Well, tonight's the night. My gynecology appointment has come and gone (no hints of bruising left), and now I can be aptly punished for my behavior a week and a half ago. You can read about that here if you're not familiar with the story.
Believe it or not, I actually want this to happen, because I feel I deserve it. In the time that has elapsed since the day of the misdeed, J and I have talked about it on more than one occasion and have come to a better understanding. I told him that when he spanked me briefly that afternoon, his words were very effective. I hadn't felt that way during a spanking in a long time. I guess that's why, in a weird way, I'm actually looking forward to tonight. I want to feel the way I feel after a punishment spanking, which is that soft and submissive place.
I asked J if he thought he could still deliver the kind of spanking he would have given me the day of the offense had I not had the upcoming doctor appointment. He said he'd been thinking about that and he's not one to harbor offenses or hold onto things. He also said he believes he can still give me what I need. I'm afraid he might stop too soon. If he does, should I tell him I need more?
We also talked about my inability to reach a place of tears when I get spanked. I can certainly yell and plead for him to stop when the pain gets to be too much, yet I don't cry. I don't know why that is. I certainly have enough stresses that get pent up and in need of release. I asked J if that made sense to him, and he said it did, but that he didn't think it's something I should try forcing myself to do. I agree.
So I'm confused. Some women say that their HOH's words are just as, if not more, important, than the actual spanking itself. When they do finally cry, are they crying about more things than the circumstances surrounding the spanking? I have told J how important and effective his words were last week and that I need more of that. I feel I need an emotional release.
So I put the question out there: If I don't reach that place of release, should I ask J to keep spanking to see if it will happen?