Friday, December 20, 2013

The End Result & Lessons Learned

I received some really good advice in the comments I received in my last post, and I was able to go into the spanking as settled as I'd ever been.  Although concerned about not being able to reach the teary-eyed emotional release I was seeking, I wasn't anxious at all.

J started spanking with his hand and moved to a (thinnish lightweight) wooden paddle.  Perhaps because of the mindset I was in (and by that, I mean a good place -- where I was ready to accept whatever he doled out), the spanks felt comforting.  I did tell J when I felt I needed more, and he delivered.  At one point, when he realized the paddle wasn't as effective as he'd hoped, he picked up a book from the shelf and started spanking me with it.  That thing packed a wallop!  He talked a lot to me, which is what I told him I find most helpful.  Now, he was no longer mad/upset at me over the infraction that earned me the spanking, because we'd had many conversations over the past week (plus those two brief over-the-clothing spankings he had given me the same day), and he felt settled and good about the place we were in.  But he knew I needed it.  I didn't cry, but that was ok.  I know that's not something that should be forced.

So I lay over his lap for a long while -- the longest time yet spent over his knee.  We had one of our best conversations and communicated a lot to each other.  During that time, I would speak up and let him know I needed more.  At one point he (half jokingly) told me I had to say, "May I have another, please?" (emphasis on 'please', as in 'pleeaasse'.  That was humbling.  And I must have asked him 5 or 6 times.  He'd never had me do that before.  But it sure put me into submissive mode.

Lately J has requested that I wear skirts/dresses for 3 - 4 days out of the week, and I really like it.  So, while staring down at the carpet just inches from my face, I asked him if he preferred me in those instead of pants.  He told me he did.  Now if I want to wear pants, I must ask his permission.

Since the topic of asking his permission had come up, I went one step further and asked him if there was anything else besides what I already have to ask his permission for that he would like me to add to that.  I was not prepared for his answer.

You have to ask my permission before going on the internet.

What?  You're kidding, right?

No, I'm not kidding.

What made you choose THAT?

Consider it an exercise in submission (something else we'd had several conversations about).

By this time, I'd become a little whiney, but J took it in stride and answered me while laughing.  (He found this state I was in very amusing -- he knew he'd stumbled upon something very effective!).

Is this temporary?

This question got me a couple more laughs.

Honey, is this temporary?

You'll just have to wait and see.

I should have quit while I was ahead.

J laughed again.

This is a hard one for me.  I'm used to being able to just come downstairs whenever I like and check my emails, blog, etc.  The thought of having to ask and possibly be told "No, not now." was perturbing.  I could feel myself getting a bit anxious at the thought.  I did some self talk yesterday and telling myself that I should work toward really accepting this, that once I did, I would find myself in a better place.

Yesterday J and I were talking about our relationship and the many benefits TTWD has brought us.  He said he sees his role as helping me to accept the order in our relationship.  Bingo -- it made such good sense to me.  I told him about my self-talk on accepting what he told me the night before.  It was a good conversation.

J's decision to not let me know if this is temporary or not leaves me with the choice of trusting him or not.  Accepting (and by that I mean not inwardly fighting or grumbling) his decision.  If I can get there, I believe it will help me get to a deeper level of internal submission, and that is definitely worth it.

13 comments:

  1. Permission to go on line would be difficult. Yikes!
    Meredith

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    1. Yikes, indeed, Meredith! Although, I have to say, J has been very generous about my internet time. He allowed me to go online a few times yesterday. I even got to enjoy chatting with another blogger last night :)

      Sadie

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  2. Oh Sadie, the internet rule sounds hard! Luke threatened taking away internet once. When I feel things are sliding I tend to seek out posts talking about how ttwd is working and I then I just get myself into trouble. We've discussed it and he has warned if it keeps happening he might use being "grounded" from blogs as a punishment. As much as I hated hearing it I have to admit it would be effective. Bravo to you for obeying the rule! I can imagine this is a hard one but like you say bending to his authority on this will only deepen your submission.

    So glad the spanking is over and that it helps you find that soft submissive side! Clara

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    1. Oh, I'm finding my soft submissive side, alright. Now the trick is to keep it...LOL. I know what you mean about reading other posts when you feel things aren't up to par, but that can be a slippery slope.....it can lead us to believe that no one else struggles like we do, and from several of the blog posts I've read, that isn't true. It can be so frustrating, though, I know!

      J's been quite generous about my online time. I thought of you yesterday while he and I were shopping. In addition to holding his hand, J also likes it when I put my arm through his when we're out together. He playfully told me I had to keep my arm in his if I wanted his permission to go online last night -- or maybe he was serious -- I knew better than to test him! LOL

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  3. I agree with your husband, about wearing a dress, to your spanking sessions. Because like me he loves to raise a woman's dress up to her waist, then pull your panties, down to bare your bottom, for a good spanking. Possibly he also would like you to wear garter-belt and stockings, which accent your sexually erotic naked rear end. And above all, he loves to spank that voluptuous derriere of yours, blushing pink.

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    1. Hello, Six, your name sounds familiar to me -- must be I've read some of your comments to other bloggers. Thanks for stopping by, although me thinks you may have confused my post with someone else's. The type of spanking you described is not the one I wrote about, although my husband and I enjoy those kind, too. Sounds like you got a little lost in thought there; perhaps thinking of your own lovely lady?

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  4. After reading this I am left wondering if your J and my SM have been having secret meetings. lol I once asked SM the same skirt question and now I must wear skirts every day unless I ask permission to do otherwise. (Note I have pants on today so he said yes.) And I also asked if I needed to ask permission on other things and for a while he set extremely strict limits for me on the computer! (I hated it but it was a really good lesson on obedience/submission.) Since then I have earned back privileges and I only have to ask to be on the computer when he is at home. He does say no sometimes. Give your J what he asks for. He is learning to test his control just like you are learning to follow his lead. These are good steps!

    hugs
    sara :)

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    1. Hmmm......maybe J has been chatting with SM! Did the thought cross your mind, after you asked about needing to ask permission about other things, that perhaps you should have quit while you were ahead? It did mine...and I told J that while over his knee. He laughed. Oh, well, I really don't think that, because hard as it is, sometimes, it's just as you say -- J is learning to test his control, and I am learning to follow his lead. I do hope this permission for the internet thing is temporary, though!

      Thanks, Sara. Hugs to you, too :)

      Sadie

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  5. Well the stuff outside of spanking is sooooooooooooo important. It makes the spanking the exclamation point. Good for J and great for you!!!
    willie

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    1. Oh, the spanking is definitely the exclamation point. Good way of putting it, Willie!

      Sadie

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  6. I'm so glad it went well. The internet thing is going to be a big one!

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    1. Thanks, Leah. It's a biggie, alright, but I'm learning. And I still hope it's just temporary!

      Sadie

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  7. If I ask if a rule is temporary, I find myself back over his knee and a butt plug inserted. It's disrespectful to question a rule. I am to just to obey the rule until he says otherwise.

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