The Continuum of Life

Ebb, flow, up, down, in, out, back, forth.......... and so it goes.

I haven't been able to come up with anything I feel is note/newsworthy enough to write about, so I've just kind of let it go.  On hold, if you will.

Yet, I remind myself (and recall the several reminders I've received in the past from readers) that concerning myself with how well received and/or "effective" a post will be is not the focus or the point.  Write for myself. Yeah, that's it, write for myself.  Why can't I seem to remember that?  Lol

As I review the events of my life over the past 6 months, I am happy to say that my household is a much calmer and peaceful place than it had been.  Some things have settled.  Read here if you'd like some background information.  The children I talk about are adopted and have suffered abuse and neglect in their early childhoods while at their birth mother's home.

Of my three youngest children, the eldest remains in the placement that is best for her.  I have felt validated of late as some of the service providers have come to a better and clearer understanding of what Kane and I had tried for so long to tell them.  I believe we are no longer viewed as The Terrible Parents.  My child will remain where she is until she graduates in two years, at which time she will transition into Independent Living.  Many services will be put into place to help her, and she needs so much help.  Her ongoing incontinence at night (she is 16) is suggestive of past sexual abuse, or, at the very least, exposure to sexual behaviors between others.  I say 'suggestive', because nothing has ever been disclosed.  What is known is that she suffers from ptsd, bipolar disorder, anxiety, reactive attachment disorder, and paranoia.

The second youngest is back home with us full time (since the beginning of last month).  So far she's handling herself much better than she used to, but there are hints and foreshadowings of some not-so-good things to come.  She stole money from my purse last week for the first time.  She's become way too comfortable with lying -- to us and her teachers.  Her behavior still scares her younger sister at times.  She suffers from ptsd, reactive attachment disorder, and emotional conduct disorder.  One therapist believes she may be sociopathic.

Speaking of the youngest, she is doing well.  With her intellectual disability, it is not likely she will ever mature past the age of 10 - 15.  She is 12 now, yet emotionally, she ranges anywhere from 4 - 8.  Fortunately, she will always have services in place.  She is also on the autism spectrum.

All three children require constant supervision and management, both at home and in school.  I worry about their future and pray.

I am no longer taking an anti-depressant.........well, that's mostly true.  I'm not taking the one I'd been on for a year and a half, but am still taking another (Welbutrin) that the doctor added a few months back.  I'd wean myself off of that one, too, but it's reported to help with weight loss ;)  I started a weight loss plan last month and have lost 5 pounds.  5 down, 40 to go.  Lol  I'm considering going back to school for a business degree and plan to assist Kane with his business.  The thought of it has me both excited and nervous.

I colored my hair a different color and began using my middle name (something I've wanted to do for years).

TTWD has taken a back seat -- nothing we discussed, just let happen.  I kind of don't mind that right now.  It's a bit odd that we haven't talked about it.  I've said a couple of things -- "We aren't really doing that anymore", to which he has not responded.  We're getting along well, although he's said I've been more irritable and bitchy at times (workin' on it).

Do I want the dynamic back in our relationship?  Right now I'm not so sure.  I think about it and wonder if I miss it.  Was it really for us, or did we just try very hard to make it feel natural?  I think about bringing up the topic with Kane from time to time, but then I don't.  I'm not mad or upset with him over it, yet I don't get how he's not even mentioning anything about it.

We may return to it, we may not, I don't know, but life goes on.  I feel ok now.  Kane and I feel ok -- better than we have our whole married life (5 years).  We are hopeful again.  We talk about our future a lot and what we want to do.  Our dream is to move south in the not-too-distant future.

So, that's it.  If it turns out we don't do any spanky or dd stuff for a while (or longer), is it ok to stay here in blogland and check in from time to time?  I really don't want to give it up entirely.

So, to sum it up, I'm at peace with what is.  Well, maybe it's better said that I'm at peace no matter what is. The Serenity Prayer, which I've known forever, has taken on a deeper and richer meaning for me and become my mantra.

Real Neat Blog Award

Thank you, Clara, for your kind nomination.  I really don't feel worthy of it, having been away for so long, but I'll go ahead and answer your questions for the fun of it!

The rules, that come along with these things are as follows:

1. Put the award logo on your post.

2. Answer the 7 questions asked by the person who nominated you.

3. Nominate any number of bloggers you like, linking to their blogs.
4. Let them know you nominated them.

1. If you could travel anywhere, money and time off work not an issue, where would you visit?

    I would travel all over the US in an RV with Kane.

2. Do you play a musical instrument?

    Not anymore, but I played the clarinet from 4th - 6th grades.  Does that count?
   
3. If you get yourself into trouble and you're trying to butter up your HoH, what meal do make for him?
    I haven't tried that method of buttering up yet, but it sounds like a good idea!  I'd make seafood for
    Kane; he loves tilapia and salmon.

4. What was the last book you read?
     'Valiant, A Modern Tale of Faeries'
   
5. What is your favorite season and why?  

    I'd have to say it's a toss up between spring and summer.   
6. What is your favorite color> 

    Royal blue

7. (borrowed from Christina, I like this question) Do you have a current goal you are working towards? What is it? If not, where would you like to see yourself 5 years from now in April 2020?  

    With my two youngest children not yet in high school, and this being my 35th year of parenting, I am very
    much looking forward to the next chapter of my life as an empty nester.

OK, my turn to nominate.  I nominate J Girl (Taming of the Shrew) and Minelle (My Breath).

Here are my questions:

1.  How would you describe your personality?

2.  What do you like to do for fun (besides the obvious...lol)?

3.  What was your most embarrassing moment?

4.  When was the last time you laughed so hard your sides ached, and why?

5.  What is your favorite food?

6.  Do you like to sing karaoke?

7.  What would you like to do that you haven't done yet?

To Sir, With Love

Asking Kane for permission is something he incorporated into our rules well over a year  ago (maybe two?).  It is something that is not easy for me to do, even though I agree with the concept.  When we first started putting it into practice, I found several different ways in which I could do it without having to say "May I?"  I have always said 'please' to everyone when asking for something, as my mama taught me well.  If, on occasion, as sometimes happened, I forgot to say it to Kane when asking for his help with something or asking him to do something for me, he has always reminded me to say 'please', as it's important to him.  I should add that Kane holds himself to that same standard.

Taking the creative approach, I chose my words carefully:

I thought I might go and do such and such if that's ok with you?

Are you ok with me going/doing such and such?

When I was mad at him, I worded it this way:

If you have no objections, I'd like (or I plan) to..........

If Kane noticed those nuances, he didn't say so.

Several months ago we were discussing the topic of asking for permission, and he told me he wanted me to begin all of my requests for permission with "May I please.................Sir?  I was okay with it, as it certainly made sense in this lifestyle.  Besides, I needed to stretch myself beyond my comfort zone, and he was glad to catapult help me.

And so it was that was the new way for me to ask Kane's permission for something.  It wasn't easy for me.  I found having to say "May I" made me feel silly or foolish (and maybe a little inferior).  Having to say 'Sir' -- well, that just didn't sound natural.  It's like when we first started out four years ago when I could barely get the word 'spanking' out of my mouth when talking -- it even seemed involuntary at times, the hesitation, I mean.   It felt to me like I was just playing a game, even though I was very serious about the whole thing.

I've told Kane how difficult it is for me to own this, to make it a natural part of me.  It still does not flow from my mouth naturally.  On a few occasions when I started talking about something I wanted to do and forgot to ask the right way, Kane was quick to remind me in a gentle and firm way.  It still happens from time to time.  Last night we talked about it again, and I asked him if he would tell me how it makes him feel when I say "May I please.........Sir?"  I asked him this because I was hoping it would help make it easier and more natural if I knew how and why it was important to him.

He told me that it's a connection.  Asking in that manner is submissive, and when I do that, his desire to lead and protect me is even greater.  He asked me if I understood.  I did.  I do.

I asked Kane if requiring me to say "Sir" was of personal significance to him or if he thought of it simply as an exercise in submission for me.  I asked him if he ever feels unnatural requiring it of me or being addressed that way.  He told me it was important to him and seriously likes it when I say it.

His explanation really did help me gain a deeper understanding.   I'm  hoping that not only will I get to the place where asking that way feels natural and good, but also that I won't find myself slipping backwards so much.  That is my challenge and my goal.

Today I looked him in the eye as naturally and softly as I could when I asked his permission to wear pants.  I felt a new sense of earnestness within.

I'd say that's a good start.

I've taken some liberty with some of the words to this song to reflect my love for and gratitude to my wonderful husband, my Sir.

FYI - This video continues with other songs after this one ends.  So just click 'pause' to end.  I couldn't figure out how to limit it to just this song.

Those yester years of talking back
And saying no are gone
And in their place I look
For ways to show you my gratitude

But how do you thank someone
Who has helped you find your true identity?
It isn't easy, but I'll try

If you wanted the sky
I would write across the sky in letters
That would soar a thousand feet high
To Sir, With Love

And here we are
Facing life together hand in hand
And in my heart I know
That I have married my best friend

The man who taught me right from wrong

And weak from strong
That's a lot to learn
What can I give you in return?

If you wanted the moon
I would try to make a star
But I would rather you let
me give my heart
to Sir With Love

Round And Round We Go.....

.....where we stop, nobody knows we know all too well.

Why do I keep going round and round with this?

I'm thinking if I just start typing, it might prove helpful in sorting it out.

If I break it down step by step, in accordance with what Kane and I have agreed upon in TTWD, my logic tells me he was right and I wrong.  But logic didn't win last Friday night.  I can't say I was thinking with my heart, because that's not where the problem was, either. 

I guess it all should have gone pretty simply.  I had done something he told me not to do.  Not intentionally, but it happened nonetheless.  Kane doesn't mind if I watch TV at night (I do have to ask permission to watch on Netflix), but he does not want me falling asleep with the TV and/or light on.  Herein lies the problem.  When I'm relaxing all comfy cozy in the recliner with a blanket, sometimes sleep claims me, despite my efforts to the contrary.  Kane says if I feel myself getting that tired, I need to turn off the TV and light.  Sometimes he's watching something else either downstairs or on the ipad in our bedroom.  He'll often fall asleep before I do.  So what happens is I drift off, the TV and light are still on, and it could be 1:00 - 2:00 in the morning before he wakes up and comes out to the living room to check.

The first time it happened this week was Monday or Tuesday.  He decided to let me off with a warning because I hadn't done it in a long time.  He said if it happened again there would be a punishment.  Well it happened Thursday night again.  He came out, turned off the TV and light, and told me there would be a punishment the next night.  Actually, I woke up as he was coming through the kitchen into the living room.

"Honey, I'm awake.  I'm going to turn the TV off right now."

Seeing the screen dimmed due to the show having ended and my not choosing another (Netflix) told him I'd fallen asleep with it on.  I knew better than to protest, so I got up and went to bed.

I thought about it several times throughout the next day.  Mixed feelings.  One part of me was glad that he would be consistent with what he said would happen.  The other part bothered me because I wasn't totally buying into the idea that what I'd done -- falling asleep against my will and better judgment -- should be a punishable offense.

So when the time came last night I was struggling emotionally with it.  I didn't turn over when he told me to.  I wanted to talk about it and why it was I felt it was not a fair and just rule.  He was annoyed because we'd had this conversation on more than one occasion already.  I lay there looking at him as he held the wooden paddle in his hand, waiting for me to turn over.  I was hesitating.  Then he told me either I turn over now and get 8 whacks or it would be 80.  I begrudgingly turned over.

It didn't make me feel like he was right and I was wrong.  I was still upset.  His annoyance turned to anger and he raised his voice.  Said he couldn't believe we were having the same conversation again.  He was upset that he had gotten no submission out of me.  I pointed out that I turned over for him.  He quickly pointed out that it was not until I was threatened with 80 swats.  I told him if I didn't think it was a fair rule, I didn't feel right apologizing for falling asleep.  At one point I told him I thought the idea of receiving a punishment for leaving a light on (if the TV was off) due to the fact that I had fallen asleep was absurd.  That earned me another spanking.

He was very mad and frustrated.  He said that if I don't agree with something, I can respectfully state it, but that I need to own up to the transgression and apologize for not obeying him.  And that even though I eventually turned over and took the spanking, he did not feel any submission from me.  I guess he was right.

I asked him about imposing a bed time rule.  I felt that would help and would be a rule that was fair and made more sense to me.  That would make it more likely that I wouldn't fall asleep in the living room with the TV on.  He said OK and told me my new bedtime is 10:00. 

He turned off the light and I knew he was still upset.  I was, too.  I asked him if I could put my head on his chest, and he turned toward me.  As we lay there, I asked him something (I can't remember what just now), and he told me he was really tired and couldn't do more talking.  I said I was still trying to figure out who I am and if this (submission and obedience) is really me.

We fell asleep.

I don't know why this struggle keeps resurfacing.  Sometimes I feel so in tune with this dynamic.  I've told Kane many times that I do not want to go back to the way things were without it.  I would miss it too much.  That's still true.

I often think about it when I'm alone driving.  To be honest, sometimes I miss the independence I found after my divorce from my first husband.  We'd been married for 27 years with much turbulence and turmoil.  He was not controlling, but he was verbally and emotionally abusive.

I was open to the idea of marriage again if the right person came along, but I was in no hurry.  I was learning how to manage on my own for the first time in my life and I liked it.  Dating was fun and I learned a lot about myself.

When I met Kane, I knew he was someone different from all the rest.  I fell in love with him almost right away and that scared me.  He fell in love with me just as quickly.  Of course, we didn't tell each other for quite a while (besides, I was not going to be the one who said it first!).

We talked of marriage, and that scared me too.  He had never been married before, but he was confident that we would build a wonderful life together.  I knew he was one in a million and that I did not want to lose him.  I wanted to marry him, too.  We did, one year and three months after we met.  I thought we could just blend our lives together and I could still be the me I was (although, a lot of that 'me' needed improvement).  I had no idea (nor did he, at the time) that we would head toward a traditional marriage where the husband is the leader and the wife submissive.  Oh, I had believed it should be that way even in my first marriage, as I'd been taught that in church and in the scriptures.  I'm the one that brought the subject of Dd to him during our first year.

Fast forward to today -- I asked Kane if we could talk about it again now that we were a few days out from it and would most likely handle the conversation better.  I felt I was in a better place to at least try to understand his perspective.

He told me that what he's trying to do is instill discipline (of the self-initiated kind) in me.  Admittedly, I'm not a very disciplined person.  He stood by his rule and said that it's his choice/decision to make and I could consider it an exercise in submission (something we'd discussed several times and for which I had asked).

I asked Kane what I should do when I don't agree with him even after a spanking, like in this case.  It seemed disingenuous to apologize for something that I didn't feel 'guilty' of. 

He said that even though I didn't agree with the (fairness of) rule, I still should have apologized for doing what he had told me not to do (disobedience), in this case, falling asleep with the TV and light on.  I tried telling him again that I can't help it if my body dozes off while I'm watching TV, but he said I should have a sense of how tired I am, and if I think it could happen, I should just turn off the TV (and light) and go to bed.

I asked him what he's looking for from/in me during those times of correction/punishment.  Doesn't he understand that I don't always want to turn over on a dime just because he says so? (I know, I know -- this even sounds ridiculous to me right now - I must sound like a hypocrite.)  Doesn't he understand that sometimes the whole thing strikes me as not right -- I'm a 56 year old woman, after all!  Does he appreciate how hard it is for me sometimes?  Does he expect me to turn over immediately when he tells me to in those moments?  Yes, he does.  He gets that it's a struggle for me, but that doesn't change the fact that by not doing so when he tells me to, it's a sign of disrespect.

Tonight I do have a better understanding and appreciation for my husband and all the responsibility he bears in TTWD.  I can make it so frustrating for him sometimes.  It's like I like it when it feels good, until it doesn't.  And it seems so fickle -- well, I guess I'm fickle.  I feel like I should have this better figured out by now.  We've been at this for 4 years now (give or take a few brief breaks here and there).  Sigh.

I have to admit that I'm glad he's sticking to his guns.  The respect factor rose when he told me that I don't have to like it, but I do have to obey.  And, truth be told, I felt a twinge in a special place ;)

TTWD can be nutty sometimes, or maybe it's just me that's nutty.

  

I still don't like the rule. 

Easter

Peach Fuzz

I read a post last week that I can't stop thinking about.  I mean, I'm really fascinated.  My good friend, Clara, of Clara's Wish, wrote it.  Click here if you'd like to read it.  I'm proud of her for putting her embarrassment aside and mustering up the courage to ask if anyone else had experienced what she did.  From reading the comments left by other bloggers, it's clear several of them know exactly what she's talking about.  I, however, was totally out of the loop.  Honestly, I was stymied.  What am I talking about?  The topic is peach fuzz - and not on your peaches.  This is something that has mysteriously appeared on the bottoms of several well-spanked ladies among us.  I have to admit, I began to wonder if Kane and I haven't been doing it right!  I don't have peach fuzz on my butt.  I felt left out.  Just to be sure, I asked Kane to check out my derriere.  Nope.  Nada.  Zilch.

Now Clara and I have gotten to know each other very well, and as I said, she's a good friend :)  We've had many a chat, but not once did she mention this to me!  I teased her about it the last time we spoke.  She couldn't believe I don't have any.  Sigh.  Oh, she was very gracious about the whole thing, that's how she is, she'd never make me feel bad about something like that, or anything else, for that matter.  Well, not intentionally lol.  How could she possibly know that her post would give me food for thought that would leave me with peach fuzz envy?  How could she possibly know that I can be this weird and strange sometimes?  (I've tried hard to hide it.)

Just exactly what is this thing we do?  It's so multi-faceted!

So I have to ask -- what am I missing???  What do you think brought on the peach fuzz?  Certain implements?  Numerous spankings?  Hard ones?

Hmmm.........should I just leave well enough alone?

  

Poor Old Michael Finnegan

Poor old Michael Finnegan

He had whiskers on his chin again

Along came the wind and blew them in again

Poor old Michael Finnegan

Begin Again

Poor old Michael Finnegan.............(and so on and so on) There really is no end.  You just stop singing when you get sick of it...lol


Well, this is what came flooding back into my memory when I thought about beginning to blog again.  It's actually a song.

Anyone heard of it?  It's an oldie, as am I ;)

I suppose if poor old Michael Finnegan could begin again, so can I.

Diana

Sitting here tonight thinking how interesting life is sometimes.  I've got bittersweet sentiments about something that took place earlier this evening -- Sorrow and Joy.

Tonight was the annual Christmas party hosted by my son's group home.  It is held at a local church, where food and goodies are provided along with genuine, down-to-earth goodheartedness, Santa Claus handing out presents, and Christmas carols sung by young and old alike.  Don't tell anyone, but the guitarist is also Santa (affiliated with the home), who changed back into his regular attire.  I don't know if and/or how many of the "kids" (My boy is 20) have caught onto this.  I'd like to believe they never will.

Year after year the wonderful folks from Adam's group home put on this festive event, their dedication, commitment, and love are evident to all.  Families come together to a warm and friendly place where  the children can are free to be themselves, their parents so happy about that fact and the knowledge that neither they nor their child are alone.

Adam's aide at school came tonight.  I'll call her Diana.  She was at our table.  I'd not met her before.  She was a lovely woman, and Kane and I very much enjoyed talking with her.  She was very sweet to my youngest child, who is on the autism spectrum and has an intellectual disability.  They talked music, school, likes and dislikes.  At one point, when she noticed Alison having a tough time trying to cut her meat, she offered to cut it for her, which Alison greatly appreciated.

After dinner I got up to walk around and mingle a bit.  Diana and Kane were chatting at the table.  Kane told me when we got home that Diana's husband passed away about a year ago.  She told Kane that working with Adam has been the only thing that has gotten her through many of her days.  Her face lit up as she talked about the progress she's seen him make and her hopes for his future.  She said she felt they had a good connection.  That was clearly evident.

All the holidays of 2014 are the first that she's spent without her husband.  When Kane expressed his sympathy, she told him, "He's cancer-free now."

Sorrow and joy.  Sorrow for this wonderful woman who is grieving the loss of her husband of 26 years.  Joy because my son, unbeknownst to him, provided her with purpose and a reason to be happy about the day ahead.  Joy, also, because of how Diana has touched my son's life.

When the night was over, we all hugged good-bye and wished each other a Merry Christmas.

I wish I could describe just how deeply this has touched my heart, but I'm at a loss for those words, but I offer up a small prayer:

Thank you, God, for this wonderful woman in my son's life.  Please bless her with Your comfort and peace during this very difficult time of grieving, especially as Christmas draws near.  Amen.

Happy Thanksgiving

By now the turkey has been put away, the kitchen cleaned up, and many are probably in bed.  I thought of you all today and how I wanted to wish everyone a Happy Thanksgiving before the day got underway.  Ah well, the best laid plans..........

I do hope your Thanksgiving was wonderful and blessed, spent with those you love and care about.  I've been gone a while, but you were never far from my mind or heart.

Trying to figure out how to do this thing again....the blogging that is.  For a while it seemed so difficult to come up with posts that, at the very least, would make sense to those reading.

I didn't intend to be away so long....kept thinking, "I've got to get back to it."  I've been trying to catch up with some reading when I can.

My good friend, Clara, encouraged me to write something.  To come back now.  Sometimes I've told her I just don't know what to write about, especially when I've been feeling overwhelmed, tired, and at times, apathetic.  She told me to write about it.

I'm thinking about it.

Sometimes I allow myself to get caught up in the ole tug of war --

Just write for yourself.  This is a place where you can let things out and process them.

Don't worry so much about whether it makes sense to others or whether you're writing in a way that will keep them interested.  Don't get caught up in all of that.

And yet I do.  Tug, tug, tug.

When life gets ho hum on the DD front, I think, "Well this is great, what am I going to say now?"  Especially when I'm upset with Kane.  I don't want to portray him in a bad light.

They say not to concentrate on or worry about getting comments.  This is your blog; you can write about whatever you want in any way you want.  I'd like to think I can do that, yet I have gotten caught up in wondering if what I'm writing isn't interesting enough if I don't get many comments.  Sometimes I've thought that the few regular commenters I've had were just being kind.

This is dumb, I know.  And the last thing I want is for anyone to think I'm fishing for comments.  NO PITY COMMENTS!  LOL  I'm really not feeling sorry for myself here, just being honest.  Maybe some of you have felt the same way at times?

Anyway, I think I'm going to try again to write as best I can from my heart and not worry about whether I'll "reach anyone" with what I have to say.  That's really not the point.  If it happens, and especially if it ends up helping someone, that is a bonus and a blessing.

This Thanksgiving I am grateful for so much.  This past year has been the most difficult of my life, but I have seen the glimmer of that light at the end of the tunnel, and am keeping my eye on it.

It feels good to be here again  :)

Spank Ready

The other day Kane announced that we needed a 'session' that night -- that he needed it.  Hmm....  I was interested ;)  We were overdue.  I even arranged myself over my special bed cushion, aka the 'husband pillow' -- you know, one of those cushions with arms that you place at the head of the bed for reading.  Kane started with his hand and delivered a good many swats (he's increased the amount lately).  I was handling them well.....maybe too well, and I asked for the leather paddle.  It's always a delicate balance, is it not -- deciding whether to ask for more/harder spanks.  Guess I'm learning to ask for what I need -- without getting too crazy.  Lol

Kane delivered, and I was again surprised at how well I was tolerating it.  He did bring out the Black Hand, which, any more than 10 swats, I am so wanting outta there.  I didn't get more than 10 -- tolerated that ok, considered for a minute second whether I should ask for more -- then thought better of it, chicken that I am.

As he spanked, he told me that he wants me to stop complaining when we go on walks together.  Um, well, I've been known to grumble let him know (more than once) when I'm sweating (well, geez, it was so HOT outside!).  I guess I've also made it known in a not-so-pleasant way that my legs hurt sometimes  (well, they do!).  The last time we went for a walk, he decided, toward the end of it, to go in a slightly different direction home -- a direction that would take us an additional 10 minutes or so, so I said something to that effect.  I guess it really bothers him when I do all this.  Kinda takes the joy of walking out of it for him.  I guess I can see that.

Anyway, he told me that there will be an 'adjustment' spanking -- to adjust me to being ready to walk without complaining.  He first said he'd deliver one after the walk if I complained.  I suggested that it might be a good idea to give it to me beforehand, so I'd remember.

I'll keep you posted as to how that works out.  I'm pretty sure we'll be taking a couple of walks next week.

Laying Down My Crown

Although I have thoroughly enjoyed having a beautiful majestic gold crown sparkling atop my head "S" (thank you, Willie ; ), I must admit I'm most comfortable without one.  It was simply too much pressure to be PERFECT,  ya know?

So, alas, my secret's out -- I'm not really a princess -- shhhh -- only in my mind...lol.

It was always slipping off my head, anyways, especially when OTK.

A Little Bondage, Anyone?

I dunno......you know the saying, "Never say never"....... there was a time not too long ago when I wouldn't have even entertained the thought of having my bottom spanked by my hubby.  Now I've taken to admiring my reddened arse in the mirror.

At the very least, it would take my mind off of the pressing matters at hand  :P

Thoughts?

Saggy Boobs

Can Pain Be My Friend?

I was talking with a blogger friend last night about the effectiveness of a really sore bottom after a good, hard spanking.  We both don't like what it takes to get there, yet we like feeling the soreness a day or two (or even three) afterward.  She had had an especially hard maintenance and was feeling it the next day, which she liked.  I thought back wistfully to those times (I can count them on one hand) that my bottom was so sore, just getting in the car was very painful, yet............you guessed it............I loved it.  And that made me think I was very strange.

I haven't had that kind of spanking in a LONG time.....those kinds for me have always been punishments.  Kane has learned how to spank me gradually during maintenance, which has lessened bruising significantly.  My friend and I talked about that, too, and how we even like having bruises on our butts.  I remember some really pretty shades of purple.  They always bothered Kane, though.  He hated to see them.  It bothered him to know he'd caused them, even though I told him I was fine with them.  Heck, I would pull a hand mirror out of my bathroom closet several times a day to admire his handiwork.

At the very least, my friend and I agreed that it was the ever-present reminder that kept us feeling in that soft, submissive place.

I know I could ask Kane for an extra dose of heavy-handedness, but that would most likely mean that he would use the wooden paddle he made, which he 'affectionately' refers to as 'The Black Hand'.  I can't tolerate too many of those.  I guess I could ask him to use his hand at full-force strength.  Gulp.  

Alas, I am a big weanie when it comes to pain.  Oh, the connundrum.....sigh........

Back From the Beyond

I wanted to entitle this "Back From the Great Beyond", and then wondered if the "Great Beyond" meant the afterlife, in which case, if it did, I certainly haven't been there.  I've been more in a place called Limbo.  Kane and I are fine; we still have a lot to be grateful for.  It's just that, well, we've had so much to deal with and so many tough decisions to consider.  I can't believe I've been away for as long as I have.  It was not my intention.  I kept thinking I'd be back, so I didn't want to write a "Taking a Break" kind of post.  Every time I thought about it, though, I started feeling increasingly guilty for suddenly disappearing without a trace or explanation.

Not sure what else to say.  We're now on our 3rd attorney.  Things with the 2nd child are looking hopeful and good, and that makes us feel so good inside.  Things with the 1st child do not, and well.......

So what am I saying?  I kept thinking, "I don't have anything meaningful to write about Kane's and my dd life right now.  That aspect of our life is going pretty well.....we did boot camp last month, and it was a really good experience for both of us.  I'm just not sure what I have to offer to the community here right now, but I'm not ready to let you all go.  Maybe you won't mind if I leave a comment here or there on your blogs?  I do want to stay connected, if even in a small way.

If you've emailed me and I haven't responded, please accept my sincere apology.  I'm just now getting to the place where I can do that.

So will you forgive me for going off the radar of the Blogosphere without a word?  I've still been thinking of you all and have read your blogs when I can.

Life goes on, doesn't it?  And that's a good thing.  Kane will be having knee surgery next month.  And so it goes.  At least his knee won't hurt him anymore after he recovers.

I've got a lot of catching up to do.  I hope everything is going well for all of you.  Blondie, I read your blog the other night, and my thoughts and prayers are with you and Ty.

God bless you guys, and thanks for letting me express myself here.

It's Been A While!

Sometimes a little lighthearted silliness is all that's needed to lighten the mood and lift the spirits....lol.

Feelin' It

So the moral of the story is never lose sight of what's important and the things that really matter in life.................

Admittedly, I write this as I have been enjoying the benefits of a couple or few glasses of wine and listening to this song umpteen times.....

But I think it will still make good sense to me tomorrow.  Whaddya think?

Life is short.  Let's do our best to spend it wisely and remember to count our blessings  :)

In Honor of Our Courageous Veterans

The Lion's Den

This is what I believe to be a fair and accurate depiction of a meeting with the powers that be, aka the 'system', Kane and I attended regarding our daughter yesterday.  I tried to find a photo that included both a man and woman, but no luck.

We are doing our best to keep our eyes turned upward to our Higher Power, and we can feel the many prayers and good thoughts on our behalf and are grateful.

Coming Up for Air

Just want to say 'hello' and tell you that I miss y'all.  In the 

beginning of the homestretch, which will get worse before it gets

better.  But Kane and I are doing OK.  Thanks for your support 

and prayers.