Sunday, March 30, 2014

Standstill

So what do you do when you find yourself and your partner, too, at yet another standstill, Dd speaking?  The consistency has fallen way back, and though my intention is not to "point a finger" at my beloved hubby.........um, the fact of the matter is, he has let the ball drop yet again.

It's like the many conversations we've had about it never happened.  I was promised a special evening last night. Kane told me on Friday that we would have a night that consisted of dancing (in our home, the way we did when we were first going out), spanking (we had not done maintenance/r/a for over a week after agreeing that I needed it 2x a week, especially to help me through this tough present situation with our daughter), and, from what I surmised, good lovin'........

I looked forward to it all day yesterday, as I went about various errands.  I was on the computer (with permission, of course), he gave the kids their medications, sent them to bed, came downstairs for a bit and shared some thoughts/emotions he was having about all that is going on right now with the kiddos, said some wonderful things to me about how much he loves me and how special I am to him.  Then he said he was going upstairs....no mention of our special night.  I said, "Don't fall asleep!", to which he said he wouldn't.  I then said, "Ok, so.....you'll come back for me when you want me?"  He said he would.

After about 45 minutes, he came downstairs and told me to come up.  He was laying in the bed, reading.  I got changed and got into bed beside him.  He started massaging my back and neck, which have been really sore lately.  I then asked him if he would brush my hair, which he did.  I just love that and find it so comforting.

He told me again how much he loves me.  We lay there. And lay there.  And lay there.  Soon he started snoring.  I kept telling him he was snoring.  He would stop briefly and it would start again.

I eventually got up to go in the living room.  He stirred and asked me where I was going.  I said I wasn't tired and was going to watch TV.  He tried telling me he had just been resting.  This same thing happened a few weeks ago and caused quite the upset.  We worked it through, I told him what I need, why it upset me, etc.  He said he understood and would work on it.

Last night I told him I did not want to argue, but that I was really disappointed.  I asked him why he didn't come and get me sooner than he did.  He said he didn't know.

I went to watch TV, trying to calm down inside.  I was not angry, just hurt and disappointed.  I couldn't believe it was happening again.

He came out a while later and sincerely apologized.  I said I needed to think about everything, because everything we had talked about the last time in terms of what we both need from TTWD didn't amount to anything.  I told him I couldn't keep getting my hopes up....that I was trusting him with my emotions/vulnerability about what it is I need from him, and when he does this, it's just too much of a letdown.

He then told me when he wanted me to come back to bed.  I told him I was upset and needed to divert myself, that I had told myself to calm down inside and I was trying to do that.  He then said I had to turn the TV off in 45 minutes, although I could stay in the living room if I wanted.  

I explained myself as best I could, and told him why I wasn't going to do as he said.  I wasn't rebellious or snarky, or even sassy.  I was just so let down.

He went to bed.  I stayed on the couch all night.

I made him his coffee this morning.  He's upstairs reading, I'm on the computer.  

I did not ask his permission.  I'm not even sure he knows.




16 comments:

  1. Sadie, I am sorry because you feel so hurt and disappointed at the moment. I can understand so well that you need maintenance to be able to let go, even more so in difficult times. Not to get this relief really feels like a disaster. But on the other hand, maybe Kane had a difficult time too, was tired and couldn’t help it. Hubby has had that too, came home, still busy, rarely had time for me, fell asleep, instead of spending the night with me, as I had hoped. That really sucks. I think withdrawing in these moments is almost like a reflex. And by doing that, we could also hurt our partners. Doubts, anger, disappointment, feeling let down and feeling hurt all add up to a huge burden. For us, it helps to talk things through again, to overcome distance. Sadie I hope that you and Kane find a way through this difficult time.

    Nina

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    1. Thank you, Ni Na. I'm really trying to find the balance in all of this. I hear what you're saying about talking things through and all, and we always do, in one way or another....sometimes just not as quickly as others. The thing is, I doubt that if I hadn't said anything, Kane would have realized that he let me down, even the next morning. We've had it happen before that if I don't bring something up, it doesn't get addressed (not always, of course, but on more than a couple of occasions). After a while, resentment starts to build, which, in my own defense, I believe is a natural response for anyone, male or female, in a similar situation. I appreciate your understanding and perspective, and as I said, I'm still processing. Kane and I have had a productive conversation about it and are moving forward.

      Hugs,
      Sadie

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  2. Oh Sadie....I could have written a similar version of this post concerning our Friday. HORRID, horrid horrid...In fact I am still upset about it. I was punished briefly yesterday for being disrespectful, but ....man....
    Sorry no help, just letting you know, the two of you are not unique this week in this...and btw...WINTER SCREW OFF! sorry..ahem...
    love
    willie

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    1. YEAH, SCREW OFF, WINTER!!!

      Ah, Willie, it's so good to know that we're not unique, although I'm sorry to hear you had a HORRID Friday. Thanks for your support :)

      Love,
      Sadie

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  3. I am not sure why these things happen but they do, to probably all of us. SM has definitely done this type of thing before. Either he completely forgets about our plans, gets sidetracked (like the day he decided to play in the garage all day instead of doing our day of "nice".) He has also fallen asleep many times when we planned to be together. I can't speak for your husband but I know SM is exhausted. He is overworked and has very little time to himself. Although I do get disappointed I also
    try to remind myself of the pressures he is under. Also, he used to fall asleep constantly wherever he was and then we learned he has a medical condition where he stops breathing all the time. Now he wears a c-pap machine and he has a lot more energy.

    Sorry your plans didn't happen. I hope you two will be able to get back on track soon.

    hugs
    sara

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    1. You know, Sara, I know you're right. That's the thing.....I do have compassion for how exhausted Kane is with having to deal with all the stress we're under (I'm often just as exhausted!). I just felt (and I'm not suggesting you were saying this) that I couldn't push it aside and act like it didn't happen, ya know? I couldn't find that understanding place inside of me at that moment. With all we've been through lately, I've rarely cried....don't know why, especially as the stress has been so great...but I got choked up and almost to the point of tears when I told him how disappointed and hurt I was. I told him I was not angry with him and that I understood the weight of everything we've both been under, yet I couldn't get past the let down. We talked the next day and are working things through.

      Thanks so much for your support.

      Hugs,
      Sadie

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  4. Sadie.. yes, like the others have mentioned, this has happened to me. It makes me feel so unimportant in the moment. I get up and leave, basically pouting, having a poor is me little party. Hubby has awoken to find me missing, calls me to bed, he hates when I am not there. If I tell him, I just need space, it will only make things worse and harder to reconnect. I know things are hard now in your family and you need the structure and balance with Kane, because everything else is out of control. I am sure he is just as tired and frustrated as you. Take deep breath, find your soft place, go to him and share with him your heart. To stay sperated and not talking will not solve the way you feel. Two wrongs won't make it right. Prayers to you both at this difficult time.

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    1. Catherine, you are absolutely right about Kane being just as tired and frustrated as me. I probably should have shared that I sometimes feel guilty when I'm upset that my needs are not met.

      The good thing about us is that we never stay separated for long. I hear what you're saying, although sometimes, at least for us, a little bit of needed space helps us to regroup and better able to come together again in a meaningful and productive way. We're working it through.

      Thanks so much for your support :)

      Hugs,
      Sadie

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  5. It's like whiplash, a little different here but the same sort of emotions come to the surface. I don't really have anything for you this morning but I get it.

    For what it is worth, MM and I can't "arrange" stuff like this on a regular day with all the regular pressures and work. LOL...I think we are too old and too tired. It's too much. We do better if we carve out a time where there are fewer distractions and less sleepiness. It means the times happen a lot less often but this kind of meltdown that you had is less likely to happen.

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    1. LOL I hear ya on the "too old and tired" thing. And we're older than you guys!! Unfortunately for us right now, we keep getting hit left and right with distractions beyond our control.

      Thanks, Susie. I appreciate your understanding and support. It's so nice to hear from you. :)

      Hugs,
      Sadie

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  6. Yeah, I understand how you feel Sadie. That feeling of anticipation that goes totally unfulfilled...it hurts. Maybe I shouldn't say this, it probably goes against most, but I have simply lowered my expectations. Surprisingly, when I did, my husband stepped up. I don't know if maybe he felt too pressured before and he was resisting it? I really don't know, but I'm feeling pretty good about things these days. I think I took some of the pressure off of myself at the same time. No, our version of ttwd isn't what I had imagined it would be, but so what?

    I can only imagine how exhausted and stressed you both must be right now. Take it easy on yourself and Kane too. There will be better times ahead for you both when things are a little more settled.

    Hugs, Queenie

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    1. Thank you, Queenie. I certainly don't want to be a Gestapo about Dd...LOL. (just kidding around......I do NOT think you were suggesting that!).

      The thing for me is, that in order for dominance and submission to work...to flow....both need to be actively in place, with consistency alongside them. If we women don't submit or do as we're told, our HOH's have consequences in place for us. If our HOH's are not consistent with their dominance, we women don't really have any recourse but to tell them how that affects us, and how we feel about it. A delicate balance, indeed.

      I appreciate your support :)

      Hugs,
      Sadie

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  7. Hi Sadie, not sure if I can add a lot to what has been said, but I will offer my perspective. As you know a long time ago (25 years) I asked Nina to spank me. Our version of ttwd is mainly to relieve my desire to be spanked and not a dd type of arrangement.

    Nina is a vanilla girl and has no desire to be in charge. She does a great job, being that she really does not understand the emotional needs of being spanked. And here is my point. If you do not have those needs it is impossible to truly comprehend them.

    Nina does the same thing as Kane, and Barney, and Sara’s strong man and I imagine very other spanker who is doing this at the request of their spouse. Doesn’t make it less disappointing, but I like to think the lack of spanking is not due to a lack of caring or commitment, but due to a lack of understanding. Words cannot convey the emotional depth of the need to be spanked, and for one reason or another, like Sara said, other life events rise to the forefront and win out.

    Nina and I have been doing this off and on with breaks for various reasons for a long time and all I can say is be patient and try not to take the moments of failing to spank as a rejection or a lack of commitment because I don’t believe that is the reason they fail to spank. When she does fail to come though and spank, I find it is best to approach the situation in a light hearted manner and remind Nina that she is missing out on a fun time because if I get too serious, she gets defensive and then things go downhill from there.

    There is a saying “By Perseverance the Snail Reached the Ark”. Sometimes to reach the nirvana of TTWD it seems we must be like the snail!

    Blessings,
    George


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    1. As always, George, you make such good sense. I never heard of that saying, but I like it! A snail's pace, eh? Everything else in my life is whipping by so crazily that it's a blur, but I will do my best to keep that in mind.

      "Doesn’t make it less disappointing, but I like to think the lack of spanking is not due to a lack of caring or commitment, but due to a lack of understanding."

      I'm sure you're right about that, George, and it's so good to be reminded of it. Here's my question: How do we, even after countless meaningful conversations with our spouses about why this is so important to us....in an effort to help them understand.....and then they say they do.......

      Why does it not stick with them?

      Blessings (and hugs!) to you, too.

      Sadie

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  8. Hi Sadie,
    I'm in a similar situation as George in which I'm married to a non-spanko - so I have to make myself be totally open and honest and sometimes just blunt. (I sometimes just hand my hubby my implement of choice lol)

    I don't know where Kane is coming from, but I do know that a lot of husbands have to work hard at catching up with us. And even when they have good intentions, this is still so new and so foreign that they can easily overlook things - or our crazy lives can distract them from it. But if we make ourselves communicate, then our needs get met, and they might not feel so overwhelmed or unsure.

    Here's another saying for you: Men are like waffles, women are like spaghetti (this is actually a book lol) Meaning that we can think and handle many things all at once, while the guys compartmentalize, and need to process one thing at a time. It always encourages me when I remember just how differently we women are wired than our men.

    hugs,
    Cali

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  9. Thank you, Cali. Yeah, I'm beginning to be more BLUNT...lol.

    I know what you mean where communication is concerned, it's just that I don't always want to be the one who has to initiate the talking about it......that can feel like control in some way, ya know? Ah, well, I'm still working on it. So is Kane. We've been talking more about it and working on making some changes together.

    Hugs,
    Sadie

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