I received some really good advice in the comments I received in my last post, and I was able to go into the spanking as settled as I'd ever been. Although concerned about not being able to reach the teary-eyed emotional release I was seeking, I wasn't anxious at all.
J started spanking with his hand and moved to a (thinnish lightweight) wooden paddle. Perhaps because of the mindset I was in (and by that, I mean a good place -- where I was ready to accept whatever he doled out), the spanks felt comforting. I did tell J when I felt I needed more, and he delivered. At one point, when he realized the paddle wasn't as effective as he'd hoped, he picked up a book from the shelf and started spanking me with it. That thing packed a wallop! He talked a lot to me, which is what I told him I find most helpful. Now, he was no longer mad/upset at me over the infraction that earned me the spanking, because we'd had many conversations over the past week (plus those two brief over-the-clothing spankings he had given me the same day), and he felt settled and good about the place we were in. But he knew I needed it. I didn't cry, but that was ok. I know that's not something that should be forced.
So I lay over his lap for a long while -- the longest time yet spent over his knee. We had one of our best conversations and communicated a lot to each other. During that time, I would speak up and let him know I needed more. At one point he (half jokingly) told me I had to say, "May I have another, please?" (emphasis on 'please', as in 'pleeaasse'. That was humbling. And I must have asked him 5 or 6 times. He'd never had me do that before. But it sure put me into submissive mode.
Lately J has requested that I wear skirts/dresses for 3 - 4 days out of the week, and I really like it. So, while staring down at the carpet just inches from my face, I asked him if he preferred me in those instead of pants. He told me he did. Now if I want to wear pants, I must ask his permission.
Since the topic of asking his permission had come up, I went one step further and asked him if there was anything else besides what I already have to ask his permission for that he would like me to add to that. I was not prepared for his answer.
You have to ask my permission before going on the internet.
What? You're kidding, right?
No, I'm not kidding.
What made you choose THAT?
Consider it an exercise in submission (something else we'd had several conversations about).
By this time, I'd become a little whiney, but J took it in stride and answered me while laughing. (He found this state I was in very amusing -- he knew he'd stumbled upon something very effective!).
Is this temporary?
This question got me a couple more laughs.
Honey, is this temporary?
You'll just have to wait and see.
I should have quit while I was ahead.
J laughed again.
This is a hard one for me. I'm used to being able to just come downstairs whenever I like and check my emails, blog, etc. The thought of having to ask and possibly be told "No, not now." was perturbing. I could feel myself getting a bit anxious at the thought. I did some self talk yesterday and telling myself that I should work toward really accepting this, that once I did, I would find myself in a better place.
Yesterday J and I were talking about our relationship and the many benefits TTWD has brought us. He said he sees his role as helping me to accept the order in our relationship. Bingo -- it made such good sense to me. I told him about my self-talk on accepting what he told me the night before. It was a good conversation.
J's decision to not let me know if this is temporary or not leaves me with the choice of trusting him or not. Accepting (and by that I mean not inwardly fighting or grumbling) his decision. If I can get there, I believe it will help me get to a deeper level of internal submission, and that is definitely worth it.