Fair & Reasonable Expectations

ex·pec·ta·tion

  [ek-spek-tey-shuhn]  Show IPA

noun

1.

the act or the state of expecting: to wait in expectation.

2.

the act or state of looking forward or anticipating.

3.

an expectant mental attitude: a high pitch of expectation.

4.

something expected; a thing looked forward to.

5.

Often, expectations. a prospect of future good or profit: to have great expectations.

             -- Dictionary.com


I've been thinking a lot about this topic since reading Kim's (R&K - Our Journey in Dd) blog post yesterday and all the helpful comments she received.  It made me think of my own Dd journey with J and the expectations we have of each other. I've asked J, on several occasions, to tell me what he expects of me as we go forth together in this journey.  By 'expectations', I don't mean rules.  Rules are fine and have their place in many couples' relationships in TTWD, but what I'm talking about is a mindset.  What does my husband expect of me? What do I expect of him?  Is it right and/or fair for us to have expectations of each other?

That would depend on what they are.  If I compare J to the other HOH's I've read about who always seem to do things right (because, of course I'm just reading a particular blog post and have no knowledge of that couple's day-to-day life), and he, being human, does not always get it right, well then, he will come up short. That will usually, if not always, lead to frustration.  Have I done this?  Yep.

If J compares me to some of the women he's either read about, or I told him about, who willingly and submissively go into their spankings, feel true remorse, and come out of it yearning to be held in their men's arms a new and renewed woman, and I, being human (oh, God, I'm soooooo human.....), don't always get it right (I can count on half a hand the # of times I may have maybe come even a little close), I will come up short.  Has he done this?  Yep.

Is this fair?  Well, you already know the answer to that.

If I get an idea in my head of just how I want J to HOH me, and he should do it exactly this way or that way, and expect him to always know just how to handle me in any given moment, well, honestly, that's kinda crazy.  Have I done it? Um.... Did I mention that I'm very human?

How about some of the unrealistic expectations we place on ourselves?  When I first stumbled onto the Taken In Hand website and started reading all the articles, and then found some blogs, I would read for hours.  All these women (and men) talked about how HOT it all was.  How it turned them on when their men would take them in hand.

I remember when it was first coming down to the nitty gritty for J and me, and we were trying to figure out how to do TTWD (actually, we're still trying to figure it out!), and it got to the point of my first punishment spanking.  I was MAD.  It HURT.  I had an ATTITUDE.  And I still felt that way after the spanking.  Well, where in God's name was that HOT turned-on feeling I had heard so much about?  

That would come later, as I began to process the whole thing....then I would read some more and get a clearer understanding of what those ladies were talking about.  It was more about the fact that their men would not let them get away with bad behavior anymore, and not the actual spanking, that was hot.  And that would lead to some pretty HOT sex, and, as I have since discovered, they're right ;-)

During the first year of this journey, and even into the second, J had some of his own delusional unrealistic expectations of his soon-to-be-submissive wife.  He thought if we had a couple of maintenance spankings here and there and an occasional punishment spanking when necessary, and I seemed all nice and soft and submissive, that somehow I would just stay that way for awhile.  We would coast. He liked how things were going, so he would step back a bit, thinking he could relax.  Poor guy.  He didn't know.  I didn't know.  Together we found out. Coasting is not good.

J and I believe there are fair and reasonable expectations we can have for each other in TTWD.  First, we each expect that the other is taking this dynamic and our role in it seriously.  We expect that when we share what's on our minds and hearts with each other about where we're at, what works and doesn't work, our hurts and concerns, etc,. the other will hold that dear to his/her heart.  We expect that the other will do his/her best to fulfill what the other needs.  We also expect that there will be missteps, on both sides, and we need to be understanding of this and extend grace where needed.

J has been much better at this than I.  In fact, it was a real bone of contention between us for a while because he is not one to harbor ill will or negative feelings....and he forgives quickly, and I, on the other hand, well....... it would often take days......and J felt I was so hard on him.  He felt I didn't give him a margin of error, but yet he gave that to me.  He was right.  Alas, I am a work in progress.

We each expect the other to be responsible for ourselves and our roles in TTWD.  While J understands I need his help, both physically and emotionally, to find, and remain in, the soft and submissive place we both would like me to be in, he does not want me to rely solely on him for that.  He wants me to grow and work toward being responsible and making good choices, to think first before speaking, especially if I sense I'm not in a good place.  And if I have a hard time doing it by myself, he would rather I go to him and tell him I need his help (yes, that may mean a spanking) than to act out.

When J and I realized what we and our marriage stood to gain by giving our best efforts to TTWD and each other, we understood, from all we researched, that it was reasonable to expect certain things from each other.

He expects me to love, respect, honor, and obey him.  I want  to do all of those things for him.  I expect him to love, cherish, take care of, and protect me.  He wants to do all those things for me.  J told me that when I am submissive and soft toward him, it increases his desire to protect me.  And ya know?  When he steps into his leadership role and takes care of and protects me, it increases my desire to be soft and submissive toward him.  

In all of these things, though, it is never about entitlement or taking each other for granted.  It's about love, gratitude, and trust.  We're choosing to trust that what we said we would do for each other, we would, to the best of our ability.  We feel we have a right to expect these things from each other because we gave our word to each other that we would.  We're learning to trust each other more and more.  We're discovering that we really do have each others' backs.

Some would say we should lower our expectations so that we won't be too disappointed.  No one likes the feeling of being let down.  I think if we're honest with ourselves, though, we'll realize that it is only natural we will come across disappointments in this journey -- with our HOH's and with ourselves.  The trick is in how we handle those disappointments.  We women are known to be too hard on ourselves....we often beat ourselves up over and over again for mistakes.  Sometimes we're too hard on our men.  Let's try harder at extending grace to them and to ourselves. 

As the new year is fast approaching, perhaps it would be a good time to review and evaluate our expectations -- get rid of the unrealistic and unreasonable ones  and start working together with our HOH's toward finding out what works best for us.  

We're all different -- and TTWD is different for each couple.  We don't have to look like anyone else; that's the beauty of it.

And you know what?  You're all beautiful to me.

God bless you all with a Happy New Year, my friends.......May 2014 hold many blessings in store for all of us!

Calling All Bloggers -- Your Input Most Appreciated!

I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas and are now enjoying the much-needed recouping time.  J and I had our best Christmas yet, including a very nice visit from out-of-town relatives.  Today we're chillin'  :)

Anyway, I'm working on a post that's been on my mind for a while, and I would love to hear your thoughts and opinions.  It's about authenticity and our willingness/ability to be our authentic selves here in blogland, a challenge, at the very least.  I have many of you to thank for the inspiration, as I'm seeing firsthand through your example, that when you step out of your comfort zones and risk sharing, the caring, support, and encouragement you receive is overwhelmingly affirming.  I find myself more willing to take the risk.

Please feel free to share your thoughts and/or experiences in the comment section here, or via email, whichever you prefer. Commentors' (those without blogs) and lurkers' thoughts are most welcome, too!

I am really looking forward to hearing from you.  I have learned so much from you already  :)

"Vulnerability is the only authentic state.  Being vulnerable means being open, for wounding, but also for pleasure.  Being open to the wounds of life means also being open to the bounty and beauty.  Don't mask or deny your vulnerability:  it is your greatest asset.  Be vulnerable:  quake and shake in your boots with it.  The new goodness that is coming to you, in the form of people, situations, and things can only come to you when you are vulnerable, i.e. open."

--Stephen Russell, Barefoot Doctor's Guide to the Tao:  A Spiritual Handbook for the Urban Warrior

'Tis The Season To Think Twice About Being Naughty Or Nice

                   

So what do you think of the early Christmas gift J decided to give me the other day?  He made it himself and is quite pleased with his creation.  He traced his own hand for the top portion.  You'll notice the second pic  shows some soft furry material.  That's the flip side.  A day or two earlier, J accidentally let the cat out of the bag when he left a picture up on the computer of a couple of wooden implements.  Now, he had been spending a good deal of time in our garage making some really cute and wonderful Christmas decorations.  Pleased with the results, he decided he'd try his hand (pun intended) at making his own implement.  So I (half jokingly) asked him to put some soft padding on it.  Hmmm........is this the part where I'm supposed to say how proud I am of him for his creativity?

The next day I was feeling kind of punky, a bit out of sorts (well, actually, more than just a bit).  I was worried about something that had nothing to do with J or that paddle.  It was a legitimate concern, and I told J how I was feeling.  He listened and offered me his understanding and comfort, and also a reminder that I am not to allow it to cause me to take it out on him with any snark, snip, or disrespect.  Who, ME?  Okay, I admit he had a point.  Amazing how well our men know us, isn't it?  Sometimes better than we know ourselves.

As the day went on, I did manage to avoid being snarky and disrespectful, but J felt I was teetering on the line.


J:  C'mon, darling, we need to try this out.

S:  Oohhh, why?

He told me.

S:  But that thing is so THICK!

J:  It has a soft side, remember?

S:  Hmmm.


So I did as I was told and lay over his knee.  I asked him to start out slowly, which he did.  Let me tell you, that bad boy is powerful.  This being the first time using it, and especially that I hadn't actually acted out, J was careful to use less strength than he might otherwise.  He told me that he was using 25% of his strength. Yikes......

J's words during this time were comforting, as he told me he could see I was not myself, and he wanted to assure me he is always looking out for me and protecting me.  He said this spanking was a preventive one, a reminder that I didn't need to go down that old familiar road I've gone down many times before when I was upset/worried/or fill in the blank.  He said that was my pattern, and I knew he was right.

I handled the spanking quite well, if I do say so myself.  Even at 25%, though, let me tell you, that thing packs a wallop.


Ooh, that hurts, Honey.

No response, just

Smack, smack, smack, smack, smack, smack, smack, smack, smack, smack smack.

He stopped and rubbed my bottom a bit, and then resumed.

Ow, ow, ow, Honey......that really hurts!

Smacking continues.

S:  Babe, REALLY!

More rubbing, then

Smack, smack, smack, smack, smack.

And finally, he was done.


I guess he was paying attention when I told him he needs to go longer and harder during our spanking sessions.

J finished when HE felt it was time, which, I guess know..........sigh............is the way it's supposed to go.  Hadn't I read that somewhere everywhere?

Remember those little dotted bruises I was concerned my doctor might notice last week?  Those were nothing compared to the matching ovals I'm now sporting on each cheek.  We were both really surprised by those, as the way J spanked wasn't any harder than when he's spanked me with his hand or leather paddle. While bruising doesn't bother me, J really doesn't like it -- it's hard for him to look at (while, truth be told, I check it out every day with my little hand-held mirror and in some kind of weird and twisted way, admire his handiwork), although he does apply the Arnica when needed.  I guess the remedy might be that my bum needs to be better prepped and primed in order to better handle The Black Hand (as J has so aptly named it).

This was the first time I've received a preventive spanking, something we had talked about, though, a couple of times.  Afterward, I did, indeed, feel taken care of, protected, and well loved.

Now I'm sure all of you are going to be OH-SO-GOOD during this wonderful season.  Maybe my story is a little reminder?

Merry Christmas to all my blogging friends, commenters, and lurkers!!!  Speaking of lurkers, I started this blog after Love Our Lurkers Day 8, so please don't feel you have to wait a year before leaving a comment. I'd love to hear from you anytime  :)

The End Result & Lessons Learned

I received some really good advice in the comments I received in my last post, and I was able to go into the spanking as settled as I'd ever been.  Although concerned about not being able to reach the teary-eyed emotional release I was seeking, I wasn't anxious at all.

J started spanking with his hand and moved to a (thinnish lightweight) wooden paddle.  Perhaps because of the mindset I was in (and by that, I mean a good place -- where I was ready to accept whatever he doled out), the spanks felt comforting.  I did tell J when I felt I needed more, and he delivered.  At one point, when he realized the paddle wasn't as effective as he'd hoped, he picked up a book from the shelf and started spanking me with it.  That thing packed a wallop!  He talked a lot to me, which is what I told him I find most helpful.  Now, he was no longer mad/upset at me over the infraction that earned me the spanking, because we'd had many conversations over the past week (plus those two brief over-the-clothing spankings he had given me the same day), and he felt settled and good about the place we were in.  But he knew I needed it.  I didn't cry, but that was ok.  I know that's not something that should be forced.

So I lay over his lap for a long while -- the longest time yet spent over his knee.  We had one of our best conversations and communicated a lot to each other.  During that time, I would speak up and let him know I needed more.  At one point he (half jokingly) told me I had to say, "May I have another, please?" (emphasis on 'please', as in 'pleeaasse'.  That was humbling.  And I must have asked him 5 or 6 times.  He'd never had me do that before.  But it sure put me into submissive mode.

Lately J has requested that I wear skirts/dresses for 3 - 4 days out of the week, and I really like it.  So, while staring down at the carpet just inches from my face, I asked him if he preferred me in those instead of pants.  He told me he did.  Now if I want to wear pants, I must ask his permission.

Since the topic of asking his permission had come up, I went one step further and asked him if there was anything else besides what I already have to ask his permission for that he would like me to add to that.  I was not prepared for his answer.

You have to ask my permission before going on the internet.

What?  You're kidding, right?

No, I'm not kidding.

What made you choose THAT?

Consider it an exercise in submission (something else we'd had several conversations about).

By this time, I'd become a little whiney, but J took it in stride and answered me while laughing.  (He found this state I was in very amusing -- he knew he'd stumbled upon something very effective!).

Is this temporary?

This question got me a couple more laughs.

Honey, is this temporary?

You'll just have to wait and see.

I should have quit while I was ahead.

J laughed again.

This is a hard one for me.  I'm used to being able to just come downstairs whenever I like and check my emails, blog, etc.  The thought of having to ask and possibly be told "No, not now." was perturbing.  I could feel myself getting a bit anxious at the thought.  I did some self talk yesterday and telling myself that I should work toward really accepting this, that once I did, I would find myself in a better place.

Yesterday J and I were talking about our relationship and the many benefits TTWD has brought us.  He said he sees his role as helping me to accept the order in our relationship.  Bingo -- it made such good sense to me.  I told him about my self-talk on accepting what he told me the night before.  It was a good conversation.

J's decision to not let me know if this is temporary or not leaves me with the choice of trusting him or not.  Accepting (and by that I mean not inwardly fighting or grumbling) his decision.  If I can get there, I believe it will help me get to a deeper level of internal submission, and that is definitely worth it.

My Comeuppance

Well, tonight's the night.  My gynecology appointment has come and gone (no hints of bruising left), and now I can be aptly punished for my behavior a week and a half ago.  You can read about that here if you're not familiar with the story.

Believe it or not, I actually want this to happen, because I feel I deserve it.  In the time that has elapsed since the day of the misdeed, J and I have talked about it on more than one occasion and have come to a better understanding.  I told him that when he spanked me briefly that afternoon, his words were very effective.  I hadn't felt that way during a spanking in a long time.  I guess that's why, in a weird way, I'm actually looking forward to tonight.  I want to feel the way I feel after a punishment spanking, which is that soft and submissive place.

I asked J if he thought he could still deliver the kind of spanking he would have given me the day of the offense had I not had the upcoming doctor appointment.  He said he'd been thinking about that and he's not one to harbor offenses or hold onto things.  He also said he believes he can still give me what I need.  I'm afraid he might stop too soon.  If he does, should I tell him I need more?

We also talked about my inability to reach a place of tears when I get spanked.  I can certainly yell and plead for him to stop when the pain gets to be too much, yet I don't cry.  I don't know why that is. I certainly have enough stresses that get pent up and in need of release.  I asked J if that made sense to him, and he said it did, but that he didn't think it's something I should try forcing myself to do. I agree.

So I'm confused.  Some women say that their HOH's words are just as, if not more, important, than the actual spanking itself.  When they do finally cry, are they crying about more things than the circumstances surrounding the spanking?  I have told J how important and effective his words were last week and that I need more of that.  I feel I need an emotional release.

So I put the question out there:  If I don't reach that place of release, should I ask J to keep spanking to see if it will happen?

A Delicate Question

I've been wondering about whether or not to post about this, but I've reached a point where my need to know is greater than my embarrassment, so here goes:

Would anyone mind sharing an experience or two they've had with butt plugs?  I've tried it a couple of times, but never for discipline.  The problem is, they......ahem......slide right out of me.  I have the silicone kind, and nothing I do seems to keep it in place.  Even the larger size falls out.  

I've read about some husbands make their wives wear them for a period of time to remind them of their submission, and I recently brought up the idea to J.  Seems like it would be a real humble reminder, alright.  I would love to hear from anyone who uses it for this purpose and how effective you feel it is.


The kind I have is similar to this one:

Any suggestions?

Dr. HOH

I've been checking on my bruises each day to see if they're fading enough for me to feel reasonably comfortable when I go to my gynecologist appointment on Monday.  Can 'comfortable' and 'gynocologist' be in the same sentence together?  What woman ever feels comfortable going to the gynecologist, even without worrying about the state of her bum?  J and I were both surprised that I even bruised at all, because he had spanked me over my clothes (well, he may have lifted my skirt at one point, but my tights and panties stayed up), and even though the swats were quite hard, he didn't spank too long because he knew of my appointment.  That was on Sunday.

The bruises aren't very big at all, and this time there are a couple that ended up in a weird spot which doesn't really make sense with the way he spanked me.  One is the size of a nickel and is right in the spot where my two cheeks meet -- yep -- just slightly to the right of the dividing line (aka the butt crack...lol).  There were two other much smaller dots along there on the left side, too, but they're gone now.  How those even formed the way they did is beyond me because of the way J spanked.  He spanked me with his hand only, yet the one bruise looks like a thumbprint.  There was also a little bruising on my left upper cheek.

Anyway, since tomorrow is Saturday, I knew today had to be the day to decide whether to go forth with my appointment on Monday or call to reschedule, since the office policy is to give 24 hours' notice of cancellation.

This morning, as I was doing a self-inspection, I could only see my backside from the hand mirror I was holding.  I needed to know how it would look from the doctor's viewpoint.

Honey, I'm gonna need your help, please.  In case these bruises are not gone by Monday, I need to know if the doctor will be able to see them.  You be the doctor, and I'll set myself up on the bed, OK?

Sure.

First I need to know if when I'm sitting up like this, is that one bruise visible?

J walked around the bed until he was behind me.

Nope.

Are you sure?

Honey, I can't see anything at all.

OK.  Now I have to lay down and position myself as if I were on an examining table, stirrups and all.  You need to be at eye level, Honey.

J knelt down.

Wait a minute, I have to scooch down toward the edge of the bed.  The doc always tells me to scooch down.

OK -- I'm ready.

Can't see anything, my darling.

Are you sure?  Wait, just to be on the safe side, I'll lift my legs higher and wider apart.  How 'bout now?

Still nothing.  I think you're safe.

I thanked my Honey for his thorough inspection, for which he told me I would soon be receiving his fee  ;-)

We laughed about it and got ready for the day.

Later on in the afternoon, J recalled the scene and started laughing again.

You know, you just can't make this stuff up.......

Yep -- TTWD is quite the adventurous journey, isn't it? 

Punishments, Gyno Appointments, Et Al

I've been working on a post about something that happened the other day and spilled over into yesterday and today.  I hope to publish it tomorrow.

In the meantime, I'll just say for now that I have a discipline spanking coming my way.  I did get spanked twice yesterday, but it was a lighter and shorter version over my clothes.  The reason for this is I have an upcoming appointment with my gynecologist next week, and for that reason, hard spankings that could (unintentionally) leave bruising need to be put on hold.

I'm wondering how you other ladies handle this?  Although J never wants to cause bruising, it has happened at times.  I'm totally ok with that, as I bruise easily, but it really bothers J when it happens.

Has anyone ever had to put off an appointment with their doctor for fear of having marks noticed?  I've sometimes wondered about what would happen in the event of an accident and being taken to a hospital and having some markings discovered.  I've thought about saying something like,

Well, my husband and I are into erotic spanking.

Would that suffice, do you suppose?

Has this ever happened to anyone?  If so, would you mind sharing how you handled it?

Also, have you ever had to have a punishment spanking put off for a while?  If so, was it still effective?  I know there are other alternatives, such as a certain cream for sore muscles (aka 'the silent spanking') or loss of privileges, but J hasn't said anything about any of that, and I don't want to suggest it because I'm afraid he'll revoke my blogging privilege for a day or more!