Standstill

So what do you do when you find yourself and your partner, too, at yet another standstill, Dd speaking?  The consistency has fallen way back, and though my intention is not to "point a finger" at my beloved hubby.........um, the fact of the matter is, he has let the ball drop yet again.

It's like the many conversations we've had about it never happened.  I was promised a special evening last night. Kane told me on Friday that we would have a night that consisted of dancing (in our home, the way we did when we were first going out), spanking (we had not done maintenance/r/a for over a week after agreeing that I needed it 2x a week, especially to help me through this tough present situation with our daughter), and, from what I surmised, good lovin'........

I looked forward to it all day yesterday, as I went about various errands.  I was on the computer (with permission, of course), he gave the kids their medications, sent them to bed, came downstairs for a bit and shared some thoughts/emotions he was having about all that is going on right now with the kiddos, said some wonderful things to me about how much he loves me and how special I am to him.  Then he said he was going upstairs....no mention of our special night.  I said, "Don't fall asleep!", to which he said he wouldn't.  I then said, "Ok, so.....you'll come back for me when you want me?"  He said he would.

After about 45 minutes, he came downstairs and told me to come up.  He was laying in the bed, reading.  I got changed and got into bed beside him.  He started massaging my back and neck, which have been really sore lately.  I then asked him if he would brush my hair, which he did.  I just love that and find it so comforting.

He told me again how much he loves me.  We lay there. And lay there.  And lay there.  Soon he started snoring.  I kept telling him he was snoring.  He would stop briefly and it would start again.

I eventually got up to go in the living room.  He stirred and asked me where I was going.  I said I wasn't tired and was going to watch TV.  He tried telling me he had just been resting.  This same thing happened a few weeks ago and caused quite the upset.  We worked it through, I told him what I need, why it upset me, etc.  He said he understood and would work on it.

Last night I told him I did not want to argue, but that I was really disappointed.  I asked him why he didn't come and get me sooner than he did.  He said he didn't know.

I went to watch TV, trying to calm down inside.  I was not angry, just hurt and disappointed.  I couldn't believe it was happening again.

He came out a while later and sincerely apologized.  I said I needed to think about everything, because everything we had talked about the last time in terms of what we both need from TTWD didn't amount to anything.  I told him I couldn't keep getting my hopes up....that I was trusting him with my emotions/vulnerability about what it is I need from him, and when he does this, it's just too much of a letdown.

He then told me when he wanted me to come back to bed.  I told him I was upset and needed to divert myself, that I had told myself to calm down inside and I was trying to do that.  He then said I had to turn the TV off in 45 minutes, although I could stay in the living room if I wanted.  

I explained myself as best I could, and told him why I wasn't going to do as he said.  I wasn't rebellious or snarky, or even sassy.  I was just so let down.

He went to bed.  I stayed on the couch all night.

I made him his coffee this morning.  He's upstairs reading, I'm on the computer.  

I did not ask his permission.  I'm not even sure he knows.