A Little Comic Relief

One morning last week (or was it the week before?), during the early morning darkness, Kane and I had awoken and started talking.  It wasn't long before the topic of the situation with our daughter came up.  We are presently involved and dealing with a host of professionals, many of whom do not share our belief that our daughter is not safe at home and are working fervently against us. So I got a bit fired up.  As we continued talking, my anger at the system came right to the surface, and I started talking to all of 'them' as if they were there (kind of like......"Take THAT, you SO AND SO").....get the picture?  Does anyone else ever have imaginary conversations, or am I the only one?

So I got on my soapbox, while Kane listened and watched with amusement ('course, this isn't the first time he's witnessed me doing this).  I started spouting some choice expletives in my passionate rant, and my loving husband understood my need to do this. First of all, I would NEVER speak that way to him, and I also would never speak that way to anyone in a REAL conversation.  He knew this.

At one point, I shot straight up in bed, arm raised in the air, finger pointing for emphasis, and continued.

Blah blah blah blah......Take THAT, you %&!#*'s.  And if you think you're gonna take US down, well you got another thing comin' to ya.  &*%^$ you!!!

After I was done, I lay back down.  Kane quickly turned me over and started smacking my bottom.  It was still dark.  I asked him what he was doing.  He told me he likes when I am sassy and feisty when I need to be in certain situations, and then said (what he's said before), "as long as you're not sassy and feisty toward me."  The man was speaking from past experience -- not recent past experience, mind you, but past experience, nonetheless.  And to reiterate, he was speaking of my attitude, not the actual words, because we do not speak that way to each other. 



Well, I'm not being sassy and feisty toward you -- you know that.

"I know.  And this is a reminder for you not to be."

Oh, so this is a pre-emptive spanking?

Mm hmmm.

Guess there's a first time for everything.  And I felt a whole lot better -- 

1.   for having been able to vent and release some pent-up tension

and

2.  having been taken care of by my attentive and caring husband

Hope that made you laugh a bit.  We sure did  :-P

This Too Shall Pass

It's going to take quite a while to find our way out of this maze, but eventually we will.  In the meantime, we have been buoyed by the love and support of many dear family and friends, and that includes you all here in Blogland.

Not much new to report, except things are not going in the direction we'd hoped, but of this we are confident:  there will be resolution in one way or another.

Update.....More Waiting

The court date we had been awaiting has been rescheduled.  As it turns out, this is a good thing where Kane and I are concerned.  It had only just come to our attention on Thursday that additional information concerning our daughter's illness would most likely prove advantageous to our case.  This will require more research and will involve my composing and compiling several documents, and had our court date not been rescheduled, there would not have been enough time to do it the justice it requires.  In addition, I came down with a nasty head cold on Thursday and felt miserable and spent the weekend in bed.

I would have given it my best shot, of course, but now we have three weeks' time in which to get it accomplished.  God works in mysterious ways..........  To say that I am relieved would be an understatement, to say the least.

Thank you all for your continued support  :)


From Kane:

Thank you to all those who have given advice and an ear to lean on during an extremely stressful time in our lives. What a week it has been, first I get a cold and then I hand it off to Sadie. She took care of me when I was sick and I got to return the favor yesterday. Suffice it to say we have taken a hiatus for a few days from the dynamic, but we are both on the mend and I am feeling HOH-y again.

Back to our situation:  everything is on hold for now due to circumstances beyond our control. Things being delayed is a good thing because now we can regroup and get all our paperwork in order. As Sadie has so eloquently written in her latest post, the mental health care system in our country is broken. I know all those in blog land have no idea who we are, but we are good people. I love our daughter as if she were my own biological child; people have commented that we even look alike. She is mentally ill.  This is not a subjective statement; it is a fact. Some of this is biochemical, neglect in the birth home, and adolescence.  We cannot ensure her safety or ours if she were to come home now. This breaks our hearts, as we have tried so hard to get her the help she so desperately needs, but the system doesn't care about this. Their agenda is clear -- get the child back in the home and write her off their case list. This is due to the fact that there are not enough services available to meet the need.  We cannot control the system, only prepare ourselves for any eventuality. 

I can control one thing -- when Sadie gets another spanking, and I have a hankering for a spankering. I am going to work out after I write this, have to get my spanking arm in shape again. Thank you to all who have given and shown your support and kept us in your prayers; it means a lot to us.

Kane    

Waiting

I've had various ideas in my head for posts this past week -- even started one that is now in my draft folder.  They'll have to wait, however, as I find myself very preoccupied and drained of energy.

Kane and I have a situation regarding one of our children, and for now, things are in limbo.

A decision will be rendered not too long from now (this week, in fact) regarding our daughter and her future placement.  I can't go into much detail, for obvious reasons, but suffice it to say it's been a very stressful time this past year, especially the past month.

This daughter struggles with mental illness, stemming back to the time she lived with her biological mother before coming to live with me and my family and eventually being adopted.

Her illness has worsened over time (she is in her teens), and she is not safe to be at home.  She needs to be in a therapeutic treatment facility.  The problem is our mental health system is in a terrible state of disrepair, and getting the help for our daughter that she needs has been extremely difficult.  Kane and I are dealing with a system that is fighting us on this issue.

There was a segment that aired on 60 Minutes two weeks ago that highlighted this problem.  If you have a few minutes, this will shed some light on what we've been going through.  If you don't have time now, the link, for future reference, is

http://www.cbsnews.com/news/mentally-ill-youth-in-crisis/

Anyway, that's where it's at for us right now.  Life seems as if it's on hold.  Kane and I are doing well, I'm glad to say........I don't know what I'd do without him.

A Word From Kane

*I changed the font color from blue to white, as a friend told me it was a bit difficult against the purple background*


Kane asked me to share this (written yesterday) with you all:

Hello everybody,

I am sitting here watching the basketball game while my wonderful wife is upstairs watching T.V. There are some of you that are aware of our story with our younger children, (my step-children) and the last several months have been incredibly stressful for us. One of the things that has gotten us through this period has been our participation in TTWD. It has taken me a period of 3 plus years to really understand what all this is about; a long time but well worth the effort. I am a man who likes to lead from upfront and be in control; I am an alpha male.

I was raised by an old school type of father - he was 53 years old when I was born, a product of the Great Depression. He taught me about respect and boy did I learn my lesson at 12 years old. I told my mother to go get me a drink of milk, he rushed over to me, lifted me off the ground with one of his strong hands wrapped around my shirt and said " that is your mother, not your maid." Needless to say I learned my lesson to always treat my mother and really any woman with respect. My father never hit me or put his hands on me again, lesson learned...

When my wife and I started off in this dynamic I struggled with that fine line of being taught to respect and protect women, especially your wife and having to discipline her when you feel she has crossed the line. I was very confused to say the least; am I not supposed to protect my wife? Now I have to spank someone who is my equal in every way; doesn’t this go against everything I have been taught?  What a struggle, how did I get into this and do I really think I can be a spanko?

Well, suffice it to say loud and proud, I AM A SPANKO! What a crazy world this is, but I digress. My wife is a strong-willed person. She is many things: intelligent, caring, loving, giving and much more. My best friend, (with benefits) the only person in the world I trust 100% and she tells me my magic tricks and woodworking projects are good and she says this with great inflection in her voiceJ The one thing she needs, someone even more strong-willed than her. A man who will respect her, love her and of course lead her. I can finally say that the dynamic is natural, it's part of our everyday lives. It heightens my awareness to what she needs; what we need in our relationship. I take it as an honor that she trusts me enough with this gift; she wouldn’t give the reins over to just any man. My wife needs to know that I won't back down when she is stressed or disrespectful. I will give a maintenance spanking when she is out of sorts and I will issue the discipline spanking if she crosses the line. It has taken me a few years to understand my role in all this. I know I am not a domineering type, but I now get that when I am dominant, my wife feels safer and more secure. I love to protect her, It's an incredible feeling when I know she feels protected, I get so much from her when she is in this place.

Working Our Way Back to Each Other

Sometimes, things take time to get worked out.  And not always in the time frame we'd like.

Since the incident I wrote about in my last post, Kane and I tried discussing what happened on two occasions.  Neither went well.  We needed more time.

This morning, while I was at a couple of appointments, he wrote this down.  We don't often communicate this way, but every once in a while, it proves to be a cathartic experience, and this time was no exception.

With Kane's permission, here is what he wrote (it was he who chose the red text):

My Darling,

I have been thinking about this a lot over the last two days, and I am beginning to see that maybe it's me who has the blinders on. I really didn’t have any bad intentions when I made the statement about not talking about the kids exclusively. I just wanted to protect you because I have been concerned about you over the last several days. You have done a tremendous job in talking with all the different professionals where the kids are concerned. I AM very PROUD of you.

Is it my stubbornness coming through this time? More than likely. I am examining how I say things to you. I will not make any excuses. You have clearly told me over time how my tone and inflection make a difference in how express myself to you and the kids. It is something I will really try to change for the future. You have made great strides in the changes you have made in how you express yourself to me and all you are asking me is to do the same. I don’t think that is a lot to ask; this is yet another thing I will change to honor you as you have honored me as a very giving wife.

I love you very much my dear and would do anything to love, honor and protect you.

After reading it, I immediately went to him and we hugged.  I thanked him and told him how his words reached right through to my heart.  I love this man with all my heart and soul and knew that we would eventually work this out, but it was really tough on both of us going through it.

As we dug deeper, we were able to talk about the how's and why's, and what we need from each other, which I'll most likely share in another post, as I hope it will be helpful to others going through something similar.  Who knows?  Maybe I'll be able to talk Kane into posting something.....

Thank you so much for all your support  :)

When It Doesn't Feel Good

When things are running smoothly, it's easier to take time to consider and appreciate my husband's fine qualities and traits.  I've been making more mental notes recently to try to remember to tell him these positives and to sincerely complement him.  I don't always succeed at this.  Sometimes  Often it's easier to focus on the negatives, on those things they do (or don't do) that upset, annoy, or hurt us.

Then we have those days where we seem to be on opposite pages, or even in different books entirely.  Kane and I run into this from time to time in the area of intent and emotions.

He'll say something, and it can come across in a way that he denies ever intending, and vice versa.  I will often point out that tone and voice inflection are very important and play a huge part in effective communication.  Of course, so does facial expression and body language, and that's where I get into trouble sometimes.

This happened to us yesterday while out together shopping and running errands.

We've both been under a lot of stress lately, due to situations regarding some of our children.  You can read about it here, if you don't know the story.

This past week I felt the effects of the stress we've been under more than usual.  Kane could see it, and expressed his concern on more than one occasion.  Yesterday, as we were talking about various aspects of it, he told me that, if I talked to any of my friends about the topic, he didn't want me to talk exclusively about it.    

I don't do that.  I always ask my friends about themselves and their families and give them plenty of time to talk. 

My dear, don't get defensive.  I see how stressed you've been, how you've  not really been yourself, and I just want to help you.

Do you think I don't know not to talk exclusively about my problems/situations with people?  I don't do that.

Kane was irritated by my response.  I tried to explain how it came across, but he strongly disagreed.  He said I was taking it the wrong way, that I was being too sensitive.  I continued to try to tell him why it came across to me the way I did, but he didn't see it.  We tried to move on. 

 One of the stops we needed to make along the way was the post office to make a photocopy of something we needed to include in a packet we were dropping off at a local business.  Our printer had just run out of ink that morning, so I couldn't make the copy myself.  I had let Kane know about it, as well as the fact that we'd need to have a copy made while we were out.

I thought he heard me.  I believe he made a sound that I interpreted as acknowledgment at the time.  We were in the same room, a few feet apart from each other.

So as we were in the car, and I reminded him that we had to make the copy, he said something that made me readily understand that he hadn't heard me -- or listened to me.  Included in what he said was a sigh, one that I interpreted as frustration, something to the effect that had he known about it before we left home, he could have switched the ink from 'black' to 'color' and done it there.  

Anyone care to take a guess as to how I was feeling at the moment?

I quickly responded that I had told him and thought that he had heard me.  He felt I was being defensive.  He said that I'd been on edge all morning and also during the week.  He said he was not going to walk on eggshells.  Eggshells?  To me, this one had nothing to do with eggshells.  I was annoyed because he clearly had sounded frustrated about not knowing about the ink running out.  He said he was not directing anything at me, just making a statement.

As I was the only other person in the car, I told him that it was logical to assume he was speaking to me.

The whole thing went from bad to worse when he said, rather loudly, that I'd made him feel stupid.

Holy Moly.  Seriously?  I could not understand how he didn't see how he'd come across to me, even if it hadn't been his intention.  I thought that if I explained it, he would be able to see how I could have arrived at the conclusion I did.

Kane had given me a maintenance spanking earlier in the morning, and now he was saying that he should have given me more.

He got out of the car to go into a store.  I stayed behind.

Next we headed for the post office.  Kane went inside to make the copy.  We made two more stops and headed for home....quietly.  I had an appointment to go to as soon as we got home and another one directly after that.

I got home about 6pm.  Kane came in a few minutes after me with our daughter, who he'd just picked up from her after-school program.  He headed directly downstairs, where he remained for quite a while doing some of his woodworking.  That was fine with me, because I just wanted to relax after supper.  I watched a little TV with my daughters, and they went to bed.  I settled in nicely on the couch to watch some more TV.  I did not feel like discussing what had happened any further, and apparently, neither did Kane.  I felt like being by myself.  I was upset, but too tired and drained to want to do anything about it.  I chose the quiet route.

Much later, Kane came upstairs and told me to come to bed.  I was right in the middle of a movie, so he said I could finish it and come to bed after it ended.

We woke up, and the day went on.  I had no interest in talking to Kane, and it was pretty evident.  While he did not bring up what happened yesterday, he did make some unrelated remarks throughout the day and asked my opinion on the projects he was working on.  I answered when spoken to, but that was pretty much it.  The thing is, I don't really feel angry.  I'd say I'm probably feeling more frustrated than anything else......well, that.....and sad.

Earlier tonight my son came over for dinner, and afterward, the three of us played a game.  We had a nice time.  After he went home, I mentioned that I would like to go back on the computer, as I hadn't had much time on it earlier, and Kane ok'd it.

I've been down here for a couple of hours.  He's since gone to bed.  When I finish up here, I'm going to watch some TV on the couch.  I'll go to bed only if Kane comes out to the living room and tells me to.

I don't feel stressed or anxious about the state we're in.  I am not feeling submissive (in case you haven't guessed), and I have no desire to any time soon.

The fact that Kane has chosen not to bring up what happened yesterday is unusual and a little confusing.  I don't doubt we'll talk more about it eventually, but I've no real interest in doing so any time soon.  I am feeling disconnected, but the thought of a reconnection spanking holds no appeal to me right now.  I don't know if it would work.

Am I feeling apathetic?  I'm not sure.  Maybe.

I know I'll have to work through this, and I will.  But right now I'm just so tired.