A Walking Dichotomy

For those of you who have read a few of my whiny posts about spankings and know what a wimp I am, one look at my new header and you'll know why I chose the title of this post.

I dunno, I feel as if I'm teetering on the edge.....no, not of a breakdown (at least not yet...lol), but kinda dancing on the line between not wanting painful spankings and well.....finding myself wanting some painful spankings.  Not for the pain, mind you.  I hate pain.  No, I need what it will bring me.

Maybe I find myself here because of all that's going on in my life right now.  The situation is nearing a conclusion, and I liken it to running away from the flames that seek to devour you and moving forward, even though the journey will press and squeeze you on every side.  You can't stand still.  Not yet.  You have no choice but to go forward, knowing you will encounter much sorrow and pain as you do, yet hanging onto your faith that God will see you through.

Resolution?  I don't know if I can call it that.  Extremely tough decisions to make.  Decisions that, while you sadly understand and accept that it is the only choice you have, still cause you deep sorrow.  Holding onto the hope that one day, good will come from all of this.

I guess it's not so hard to understand after all, the wanting some hard spankings, that is.  I'd rather feel that pain than what I'm feeling now and will only get worse before it gets better.

Keep calm and spank me hard, Kane.  Help me get my mind on something else, if only for a while.

MIA

Added 4/25/14:

I forgot to mention that I did finally reply to the comments on my last post!


For those that commented on my last post, I feel I owe you an apology.  I hate not replying to comments.  I always want to let those who take the time to do so know that I really appreciate what they have to say.  Thank you all for your words of encouragement and for making me feel a little less foolish and definitely not alone!  The other thing is, I sometimes worry that I'm going to come across as too .... well..... you know..........

Life, as they say, has been, well...........what do you say that doesn't sound like a cliche?  Oh-so-busy, overwhelming, hectic, blah blah blah.  But really, it has.  Some days it's about managing to keep my head above water.  I haven't had time to leave comments on other blogs, which also bothers me.  I have been reading when I can, and sending out good thoughts and prayers.  I haven't been on my computer as much lately.

I've been working on learning some new relaxation techniques.  I'm not too good at relaxing.  

Some of the things I find relaxing are............

I know that taking a nice hot bath is supposed to be relaxing, and I've tried that, many times.  After I fill the tub with the water as hot as I can take it, and get my bubbles going, I step in, ever so carefully.  Sit down veeerrryyy slowly.  Ahhhhh............  Sometimes I even light a candle.  And I've been known to bring a little drinkie poo in with me from time to time....  That definitely helps me stay in the tub longer...lol.

Sounds heavenly, doesn't it?  My problem is, after about 10 - 15 minutes, I start sweating.  It's too hot in there!  So I get out.  A friend recently told me to make myself stay in the tub....add some cold water to make it just right, and do my best to enjoy it.  I want  to enjoy it, believe me, but my mind is so full that I can't seem to quell them, even temporarily.  Sigh.  I have tried adding the cold water, and I am making myself stay in longer.

I've been trying to practice some mindfulness.  I would love to be just simply in the moment sometimes, you know?  Easier said than done, but then again, I'm not one who's easily daunted by challenge.  Sigh again.

I love this community and am so glad to be a part of it.  I worry sometimes that when I can't reply to comments as quickly as I'd like or leave comments on posts I've read that you'll think me inconsiderate, for one, and uncaring, for two.  I care a whole lot.  About so many of you.  You've helped me grow in more ways than one, and for that I am grateful.

I'm really hoping that Kane and I will have a healthy resolution to our situation with two of our kiddos soon.  To keep going the way we've been going is too taxing and wearing for all of us.  We haven't really been ourselves for quite a while.........a little over a year now.  But I know we will get there, with the help of God, family, and good friends.  I count many of you as dear friends, too.

Just What IS This Thing We Do, Exactly?

I feel I should preface this post by saying that I don't know if, by the time I'm done writing it, it will turn out to be something that makes sense and is thought provoking or just a bunch of thoughts and questions swirling around in my head that I'm processing.  Maybe I'm rambling in order to help myself figure some things out.  In any event, if it ends up being the latter, I apologize.  Feel free to pass this one by.

Being three years into this, I really do understand that TTWD is different for each couple.  In many, if not most, cases it is linked with domestic discipline.  It does not have to be, however, as I've come to understand.  Some couples do it without the discipline/punishment aspect, and it works just fine for them.  Others incorporate it into a master/slave dynamic.  Some may simply use it for stress relief and/or erotic play.  To each his own, and whatever floats your boat, as they say.  It's all good, as long as it's something that both parties are in agreement with and consent to.

While I'm aware that boot camp for domestic discipline exists to help those couples who want more information and guidelines to follow in order to help them grow in this dynamic, I also know that it's not necessarily for everyone, and that, of course, is fine.  That's the beauty of TTWD, I guess, we get to customize and tailor it to meet and fulfill our own needs and desires.

 For myself, I sometimes get confused about whether my thoughts and expectations are fair and reasonable.  We all know that we should not play the comparison game, yet I'm sure if we were to be honest about it, we'd admit that we do, at least on occasion.  I have.  Do any of these thoughts ring a bell?  Mind you, I said 'thoughts'.  These are not things I say to my husband.  At least I know enough not to do that!

So and So's husband is so consistent and dominant.  He always knows what to do.  If my husband were like that, I would be so soft and submissive.  I'm sure I would absolutely melt.

I'm not sure if we're doing this right.  My husband asserted his dominance, and instead of feeling all soft and submissive inside, I'm MAD!  I thought I was supposed to melt.  I just want to argue my point, and right now, it doesn't seem any amount of spanking will change my mind, even if it does manage to shut my mouth.  I thought this was supposed to work in creating harmony.  What is wrong with me?  Or is the problem with him, or somewhere in between?

He seems to be showing me grace here.  What does this mean?  Is he shirking his responsibility, or, as I've read on other bloggers' blogs, is he making a conscious choice to give me what he believes I really need at this moment, the loving, tender side of his strength?

Thursday night was maintenance.  We're doing it twice weekly, as we've both seen the need.  Kane hadn't used the hand made 'black hand' paddle in a long while, and I asked him to include it.  (That thing hurts like a son of a gun, but I somehow had a hankering for a little bit of it....go figure).

We came downstairs and I quickly realized there was something that needed doing upstairs (just something I needed to get and bring downstairs).  Kane said to go ahead and get it.  Here's where it  I got weird.  I didn't feel like going upstairs.  I hoped he would.  I whined a little about it.  I asked him if he could get it.  He told me to get it.  I whined some more.  He may have said something about the maintenance turning into a discipline spanking if I didn't get it.  Instead of feeling all tingly inside at this demonstration of dominance, I was feeling bothered.  I was also feeling conflicted, because part of me knew I wasn't right to be acting this way, and if he had decided to go get it himself, I would have been upset with him (and myself).  So what did I do?  I headed upstairs, still voicing my objection to having to do it.  I wasn't feeling in a submissive mindset, can you tell?

When I came downstairs, Kane was annoyed by what I had done and told me the spanking was fast turning into a punishment, and, at the very least, had earned me more swats, in both frequency and intensity.  Knowing he had the black hand paddle, I became upset at the thought.  I stood there trying to explain what, even to me, sounded not quite right, at least in terms of what I knew my role to be in this dynamic.  I said that now I was afraid of that paddle if he was going to apply some stronger force.  He told me I should have thought of that when I decided to whine and complain about what he told me to do.  I argued that I did do what he told me to do.  He focused on my demeanor and attitude.

What seemed confusing to me at the time was that Kane was not forcing me over his lap.  Now, I understand, from reading many blogs, that a lot of HOH's do not do that, because it is the understanding and consent of both parties that the wife will submit herself to a spanking she feels she either doesn't want or deserve because that is her role.  Some couples do it differently, and I've read where sometimes the HOH will pull his wife over his lap in the moment and swat away.

Kane and I have done it both ways.  There have been times when I've said or done something so egregious to him that there was no way I was going to get out of a spanking....not even delay it.  So right then and there, in a flash, I've been over his knee, receiving my punishment.  Sometimes I've asked him to wait for at least 15 minutes, if he was really angry.  He has done this.

Anyway, back to Thursday night.  Kane was allowing me to continue talking about it, although he did express how angry it was making him.  I eventually lay myself over his lap, and he started.  I asked if he would start with his hand, and he did.  I guess because I hadn't experienced that paddle in a long time, 3 or 4 swats into it, and I couldn't tolerate the pain.  He didn't stop (something he and I had had many discussions about......you know, where he needs to continue past my comfort zone and end when he feels he should end).  I took myself off his lap, saying I couldn't take that thing anymore.  He didn't force me back over his lap.  He told me that he was using only 25% of full force.  I said that it was like he was asking me to put my finger in a flame.  How could I willingly put myself into an intolerable situation?  I argued that he didn't know what it felt like.  He then applied it to his leg - 4 or 5 times with what he said was the same amount of force he was using on my bottom.  I wondered why I had been able to take more of that paddle months ago, even enjoying the after effects of a sore bottom and some 'nice' marks.  I wondered why he was allowing me to keep talking instead of forcing me over his lap.  I was confused.  I was upset with myself.  He rightly pointed out that my behavior was juvenile (earlier when whining about having to go upstairs) and immature.  I asked if that meant that he thought I always had to do what he asked/told me to with a willing heart.  He said he knew and understood there would be times when I wouldn't want to do certain things, but that I am not allowed to complain about doing them.  He said that is disrespectful.  I really couldn't argue with that, nor with what he said about my immature behavior.  He was right.

What had gotten into me?

I finally submitted to the rest of the spanking, and he really didn't go too hard on me.  I was relieved and a bit disappointed at the same time.  The hour was late, and Kane told me he wanted me to go to sleep.  He said that he was going to stay up a while to wind down.  I asked him if he was mad at me, and he calmly said that he was.  I understood.

The next morning, I genuinely apologized for my behavior.  I told Kane I felt I deserved a harder discipline.....the one that he had intended to administer before I went all whackadoodle on him.  He told me he would take care of it that night, and he did.  It was ok.  I deserved it.  Probably more.

Earlier in the day we went out to lunch and a movie, in celebration of our anniversary the day before.  Yep.  The day before was our anniversary.  I am so not proud of myself.

What was I thinking?

Here's what I'm coming to realize.  I have no right to make unreasonable expectations of how I think my husband should act in every situation.  He is human, just like me.  I make a ton of mistakes, yet somehow, I unfairly hold him to some higher standard.  He must always deal with me in such-and-such a manner.  Geesh, even I know that my responses aren't even consistent when he is being consistent in exhibiting his dominance.

I'm seeing that I'm even wearing myself out at times.  Even I don't want to hear myself!  Hmmm....sounds like I, perhaps still have some unresolved issues of control.

God, how does this man do it?  Why do I do this sometimes?

I can't even blame it on PMS or hormones.  I'm post menopausal.  Yes, folks, I am 55 years old and still trying to figure myself out.

Well, that's it.  That's the end of my rambling.  For now.  I've plum tuckered myself out.

Have a great day, y'all.  Sorry for the rant.

The Weekend is Here........

Here's hoping for a lovely weekend for us all  :)

Standstill

So what do you do when you find yourself and your partner, too, at yet another standstill, Dd speaking?  The consistency has fallen way back, and though my intention is not to "point a finger" at my beloved hubby.........um, the fact of the matter is, he has let the ball drop yet again.

It's like the many conversations we've had about it never happened.  I was promised a special evening last night. Kane told me on Friday that we would have a night that consisted of dancing (in our home, the way we did when we were first going out), spanking (we had not done maintenance/r/a for over a week after agreeing that I needed it 2x a week, especially to help me through this tough present situation with our daughter), and, from what I surmised, good lovin'........

I looked forward to it all day yesterday, as I went about various errands.  I was on the computer (with permission, of course), he gave the kids their medications, sent them to bed, came downstairs for a bit and shared some thoughts/emotions he was having about all that is going on right now with the kiddos, said some wonderful things to me about how much he loves me and how special I am to him.  Then he said he was going upstairs....no mention of our special night.  I said, "Don't fall asleep!", to which he said he wouldn't.  I then said, "Ok, so.....you'll come back for me when you want me?"  He said he would.

After about 45 minutes, he came downstairs and told me to come up.  He was laying in the bed, reading.  I got changed and got into bed beside him.  He started massaging my back and neck, which have been really sore lately.  I then asked him if he would brush my hair, which he did.  I just love that and find it so comforting.

He told me again how much he loves me.  We lay there. And lay there.  And lay there.  Soon he started snoring.  I kept telling him he was snoring.  He would stop briefly and it would start again.

I eventually got up to go in the living room.  He stirred and asked me where I was going.  I said I wasn't tired and was going to watch TV.  He tried telling me he had just been resting.  This same thing happened a few weeks ago and caused quite the upset.  We worked it through, I told him what I need, why it upset me, etc.  He said he understood and would work on it.

Last night I told him I did not want to argue, but that I was really disappointed.  I asked him why he didn't come and get me sooner than he did.  He said he didn't know.

I went to watch TV, trying to calm down inside.  I was not angry, just hurt and disappointed.  I couldn't believe it was happening again.

He came out a while later and sincerely apologized.  I said I needed to think about everything, because everything we had talked about the last time in terms of what we both need from TTWD didn't amount to anything.  I told him I couldn't keep getting my hopes up....that I was trusting him with my emotions/vulnerability about what it is I need from him, and when he does this, it's just too much of a letdown.

He then told me when he wanted me to come back to bed.  I told him I was upset and needed to divert myself, that I had told myself to calm down inside and I was trying to do that.  He then said I had to turn the TV off in 45 minutes, although I could stay in the living room if I wanted.  

I explained myself as best I could, and told him why I wasn't going to do as he said.  I wasn't rebellious or snarky, or even sassy.  I was just so let down.

He went to bed.  I stayed on the couch all night.

I made him his coffee this morning.  He's upstairs reading, I'm on the computer.  

I did not ask his permission.  I'm not even sure he knows.

Laughter, The Best Medicine

According to the calendar, spring has sprung.  9 days ago.  Sure hasn't felt like it, but I've decided to act as if it were truly here, hence my springy blog facelift.

After months of feeling like this.............

and this............

I decided I want (and need) more of this.........

That's where you come in!  Will you share a story of either your funniest or most embarrassing moment (whichever you're more comfortable with and think will get the most laughs).  What's more, would you post it on your blog?  Entitle it "Laughter".  I'll do the same.  We could shoot for April 1st, being April Fools.....although it doesn't leave much time to get the word out and around -- should it simply be for the entire month of April, like the March Questions?  That way people will have more time.  I'd love to know your thoughts.

Will you help me pass this on and invite others to join in?  Maybe we could make it an annual thing like LOL Day, Or March Questions....

All I know is, I could REALLY use some good belly laughs.

Great Questions, You Guys!

These questions were really thought provoking!  Thanks for playing along.  I better get on the horn and put some of my questions out there.  There are only 11 days left till the end of the month!


Willie, from Barney Married Wilma:

Okay, my question is for Kane:  What was/is your biggest challenge that you *didn't* anticipate at the start of your Dd adventure?  

Sadie...hmmm?  If there was one thing you wished you could go back and tell yourself at the beginning of this adventure, what would it be?  

Kane:  The understanding that, even when things are going well, you should not relax your standards.

Sadie:    Hmmm.....I guess it would be to try not to get too uptight and worked up over so many things......to settle down some.......but then again, I don't know that I would have listened...lol.

Cat, from Giggles, Grins, and Reflections:  

If you could have a weekend house party with 5 people (living or dead), who would they be, and why?

That's easy........they'd all be blogger friends.  The "why" is fairly obvious ;)

Cali Mom, from His Rib, Her Rock:

What would your dream vacation be?

A trip to London, Italy, and Ireland.

What is your favorite season?

Summer and Fall

What would your dream home look like?

It may sound corny, but it's the home I'm living in right now.  Kane and I had an addition and renovation done a few years ago.  This was his home for many years before I came into the picture, and now it's ours.  I love it as much as he does  :)

If you were an animal, what would you be?  And what would your husband be?

Hmm.....I asked Kane, and he responded immediately with "a lion". Interesting...lol.  I guess for myself I'd have to say a dog.

Are you enjoying or benefiting from blogging this time around?

A resounding 'Yes' to both!

George, from George's Hangar:

OK, let's start with who would play you and Kane in a movie about your life?

This one's too hard, George.  I really don't know!  Any suggestions?


If you could transport to another time to live in, when would it be?

Maybe the late 1800's - early 1900's -- only temporarily, of course, because life was much harder in those days, and I don't think I'm cut out for it for the long term.  Does that make me a wimp?

If an alien spacecraft landed in your yard and said they wanted to talk to the smartest person on the planet and asked you who that was, what would you tell them?  (Can't say wait a minute and I will get my husband because he is the smartest!) LOL

The smartest person on the planet?  I honestly don't know who that would be!