my mind...lol.

It was always slipping off my head, anyways, especially when OTK.

A Little Bondage, Anyone?

I dunno......you know the saying, "Never say never"....... there was a time not too long ago when I wouldn't have even entertained the thought of having my bottom spanked by my hubby.  Now I've taken to admiring my reddened arse in the mirror.

At the very least, it would take my mind off of the pressing matters at hand  :P

Thoughts?

Saggy Boobs

Can Pain Be My Friend?

I was talking with a blogger friend last night about the effectiveness of a really sore bottom after a good, hard spanking.  We both don't like what it takes to get there, yet we like feeling the soreness a day or two (or even three) afterward.  She had had an especially hard maintenance and was feeling it the next day, which she liked.  I thought back wistfully to those times (I can count them on one hand) that my bottom was so sore, just getting in the car was very painful, yet............you guessed it............I loved it.  And that made me think I was very strange.

I haven't had that kind of spanking in a LONG time.....those kinds for me have always been punishments.  Kane has learned how to spank me gradually during maintenance, which has lessened bruising significantly.  My friend and I talked about that, too, and how we even like having bruises on our butts.  I remember some really pretty shades of purple.  They always bothered Kane, though.  He hated to see them.  It bothered him to know he'd caused them, even though I told him I was fine with them.  Heck, I would pull a hand mirror out of my bathroom closet several times a day to admire his handiwork.

At the very least, my friend and I agreed that it was the ever-present reminder that kept us feeling in that soft, submissive place.

I know I could ask Kane for an extra dose of heavy-handedness, but that would most likely mean that he would use the wooden paddle he made, which he 'affectionately' refers to as 'The Black Hand'.  I can't tolerate too many of those.  I guess I could ask him to use his hand at full-force strength.  Gulp.  

Alas, I am a big weanie when it comes to pain.  Oh, the connundrum.....sigh........

Back From the Beyond

I wanted to entitle this "Back From the Great Beyond", and then wondered if the "Great Beyond" meant the afterlife, in which case, if it did, I certainly haven't been there.  I've been more in a place called Limbo.  Kane and I are fine; we still have a lot to be grateful for.  It's just that, well, we've had so much to deal with and so many tough decisions to consider.  I can't believe I've been away for as long as I have.  It was not my intention.  I kept thinking I'd be back, so I didn't want to write a "Taking a Break" kind of post.  Every time I thought about it, though, I started feeling increasingly guilty for suddenly disappearing without a trace or explanation.

Not sure what else to say.  We're now on our 3rd attorney.  Things with the 2nd child are looking hopeful and good, and that makes us feel so good inside.  Things with the 1st child do not, and well.......

So what am I saying?  I kept thinking, "I don't have anything meaningful to write about Kane's and my dd life right now.  That aspect of our life is going pretty well.....we did boot camp last month, and it was a really good experience for both of us.  I'm just not sure what I have to offer to the community here right now, but I'm not ready to let you all go.  Maybe you won't mind if I leave a comment here or there on your blogs?  I do want to stay connected, if even in a small way.

If you've emailed me and I haven't responded, please accept my sincere apology.  I'm just now getting to the place where I can do that.

So will you forgive me for going off the radar of the Blogosphere without a word?  I've still been thinking of you all and have read your blogs when I can.

Life goes on, doesn't it?  And that's a good thing.  Kane will be having knee surgery next month.  And so it goes.  At least his knee won't hurt him anymore after he recovers.

I've got a lot of catching up to do.  I hope everything is going well for all of you.  Blondie, I read your blog the other night, and my thoughts and prayers are with you and Ty.

God bless you guys, and thanks for letting me express myself here.

It's Been A While!

Sometimes a little lighthearted silliness is all that's needed to lighten the mood and lift the spirits....lol.

Feelin' It

So the moral of the story is never lose sight of what's important and the things that really matter in life.................

Admittedly, I write this as I have been enjoying the benefits of a couple or few glasses of wine and listening to this song umpteen times.....

But I think it will still make good sense to me tomorrow.  Whaddya think?

Life is short.  Let's do our best to spend it wisely and remember to count our blessings  :)

In Honor of Our Courageous Veterans

The Lion's Den

This is what I believe to be a fair and accurate depiction of a meeting with the powers that be, aka the 'system', Kane and I attended regarding our daughter yesterday.  I tried to find a photo that included both a man and woman, but no luck.

We are doing our best to keep our eyes turned upward to our Higher Power, and we can feel the many prayers and good thoughts on our behalf and are grateful.

Coming Up for Air

Just want to say 'hello' and tell you that I miss y'all.  In the 

beginning of the homestretch, which will get worse before it gets

better.  But Kane and I are doing OK.  Thanks for your support 

and prayers.

The Morning After

Sorry if the post title is misleading.  From the sound of it, you might have thought this would be a good, juicy read.  Alas, this is not about the aftermath of a good, hard spanking.  Rather, it's about how I feel today, after having gone to bed at 3 am (Kane let me sleep in until 10:30).  I woke up feeling well rested, and when my thoughts became coherent, I remembered the post I wrote last night.  I wondered if it was too down, too heavy....maybe I shouldn't have hit 'publish'.  I considered whether I should take it down.

After (finally) getting out of bed and greeting my youngest child, I slowly became aware that I was feeling better, even lighter.  I can't attribute it to a spanking, because no spanking of any kind took place last night, let alone a hard one.  For one thing, Kane was fast asleep, snoring away.  For another thing, I did NOT want to experience the kind of pain I wrote about at that ungodly hour.  I told you I'm a dichotomy...lol.

I find my days are like this lately.  With the conclusion that Kane and I have arrived at looming in the not-so-far distance, my emotions have run the gamut of the spectrum.  Sometimes when I can't sleep, Kane will allow me to fall asleep on the couch to the TV.  It's a helpful distraction.  That was the case a few nights ago when I couldn't turn my thoughts off, as I worried about the kids.  Kane and I had been talking things through for at least an hour by that point, and then when I tried settle enough for sleep, it wouldn't happen.

This morning I feel an 'odd' sense of peace.  I welcome it, believe me.  I don't fool myself that I won't find myself at the opposite end of the spectrum many times again going forward, but I am hanging onto the belief that eventually, this peace will grow and last.  That is what the peace that surpasses all understanding is.

The events of the past year have been, what some people have told us, unimaginable, and enough to send most people over the edge.  My doctor put me on medication last fall.  I thank God for my wonderful husband, who is also struggling right alongside me.  He's been my rock, yet of course, he has also experienced each and every emotion I have.  We reach out to each other for comfort.  The other day he surprised me with a DVD of one of my favorite comediennes, Carol Burnett.  We watched it that night and had ourselves some good laughs, mixed in with a nice feeling of nostalgia.

I've decided I'm going to enjoy this peaceful, lighter feeling I have today.  Thank you all for your reassurance that I'm not being a Debby Downer.  I do not write here for sympathy, and I'm so glad you know that.

I'd like to end this post on a lighter and brighter note, so I dug around for a few pics that might express just that. 

Kane's been into woodworking lately and has been making some really awesome stuff, and although it would require something other than woodworking to achieve this, I'm thinking of asking him to try his hand at inventing something like this.  Who knows?  He's completely self-taught on the woodworking thing.  Anything's possible, right?  At the very least, a girl can dream......

While he's at it, maybe he can make me one of these, too.

This is me far more often than I'd care to admit.  I don't know if Kane can do anything about this.  *Sigh*

OK, how many of you are old enough to remember what TV show this is from?

I chose it because I think it humorously captures the spirit we'd like to aspire to, at least every once in a while...lol.

And, on the flip side, back to reality once again!  On these days, I just keep telling myself, "This too shall pass".

Have a great Sunday, everybody  :D

A Walking Dichotomy

For those of you who have read a few of my whiny posts about spankings and know what a wimp I am, one look at my new header and you'll know why I chose the title of this post.

I dunno, I feel as if I'm teetering on the edge.....no, not of a breakdown (at least not yet...lol), but kinda dancing on the line between not wanting painful spankings and well.....finding myself wanting some painful spankings.  Not for the pain, mind you.  I hate pain.  No, I need what it will bring me.

Maybe I find myself here because of all that's going on in my life right now.  The situation is nearing a conclusion, and I liken it to running away from the flames that seek to devour you and moving forward, even though the journey will press and squeeze you on every side.  You can't stand still.  Not yet.  You have no choice but to go forward, knowing you will encounter much sorrow and pain as you do, yet hanging onto your faith that God will see you through.

Resolution?  I don't know if I can call it that.  Extremely tough decisions to make.  Decisions that, while you sadly understand and accept that it is the only choice you have, still cause you deep sorrow.  Holding onto the hope that one day, good will come from all of this.

I guess it's not so hard to understand after all, the wanting some hard spankings, that is.  I'd rather feel that pain than what I'm feeling now and will only get worse before it gets better.

Keep calm and spank me hard, Kane.  Help me get my mind on something else, if only for a while.

MIA

Added 4/25/14:

I forgot to mention that I did finally reply to the comments on my last post!


For those that commented on my last post, I feel I owe you an apology.  I hate not replying to comments.  I always want to let those who take the time to do so know that I really appreciate what they have to say.  Thank you all for your words of encouragement and for making me feel a little less foolish and definitely not alone!  The other thing is, I sometimes worry that I'm going to come across as too .... well..... you know..........

Life, as they say, has been, well...........what do you say that doesn't sound like a cliche?  Oh-so-busy, overwhelming, hectic, blah blah blah.  But really, it has.  Some days it's about managing to keep my head above water.  I haven't had time to leave comments on other blogs, which also bothers me.  I have been reading when I can, and sending out good thoughts and prayers.  I haven't been on my computer as much lately.

I've been working on learning some new relaxation techniques.  I'm not too good at relaxing.  

Some of the things I find relaxing are............

I know that taking a nice hot bath is supposed to be relaxing, and I've tried that, many times.  After I fill the tub with the water as hot as I can take it, and get my bubbles going, I step in, ever so carefully.  Sit down veeerrryyy slowly.  Ahhhhh............  Sometimes I even light a candle.  And I've been known to bring a little drinkie poo in with me from time to time....  That definitely helps me stay in the tub longer...lol.

Sounds heavenly, doesn't it?  My problem is, after about 10 - 15 minutes, I start sweating.  It's too hot in there!  So I get out.  A friend recently told me to make myself stay in the tub....add some cold water to make it just right, and do my best to enjoy it.  I want  to enjoy it, believe me, but my mind is so full that I can't seem to quell them, even temporarily.  Sigh.  I have tried adding the cold water, and I am making myself stay in longer.

I've been trying to practice some mindfulness.  I would love to be just simply in the moment sometimes, you know?  Easier said than done, but then again, I'm not one who's easily daunted by challenge.  Sigh again.

I love this community and am so glad to be a part of it.  I worry sometimes that when I can't reply to comments as quickly as I'd like or leave comments on posts I've read that you'll think me inconsiderate, for one, and uncaring, for two.  I care a whole lot.  About so many of you.  You've helped me grow in more ways than one, and for that I am grateful.

I'm really hoping that Kane and I will have a healthy resolution to our situation with two of our kiddos soon.  To keep going the way we've been going is too taxing and wearing for all of us.  We haven't really been ourselves for quite a while.........a little over a year now.  But I know we will get there, with the help of God, family, and good friends.  I count many of you as dear friends, too.

Just What IS This Thing We Do, Exactly?

I feel I should preface this post by saying that I don't know if, by the time I'm done writing it, it will turn out to be something that makes sense and is thought provoking or just a bunch of thoughts and questions swirling around in my head that I'm processing.  Maybe I'm rambling in order to help myself figure some things out.  In any event, if it ends up being the latter, I apologize.  Feel free to pass this one by.

Being three years into this, I really do understand that TTWD is different for each couple.  In many, if not most, cases it is linked with domestic discipline.  It does not have to be, however, as I've come to understand.  Some couples do it without the discipline/punishment aspect, and it works just fine for them.  Others incorporate it into a master/slave dynamic.  Some may simply use it for stress relief and/or erotic play.  To each his own, and whatever floats your boat, as they say.  It's all good, as long as it's something that both parties are in agreement with and consent to.

While I'm aware that boot camp for domestic discipline exists to help those couples who want more information and guidelines to follow in order to help them grow in this dynamic, I also know that it's not necessarily for everyone, and that, of course, is fine.  That's the beauty of TTWD, I guess, we get to customize and tailor it to meet and fulfill our own needs and desires.

 For myself, I sometimes get confused about whether my thoughts and expectations are fair and reasonable.  We all know that we should not play the comparison game, yet I'm sure if we were to be honest about it, we'd admit that we do, at least on occasion.  I have.  Do any of these thoughts ring a bell?  Mind you, I said 'thoughts'.  These are not things I say to my husband.  At least I know enough not to do that!

So and So's husband is so consistent and dominant.  He always knows what to do.  If my husband were like that, I would be so soft and submissive.  I'm sure I would absolutely melt.

I'm not sure if we're doing this right.  My husband asserted his dominance, and instead of feeling all soft and submissive inside, I'm MAD!  I thought I was supposed to melt.  I just want to argue my point, and right now, it doesn't seem any amount of spanking will change my mind, even if it does manage to shut my mouth.  I thought this was supposed to work in creating harmony.  What is wrong with me?  Or is the problem with him, or somewhere in between?

He seems to be showing me grace here.  What does this mean?  Is he shirking his responsibility, or, as I've read on other bloggers' blogs, is he making a conscious choice to give me what he believes I really need at this moment, the loving, tender side of his strength?

Thursday night was maintenance.  We're doing it twice weekly, as we've both seen the need.  Kane hadn't used the hand made 'black hand' paddle in a long while, and I asked him to include it.  (That thing hurts like a son of a gun, but I somehow had a hankering for a little bit of it....go figure).

We came downstairs and I quickly realized there was something that needed doing upstairs (just something I needed to get and bring downstairs).  Kane said to go ahead and get it.  Here's where it  I got weird.  I didn't feel like going upstairs.  I hoped he would.  I whined a little about it.  I asked him if he could get it.  He told me to get it.  I whined some more.  He may have said something about the maintenance turning into a discipline spanking if I didn't get it.  Instead of feeling all tingly inside at this demonstration of dominance, I was feeling bothered.  I was also feeling conflicted, because part of me knew I wasn't right to be acting this way, and if he had decided to go get it himself, I would have been upset with him (and myself).  So what did I do?  I headed upstairs, still voicing my objection to having to do it.  I wasn't feeling in a submissive mindset, can you tell?

When I came downstairs, Kane was annoyed by what I had done and told me the spanking was fast turning into a punishment, and, at the very least, had earned me more swats, in both frequency and intensity.  Knowing he had the black hand paddle, I became upset at the thought.  I stood there trying to explain what, even to me, sounded not quite right, at least in terms of what I knew my role to be in this dynamic.  I said that now I was afraid of that paddle if he was going to apply some stronger force.  He told me I should have thought of that when I decided to whine and complain about what he told me to do.  I argued that I did do what he told me to do.  He focused on my demeanor and attitude.

What seemed confusing to me at the time was that Kane was not forcing me over his lap.  Now, I understand, from reading many blogs, that a lot of HOH's do not do that, because it is the understanding and consent of both parties that the wife will submit herself to a spanking she feels she either doesn't want or deserve because that is her role.  Some couples do it differently, and I've read where sometimes the HOH will pull his wife over his lap in the moment and swat away.

Kane and I have done it both ways.  There have been times when I've said or done something so egregious to him that there was no way I was going to get out of a spanking....not even delay it.  So right then and there, in a flash, I've been over his knee, receiving my punishment.  Sometimes I've asked him to wait for at least 15 minutes, if he was really angry.  He has done this.

Anyway, back to Thursday night.  Kane was allowing me to continue talking about it, although he did express how angry it was making him.  I eventually lay myself over his lap, and he started.  I asked if he would start with his hand, and he did.  I guess because I hadn't experienced that paddle in a long time, 3 or 4 swats into it, and I couldn't tolerate the pain.  He didn't stop (something he and I had had many discussions about......you know, where he needs to continue past my comfort zone and end when he feels he should end).  I took myself off his lap, saying I couldn't take that thing anymore.  He didn't force me back over his lap.  He told me that he was using only 25% of full force.  I said that it was like he was asking me to put my finger in a flame.  How could I willingly put myself into an intolerable situation?  I argued that he didn't know what it felt like.  He then applied it to his leg - 4 or 5 times with what he said was the same amount of force he was using on my bottom.  I wondered why I had been able to take more of that paddle months ago, even enjoying the after effects of a sore bottom and some 'nice' marks.  I wondered why he was allowing me to keep talking instead of forcing me over his lap.  I was confused.  I was upset with myself.  He rightly pointed out that my behavior was juvenile (earlier when whining about having to go upstairs) and immature.  I asked if that meant that he thought I always had to do what he asked/told me to with a willing heart.  He said he knew and understood there would be times when I wouldn't want to do certain things, but that I am not allowed to complain about doing them.  He said that is disrespectful.  I really couldn't argue with that, nor with what he said about my immature behavior.  He was right.

What had gotten into me?

I finally submitted to the rest of the spanking, and he really didn't go too hard on me.  I was relieved and a bit disappointed at the same time.  The hour was late, and Kane told me he wanted me to go to sleep.  He said that he was going to stay up a while to wind down.  I asked him if he was mad at me, and he calmly said that he was.  I understood.

The next morning, I genuinely apologized for my behavior.  I told Kane I felt I deserved a harder discipline.....the one that he had intended to administer before I went all whackadoodle on him.  He told me he would take care of it that night, and he did.  It was ok.  I deserved it.  Probably more.

Earlier in the day we went out to lunch and a movie, in celebration of our anniversary the day before.  Yep.  The day before was our anniversary.  I am so not proud of myself.

What was I thinking?

Here's what I'm coming to realize.  I have no right to make unreasonable expectations of how I think my husband should act in every situation.  He is human, just like me.  I make a ton of mistakes, yet somehow, I unfairly hold him to some higher standard.  He must always deal with me in such-and-such a manner.  Geesh, even I know that my responses aren't even consistent when he is being consistent in exhibiting his dominance.

I'm seeing that I'm even wearing myself out at times.  Even I don't want to hear myself!  Hmmm....sounds like I, perhaps still have some unresolved issues of control.

God, how does this man do it?  Why do I do this sometimes?

I can't even blame it on PMS or hormones.  I'm post menopausal.  Yes, folks, I am 55 years old and still trying to figure myself out.

Well, that's it.  That's the end of my rambling.  For now.  I've plum tuckered myself out.

Have a great day, y'all.  Sorry for the rant.

The Weekend is Here........

Here's hoping for a lovely weekend for us all  :)

Standstill

So what do you do when you find yourself and your partner, too, at yet another standstill, Dd speaking?  The consistency has fallen way back, and though my intention is not to "point a finger" at my beloved hubby.........um, the fact of the matter is, he has let the ball drop yet again.

It's like the many conversations we've had about it never happened.  I was promised a special evening last night. Kane told me on Friday that we would have a night that consisted of dancing (in our home, the way we did when we were first going out), spanking (we had not done maintenance/r/a for over a week after agreeing that I needed it 2x a week, especially to help me through this tough present situation with our daughter), and, from what I surmised, good lovin'........

I looked forward to it all day yesterday, as I went about various errands.  I was on the computer (with permission, of course), he gave the kids their medications, sent them to bed, came downstairs for a bit and shared some thoughts/emotions he was having about all that is going on right now with the kiddos, said some wonderful things to me about how much he loves me and how special I am to him.  Then he said he was going upstairs....no mention of our special night.  I said, "Don't fall asleep!", to which he said he wouldn't.  I then said, "Ok, so.....you'll come back for me when you want me?"  He said he would.

After about 45 minutes, he came downstairs and told me to come up.  He was laying in the bed, reading.  I got changed and got into bed beside him.  He started massaging my back and neck, which have been really sore lately.  I then asked him if he would brush my hair, which he did.  I just love that and find it so comforting.

He told me again how much he loves me.  We lay there. And lay there.  And lay there.  Soon he started snoring.  I kept telling him he was snoring.  He would stop briefly and it would start again.

I eventually got up to go in the living room.  He stirred and asked me where I was going.  I said I wasn't tired and was going to watch TV.  He tried telling me he had just been resting.  This same thing happened a few weeks ago and caused quite the upset.  We worked it through, I told him what I need, why it upset me, etc.  He said he understood and would work on it.

Last night I told him I did not want to argue, but that I was really disappointed.  I asked him why he didn't come and get me sooner than he did.  He said he didn't know.

I went to watch TV, trying to calm down inside.  I was not angry, just hurt and disappointed.  I couldn't believe it was happening again.

He came out a while later and sincerely apologized.  I said I needed to think about everything, because everything we had talked about the last time in terms of what we both need from TTWD didn't amount to anything.  I told him I couldn't keep getting my hopes up....that I was trusting him with my emotions/vulnerability about what it is I need from him, and when he does this, it's just too much of a letdown.

He then told me when he wanted me to come back to bed.  I told him I was upset and needed to divert myself, that I had told myself to calm down inside and I was trying to do that.  He then said I had to turn the TV off in 45 minutes, although I could stay in the living room if I wanted.  

I explained myself as best I could, and told him why I wasn't going to do as he said.  I wasn't rebellious or snarky, or even sassy.  I was just so let down.

He went to bed.  I stayed on the couch all night.

I made him his coffee this morning.  He's upstairs reading, I'm on the computer.  

I did not ask his permission.  I'm not even sure he knows.

Laughter, The Best Medicine

According to the calendar, spring has sprung.  9 days ago.  Sure hasn't felt like it, but I've decided to act as if it were truly here, hence my springy blog facelift.

After months of feeling like this.............

and this............

I decided I want (and need) more of this.........

That's where you come in!  Will you share a story of either your funniest or most embarrassing moment (whichever you're more comfortable with and think will get the most laughs).  What's more, would you post it on your blog?  Entitle it "Laughter".  I'll do the same.  We could shoot for April 1st, being April Fools.....although it doesn't leave much time to get the word out and around -- should it simply be for the entire month of April, like the March Questions?  That way people will have more time.  I'd love to know your thoughts.

Will you help me pass this on and invite others to join in?  Maybe we could make it an annual thing like LOL Day, Or March Questions....

All I know is, I could REALLY use some good belly laughs.