Fair & Reasonable Expectations

ex·pec·ta·tion

  [ek-spek-tey-shuhn]  Show IPA

noun

1.

the act or the state of expecting: to wait in expectation.

2.

the act or state of looking forward or anticipating.

3.

an expectant mental attitude: a high pitch of expectation.

4.

something expected; a thing looked forward to.

5.

Often, expectations. a prospect of future good or profit: to have great expectations.

             -- Dictionary.com


I've been thinking a lot about this topic since reading Kim's (R&K - Our Journey in Dd) blog post yesterday and all the helpful comments she received.  It made me think of my own Dd journey with J and the expectations we have of each other. I've asked J, on several occasions, to tell me what he expects of me as we go forth together in this journey.  By 'expectations', I don't mean rules.  Rules are fine and have their place in many couples' relationships in TTWD, but what I'm talking about is a mindset.  What does my husband expect of me? What do I expect of him?  Is it right and/or fair for us to have expectations of each other?

That would depend on what they are.  If I compare J to the other HOH's I've read about who always seem to do things right (because, of course I'm just reading a particular blog post and have no knowledge of that couple's day-to-day life), and he, being human, does not always get it right, well then, he will come up short. That will usually, if not always, lead to frustration.  Have I done this?  Yep.

If J compares me to some of the women he's either read about, or I told him about, who willingly and submissively go into their spankings, feel true remorse, and come out of it yearning to be held in their men's arms a new and renewed woman, and I, being human (oh, God, I'm soooooo human.....), don't always get it right (I can count on half a hand the # of times I may have maybe come even a little close), I will come up short.  Has he done this?  Yep.

Is this fair?  Well, you already know the answer to that.

If I get an idea in my head of just how I want J to HOH me, and he should do it exactly this way or that way, and expect him to always know just how to handle me in any given moment, well, honestly, that's kinda crazy.  Have I done it? Um.... Did I mention that I'm very human?

How about some of the unrealistic expectations we place on ourselves?  When I first stumbled onto the Taken In Hand website and started reading all the articles, and then found some blogs, I would read for hours.  All these women (and men) talked about how HOT it all was.  How it turned them on when their men would take them in hand.

I remember when it was first coming down to the nitty gritty for J and me, and we were trying to figure out how to do TTWD (actually, we're still trying to figure it out!), and it got to the point of my first punishment spanking.  I was MAD.  It HURT.  I had an ATTITUDE.  And I still felt that way after the spanking.  Well, where in God's name was that HOT turned-on feeling I had heard so much about?  

That would come later, as I began to process the whole thing....then I would read some more and get a clearer understanding of what those ladies were talking about.  It was more about the fact that their men would not let them get away with bad behavior anymore, and not the actual spanking, that was hot.  And that would lead to some pretty HOT sex, and, as I have since discovered, they're right ;-)

During the first year of this journey, and even into the second, J had some of his own delusional unrealistic expectations of his soon-to-be-submissive wife.  He thought if we had a couple of maintenance spankings here and there and an occasional punishment spanking when necessary, and I seemed all nice and soft and submissive, that somehow I would just stay that way for awhile.  We would coast. He liked how things were going, so he would step back a bit, thinking he could relax.  Poor guy.  He didn't know.  I didn't know.  Together we found out. Coasting is not good.

J and I believe there are fair and reasonable expectations we can have for each other in TTWD.  First, we each expect that the other is taking this dynamic and our role in it seriously.  We expect that when we share what's on our minds and hearts with each other about where we're at, what works and doesn't work, our hurts and concerns, etc,. the other will hold that dear to his/her heart.  We expect that the other will do his/her best to fulfill what the other needs.  We also expect that there will be missteps, on both sides, and we need to be understanding of this and extend grace where needed.

J has been much better at this than I.  In fact, it was a real bone of contention between us for a while because he is not one to harbor ill will or negative feelings....and he forgives quickly, and I, on the other hand, well....... it would often take days......and J felt I was so hard on him.  He felt I didn't give him a margin of error, but yet he gave that to me.  He was right.  Alas, I am a work in progress.

We each expect the other to be responsible for ourselves and our roles in TTWD.  While J understands I need his help, both physically and emotionally, to find, and remain in, the soft and submissive place we both would like me to be in, he does not want me to rely solely on him for that.  He wants me to grow and work toward being responsible and making good choices, to think first before speaking, especially if I sense I'm not in a good place.  And if I have a hard time doing it by myself, he would rather I go to him and tell him I need his help (yes, that may mean a spanking) than to act out.

When J and I realized what we and our marriage stood to gain by giving our best efforts to TTWD and each other, we understood, from all we researched, that it was reasonable to expect certain things from each other.

He expects me to love, respect, honor, and obey him.  I want  to do all of those things for him.  I expect him to love, cherish, take care of, and protect me.  He wants to do all those things for me.  J told me that when I am submissive and soft toward him, it increases his desire to protect me.  And ya know?  When he steps into his leadership role and takes care of and protects me, it increases my desire to be soft and submissive toward him.  

In all of these things, though, it is never about entitlement or taking each other for granted.  It's about love, gratitude, and trust.  We're choosing to trust that what we said we would do for each other, we would, to the best of our ability.  We feel we have a right to expect these things from each other because we gave our word to each other that we would.  We're learning to trust each other more and more.  We're discovering that we really do have each others' backs.

Some would say we should lower our expectations so that we won't be too disappointed.  No one likes the feeling of being let down.  I think if we're honest with ourselves, though, we'll realize that it is only natural we will come across disappointments in this journey -- with our HOH's and with ourselves.  The trick is in how we handle those disappointments.  We women are known to be too hard on ourselves....we often beat ourselves up over and over again for mistakes.  Sometimes we're too hard on our men.  Let's try harder at extending grace to them and to ourselves. 

As the new year is fast approaching, perhaps it would be a good time to review and evaluate our expectations -- get rid of the unrealistic and unreasonable ones  and start working together with our HOH's toward finding out what works best for us.  

We're all different -- and TTWD is different for each couple.  We don't have to look like anyone else; that's the beauty of it.

And you know what?  You're all beautiful to me.

God bless you all with a Happy New Year, my friends.......May 2014 hold many blessings in store for all of us!