Monday, December 30, 2013

Fair & Reasonable Expectations


  [ek-spek-tey-shuhn]  Show IPA
the act or the state of expectingto wait in expectation.
the act or state of looking forward or anticipating.
an expectant mental attitude: a high pitch of expectation.
something expecteda thing looked forward to.
Often, expectations. a prospect of future good or profit: to have great expectations.


I've been thinking a lot about this topic since reading Kim's (R&K - Our Journey in Dd) blog post yesterday and all the helpful comments she received.  It made me think of my own Dd journey with J and the expectations we have of each other. I've asked J, on several occasions, to tell me what he expects of me as we go forth together in this journey.  By 'expectations', I don't mean rules.  Rules are fine and have their place in many couples' relationships in TTWD, but what I'm talking about is a mindset.  What does my husband expect of me? What do I expect of him?  Is it right and/or fair for us to have expectations of each other?

That would depend on what they are.  If I compare J to the other HOH's I've read about who always seem to do things right (because, of course I'm just reading a particular blog post and have no knowledge of that couple's day-to-day life), and he, being human, does not always get it right, well then, he will come up short. That will usually, if not always, lead to frustration.  Have I done this?  Yep.

If J compares me to some of the women he's either read about, or I told him about, who willingly and submissively go into their spankings, feel true remorse, and come out of it yearning to be held in their men's arms a new and renewed woman, and I, being human (oh, God, I'm soooooo human.....), don't always get it right (I can count on half a hand the # of times I may have maybe come even a little close), I will come up short.  Has he done this?  Yep.

Is this fair?  Well, you already know the answer to that.

If I get an idea in my head of just how I want J to HOH me, and he should do it exactly this way or that way, and expect him to always know just how to handle me in any given moment, well, honestly, that's kinda crazy.  Have I done it? Um.... Did I mention that I'm very human?

How about some of the unrealistic expectations we place on ourselves?  When I first stumbled onto the Taken In Hand website and started reading all the articles, and then found some blogs, I would read for hours.  All these women (and men) talked about how HOT it all was.  How it turned them on when their men would take them in hand.

I remember when it was first coming down to the nitty gritty for J and me, and we were trying to figure out how to do TTWD (actually, we're still trying to figure it out!), and it got to the point of my first punishment spanking.  I was MAD.  It HURT.  I had an ATTITUDE.  And I still felt that way after the spanking.  Well, where in God's name was that HOT turned-on feeling I had heard so much about?  
That would come later, as I began to process the whole thing....then I would read some more and get a clearer understanding of what those ladies were talking about.  It was more about the fact that their men would not let them get away with bad behavior anymore, and not the actual spanking, that was hot.  And that would lead to some pretty HOT sex, and, as I have since discovered, they're right ;-)

During the first year of this journey, and even into the second, J had some of his own delusional unrealistic expectations of his soon-to-be-submissive wife.  He thought if we had a couple of maintenance spankings here and there and an occasional punishment spanking when necessary, and I seemed all nice and soft and submissive, that somehow I would just stay that way for awhile.  We would coast. He liked how things were going, so he would step back a bit, thinking he could relax.  Poor guy.  He didn't know.  I didn't know.  Together we found out. Coasting is not good.

J and I believe there are fair and reasonable expectations we can have for each other in TTWD.  First, we each expect that the other is taking this dynamic and our role in it seriously.  We expect that when we share what's on our minds and hearts with each other about where we're at, what works and doesn't work, our hurts and concerns, etc,. the other will hold that dear to his/her heart.  We expect that the other will do his/her best to fulfill what the other needs.  We also expect that there will be missteps, on both sides, and we need to be understanding of this and extend grace where needed.

J has been much better at this than I.  In fact, it was a real bone of contention between us for a while because he is not one to harbor ill will or negative feelings....and he forgives quickly, and I, on the other hand, well....... it would often take days......and J felt I was so hard on him.  He felt I didn't give him a margin of error, but yet he gave that to me.  He was right.  Alas, I am a work in progress.

We each expect the other to be responsible for ourselves and our roles in TTWD.  While J understands I need his help, both physically and emotionally, to find, and remain in, the soft and submissive place we both would like me to be in, he does not want me to rely solely on him for that.  He wants me to grow and work toward being responsible and making good choices, to think first before speaking, especially if I sense I'm not in a good place.  And if I have a hard time doing it by myself, he would rather I go to him and tell him I need his help (yes, that may mean a spanking) than to act out.

When J and I realized what we and our marriage stood to gain by giving our best efforts to TTWD and each other, we understood, from all we researched, that it was reasonable to expect certain things from each other.

He expects me to love, respect, honor, and obey him.  I want  to do all of those things for him.  I expect him to love, cherish, take care of, and protect me.  He wants to do all those things for me.  J told me that when I am submissive and soft toward him, it increases his desire to protect me.  And ya know?  When he steps into his leadership role and takes care of and protects me, it increases my desire to be soft and submissive toward him.  

In all of these things, though, it is never about entitlement or taking each other for granted.  It's about love, gratitude, and trust.  We're choosing to trust that what we said we would do for each other, we would, to the best of our ability.  We feel we have a right to expect these things from each other because we gave our word to each other that we would.  We're learning to trust each other more and more.  We're discovering that we really do have each others' backs.

Some would say we should lower our expectations so that we won't be too disappointed.  No one likes the feeling of being let down.  I think if we're honest with ourselves, though, we'll realize that it is only natural we will come across disappointments in this journey -- with our HOH's and with ourselves.  The trick is in how we handle those disappointments.  We women are known to be too hard on ourselves....we often beat ourselves up over and over again for mistakes.  Sometimes we're too hard on our men.  Let's try harder at extending grace to them and to ourselves. 

As the new year is fast approaching, perhaps it would be a good time to review and evaluate our expectations -- get rid of the unrealistic and unreasonable ones  and start working together with our HOH's toward finding out what works best for us.  

We're all different -- and TTWD is different for each couple.  We don't have to look like anyone else; that's the beauty of it.

And you know what?  You're all beautiful to me.

God bless you all with a Happy New Year, my friends.......May 2014 hold many blessings in store for all of us!


  1. Another Dd wife and I were talking about expectations the other day. We both fully believe, and trust me she is an 'experienced' ttwder, that expectations are a necessity in ttwd/Dd. It is the driving force. THAT being said, how specific your expectations are it the key. We expect that when our husband says he is going to do something he actually will. Now WHAT and to WHAT degree is entirely up to him, not the picture we have in our minds. But we have to expect that he will, because in that sense expectation is *trust*. We trust that he will follow through

    Often it appears that people throw the word expectations around like it is such a negative thing. That a woman with expectations is at fault for stalling their relationship in ttwd. I will tell you right now, without expectation on both party's parts, you aren't going ANYWHERE. If you want to use that $%@ term journey, think of it this way, when you set off on a trip you get in your vehicle and expect to arrive at your destination. You have a map but you also have to anticipate that there may be traffic, perhaps a detour, bathroom breaks, and in our house most likely a vomiting child. However, you keep plugging forward because you expect to get to the place you want to be. I suppose expectations are your map or your GPS. Like I said though, be prepared for the GPS to suddenly tell you to 'turn left' when you wanted to go straight. THAT is the key to living successfully with expectations. The ability to modify them as the @#$% journey goes along.

    Great post Sadie...and Happy New Year!!

    1. "We expect that when our husband says he is going to do something he actually will. Now WHAT and to WHAT degree is entirely up to him, not the picture we have in our minds. But we have to expect that he will, because in that sense expectation is *trust*. We trust that he will follow through"

      Exactly, Willie. The dicey part comes when, because they are human and will make mistakes, they don't follow through. It hurts us on a deeper level because our trust has been broken. And that can lead us down the road of disproportionate responses and overreactions. I believe we should be able to go to our men when this happens and let them know how we are feeling without pointing the finger.......mmmm.....easier said than done, sometimes, at least in my experience.

      If we can 'expect' that we each will have missteps and that we will need to find new ways to handle our disappointments while keeping the lines of communication open, we'll begin to find better and healthier ways to help each other along this journey.

      Love the GPS analogy! Happy New Year!!


  2. Sounds like you have some good introspection. I can relate to the coasting thing. We have rules and a few months ago we went over them. SM decided we didn't "need" some of them anymore because I was doing good with certain ones. Well I think I need them on that list regardless. Taking them off was like a green light to say no as much as I wanted to (one of the rules is not saying no to him...)

    Anyway I hope you have a wonderful New Year ahead of you both.


    1. Yep. I hear ya, Sara. How is that going? Has SM reinstated more rules?

      Happy New Year to you and SM!!


  3. Expectations are tough. On one hand you have to have the idea of a goal in mind and something to strive towards. On the other hand, if that idea or standard is too high and unachievable we just quit in utter frustration and defeat. That has been a constant struggle for me. And honestly, it has been me not us. Luke has never had that same frustration. It was natural for him to just accept if we chose to have this in our life it would develope to fit OUR life. I had to hear that message repeatedly from Luke ( umm, and from Willie, but don't go telling her she can say I told you so)

    I guess the expectations we have now are pretty generic. We expect that we will be honest with each other even when it hurts. My last post ended with a conversation that hurt but wasn't done out of anger or meanest. It was just something that needed to be addressed. We expect that we will treat each other with respect and gratitude. Gratitude can be so easily forgotten. Yes, there are "jobs" we both do for each other and to keep a home and relationship going but when we take time to thank each other, sincerely, for doing those daily tasks; the expectation becomes more an act of love.

    Don't get me wrong, I'm human too. It could be this afternoon I read something and have the thought pass through, "I wish that was my life" "I wish Luke would act like that" But I have to remember also that when I read a post that is messy and life is not so wonderful in that person's life I can read comment after comment that says, I understand, that happened to us too, you're not alone.

    Another great thought provoking post, Sadie. (May I suggest lighthearted fluffy bunnies for the next one, lol?)

    Happy New Year,

    1. Clara, we women are so much more.......should I say 'complex'?......than men......not that that's necessarily a bad thing; after all, we're also multi-faceted :) But your point is well taken. Some things just come more natural and simple to our men while we unwittingly make it more complicated....sigh..... All this to say we really need each other's strengths to balance out our that way, we can truly complement one another.

      Yeah, life is messy sometimes. Guess if we learn to 'expect' it from time to time, maybe that will help us deal with it better? I's a thought :)

      So you want a lighthearted fluffy post with bunnies next time? I'll see what I can do ;)

      Happy New Year to you and Luke, Clara!!


  4. Hi Sadie, great post. Funny how expectations are both a blessing and also a curse. We get filled with anticipation and excitement waiting, but if it is not as we expected then follows disappointment. The answer to dealing with expectations is not in what may or may not happen, but in the attitude with which we approach the situation afterwards. Some of the best things that ever happened to me were initially a disappointment. So make rules, plot your course, and then when life throws you a curve, deal with it and move on with great fortitude and confidence expecting to knock the next one out of the park!

    Happy New Year
    Hugs and Blessings,


    1. Hi George -- so nice to hear from you!

      I couldn't agree more about what you said about the key being the attitude with which we approach the situation afterwards......and so glad you pointed out what we too often forget -- that some of the best things that ever happened to us were initially a disappointment. That's so true. What a good reminder for us all as we enter the new year.

      Speaking of 'new year', Happy New Year to you and Nina!!